patterns

I am stuck in a pattern of believing
That my worth is tied to the
number of guys texting me
To the number of guys asking for my snap
To the number of named I match with on tinder

I am trapped in a life
of endless heys and what's ups
circling a drain
of wyd and nothing much

I want to find a connection, a spark
I want to scream out into the void
and ask the universe why I am the way I am

Why I cry over nothing and then feel nothing
when something bad happens
Why reacting sad about something feels fake
Why I pretend to feel things when I feel nothing

I feel like an empty shell of a person,
floating around among crowds of people
pretending to be happy and full of life
when I'd rather lie down and never sit back up

I'm tied to the idea
that I need a guy to feel anything
that if I have someone that loves me,
then maybe it'll replace the lack of love I feel for myself