Haunted by dreams

Have you ever been scared to death to sleep ?. Scared to pass out from being so tired your eyes just close. To some it is the most peaceful time of the end of a day. while to me its the worst thing in the world. I would rather have caffeine pills and never sleep again. Every time I close my eyes its a dark hole that never ends, A place of endless sorrows and no lights or beginnings. A place of terror and agony. My mind is an empty shell controlled by darkness that wont let go of me. That isn't even the worst part. The worst is that the dreams feel so real and so close that when I do wake up, or get woken up I can latterly feel what was happening in my dream. Maybe its not a dream at all but my way of envisioning what is going to happen to me in the future . I am scared as I do not have answers. but who does. You share shit like this they hospitalized you and pump you full of meds. Being army id be discharged out casted and loose my job. so really I guess things like this are better left unsaid for the most part of life. I often thought that id be happy married with kids great family life, and have the perfect farm for my own business. Never thought id be a cancer victim and a victim of my brothers rage as well. Not even sure how to shake this. I am scared to dream. scared to sleep, scared to even drift. I don't want to think. every second my mind wonders I allow him to control me. I feel trapped within myself, my mind my body glued as though it cant move and I have no control at all. My dreams are not of this world not normal nightmares. at least then you know they are night mares and can get over them rather quickly. mine you wake up can barely breath and puzzled weather it was real. a dream or a vision of what is to come ahead. So really what can you do besides going to make it so you cant dream. stop the pain stop dreaming all in total. I've been threw the most pain I thought that could ever happen. 10,000 volts of electric shock in my head to suppress everything and anything and medication that didn't allow me to dream at all. I finally had a break from within myself. but I didn't know it could be brought back up. I guess if I would have told them why I was dreaming in the beginning things could, and would most likely be a bit different. But confronting my demons wasn't something I was ready to do. not sure I will ever be ready. I wish I knew what it was that made me dream like this. and I wish I could share what is within my dreams. To be honest it scares the fuck out of me to even share them or talk about what I am dreaming or seeing in my mind, when I'm fast asleep. Uncertain if it is a dream is mainly why I want to be quiet. If it is a vision then maybe I should write someday about it as I when I wake up I wont be able to tell the tail but be dead. If my dreams win or whatever they are. Can dream kill people? I don't think so but what if I am right and its not just a dream. but a vision ? would I still be crazy ? id still feel like I have lost control but would I be crazy ?. All my life I have hidden myself from myself for a long time. I just don't even know if I could handle myself enough to try and fix the way I am the reality of my self can be a scary place. what if I am crazy ? the thought of it isn't far fetched at all. I guess I wouldn't really want to know if I am or not. Maybe I belong in a mental ward of some sort. Would they be able to stop my dreams or what ever they are. am I crazy ?. or am I just not seeing the bigger picture of what my life is supposed to be. I am starting to feel like a sock puppet. not knowing but always trying to please others. always trying to be what others want as I don't know what I want who I am or what I am supposed to be. I try and do everything else for others and try to be the version of me they want, so they are happy and I can live with myself. as I am reading and writing this it doesn't even make complete sense. But this is what I go threw day by day and deal with being a prisoner of my head. It was so bad before I had hemorrhages in my head blood clots and nose bleeds. I am scared to death to go threw all these things again. I don't know what to do. I am ruining my bf sleep and that's not fare. I am scared I'm going to run him off, and ill loose the only thing that has ever meant anything to me. or so close to me that could literally rip my heart out. I love him and its a powerful thing. but not all can deal with what I am going threw, what is inside my head. I don't want to drain him or push him away. I don't ever want to loose him. especially over being haunted by my dreams.