One

It’s one stupid little pill.
So why the fuck can’t I just take it?
Why, when I know what will happen,
When I know this fucked up spiral
Of anger/fear/sadness/frustration/depression leading to…

Why can’t I just take it?
I know what it will do.
I know it will make me say things I don’t mean.
I know it will make me do things that I would normally… not.
I know it will make me want to spend all day in bed
And kick my dog off the bed
And spew poison at my husband
Who has no idea why I’m mad.
I know it will make me want to punch holes in the wall
And rehash every damn thing since childhood
That has ever made me feel unworthy
And build it up in my head
Until I feel like I’m just… not.
Crying until I can’t cry.
Showering as hot as I can handle it
Until the hot doesn’t come anymore,
Not because the water heater stopped,
But because I just can’t feel it.

It’s one stupid little pill that can keep all of this at bay.
Why do I feel like it’s ruining my life?
Why do I let it?
Just… why?

I’ll take my pill now.
Because…
I don’t know how far I’ll go.
And I don’t want to want to go there.
And I did today…
I’m scared.

I’ll take my pill now.

******

NOTE: I wrote this some time ago, and have since improved dramatically. I have also changed my medication for the better. But I felt this was important to share, if for no other reason than that others might be suffering from the same problem, facing having to medicate for something unseen - and that this might make them feel seen and important.