Happy?

Well, it all started in school. I used to have a best friend but only from my side. Her name is Yamini. She used to have another best friend. They're so close that I feel jealous and at the same time happy for her cause she was so happy every time. I share everything with her, but she didn't do that anytime. I used to feel so bad every time whenever I don't get the type of importance I expect. It was like that for over a year, then my schooling completed. I joined a college and she joined in another and I thought maybe now I can forget her. But it was very difficult for me, I'm not the kind of person that forgets so easily. Then due to some situations, I fought with her and it was her fault that made me start the fight. She used to text me every day saying 'sorry' but I used to feel like it's not complete apologizing.

After two long months, she apologized to me and we started talking normal, and later she started becoming close to me, she used to share more with me than her best friend, which led to the fights between them. Till now I had this regret feeling that because of me they used to have fights.

One day her best friend said some heartbreaking words and she stopped talking to him. I felt half happy and half sad, happy cause she will become close to me, sad cause I was the reason. For over a year we were so happy, then due to some things I had this doubt that she still checks up on her best friend. And that turned to be true and I was deeply hurt. Hurt because she hid that from me, not because she was checking.

Then later we had this huge fight and we were not on talking terms for a week, I was deeply affected by this fight and later I got to know that she was too. Then I tried apologizing and making everything normal but anything didn't work out. "A broken plate could not be restored like it was before". How much I try didn't even have any effect in sorting the fight, it continued for over a month. And later I lost my hopes in this friendship and we drifted apart.

Then in inter I met another girl named Radha, my first impression of her was she was short, funny. She was compatible with me and I thought she would become my close friend. But, then she got another friend and she became close to him. It was my bad luck that she thought of becoming close to me but I didn't let her. I lost my chance and I have regretted it so much. I had this attitude that once I fixate on a thing or a person I feel like I should get it. So, I tried my best to be good to her and to get close to her, but nothing was helpful. And later on, I started giving less priority to her too. She started drifting from her but stayed as a normal friend.

One day, when I was going through the previous chat with Yamini. I started missing her, then I called her and asked her to be like the way she used to be with me, like a friend and she said okay. I felt very happy after knowing that, but she was not the way she said she was going to be. I felt very disappointed by her behavior and got hurt so many times. Then I've got my conclusion that this is not going to work out. Again, I lost my hopes.

I was wandering here and there not having any points where I can stay calm. People are indeed co-dependent. In my case, I'm too co-dependent. I can stay happy by myself but I can fell more happiness by the presence of the person who can understand me.
Later, I've got into a college where I thought I might find a person with whom I can be myself and not get judged. I found a girl named Bhavya, she was also short, sweet, funny, cute and mostly she would understand me completely. I thought maybe she would become my life's constant friend. I thought I would never lose her, I did everything right by her. But even though, things have happened. Maybe God didn't want things to stay calm. I and Bhavya had a fight which was caused by another girl, named Jhansi. She didn't mean to start a fight between us on purpose but some of her actions set this fight on the motion.

I got so irritated because of these kinds of fights and this time I didn't think of staying calm, so I too raised the intensity. "And at last what happens to a plastic bottle when it is heated when closed? It burst out". That is what happened to her. She busted out with anger and it affected our friendship. At last, our friendship also got an end card.

But this time it was not my mistake, not even 1%. But some things happen for a reason which I got to know now. But at that time, I begged so much that I let down my self-respect, but it was of no use. We were fixed to no talking terms. It also had a major effect on my health. Overthinking got me stress and stress got me to a hospital.

The graph of my happiness plot went on decreasing and my hospital visits kept on increasing. Therefore, keeping my sadness graph plot in balance.

Sometimes, I feel like if I had a chance to make things right I would take that chance, but it is impossible to do that because I can't change time. Relations never worked out for me pretty well, so it's a waste of time talking about that. When friendships are this complicated, relationships are a war to me. So, I never thought of getting into one.

Another year has passed, but I'm still the same, not happy, not sad, just living. Hoping for a person who would change the way I feel.