ahem

I have never seen so disappointed in them. Sure, they do this every so often. They always drink but they'd usually be responsible enough. Unfortunately, they're BOTH drunk while I have an after school activity that I need to go to. So I can't even attend this. I only get to go to this class twice a week for a small amount of time. It was supposed to help with my sat test scores. I don't know what to do anymore. He always acts like he's the one that's right. He drank, she drank and neither of them are in the right. He thinks her mad. She might be a bit crazy but what do you expect? Does she do this on purpose? I'm honestly getting used to hearing her say that she's going to kill herself. She's said it so many times. Enough times to actually cause doubt in my mind. At first, I'd tear up and break down. Now, it doesn't really affect me. I know she's a mess and he's an asshole. My brother sides with my father though. So I automatically have to side with my mom. Never had a choice. I have to be there for her if my brother is going to be against her. I took the knife away from her and hit it in a drawer earlier. One of the things that scared me was what I was thinking. I was worried that she'd follow and take it back, yes, but there was something else on my mind. The knife was pointy and sharp. What if I were to leave it in my room so it became mine and maybe... what if I used it to cut instead of the other one? My mind created reasons for why it's better. The focus on my mind was cutting. Maybe I thought I could try it for this situation too. Maybe it will make me care less? No. I know that thinking is wrong. I just couldn't help it. After I put the knife away, I went upstairs. I went to her room and placed my hand on her back with a repetitive motion to hopefully make her feel slightly better. I just want her to know that she's not alone. She might've gotten mad over a dumb reason but my dad isn't totally not at fault. He entertained her anger and caused more of it. I just want to move out. Not dealing with this problematic life would be amazing. Just one more year and I'm free.