Awaking Bud

As I came into the room, a dim light shone through the dusty window, illuminating his frame. His knees are drawn up to his chest, arms wrapped firmly around his legs. I close my eyes, turning away from the sight. My heart squeezes in my chest as if trying to suffocate me and all I feel is this pain.

I look at the light as if it is some glimmer of hope, but there is no hope. Won’t he ever unfold himself from his hiding place and come back to my arms? I still wait for when we can forget all the pain and simply fall in one another’s arms once more. When will our dawn come? Will it ever come?

All I can feel is the pain — I grapple with it, wish to cast it aside, and yet I cling to it with all that I am. Our lives have truly become a living nightmare; Hell has loosed its fiery breath upon us, and it is everything we have ever feared.

If only God would grant us a taste of Heaven — a tiny sliver of happiness in each other’s arms. I ache for your touch, for your tenderness… your love. This dream of mine seems so out of reach! If there is a God — any God — please grant me this one wish, this happiness I long for.

I stand here gazing at your face, seeing the tears hidden behind your eyes. You try so hard to hide your own sadness. I see it. I saw it from the first moment we met, those tears you hide, the pain you keep caged inside you.

I feel it, too. I feel that overwhelming heartache from the depths of your very soul, and it brushes against mine. If only I could reach you, kiss away the pain… If I could, maybe the pain in my own heart would recede for a bit.

I find myself asking why I feel you so strongly when you have not even given me any sign. You have not even said those sacred words I desperately wish to hear spill from your perfectly sculpted lips. And yet, I feel you in every fiber of me — I feel your pain, and I want to make it go away. I want to see you truly smile. Will it ever be?

Can it be?

Won’t you let us be?

Someday? Perhaps. I know it’s hard. I know where you hide, curled into yourself, denying this situation you’ve been thrust into against your will. I realize the choice before you is hard. I know it will be difficult to leave the safety you have in the miserable position you find yourself, sitting there, any small trace of hope causing your hair to shimmer.

I look up to the window again; there is not a cloud in the sky. The sun is shining. Let it shine on you, my love. Yes, sometimes the sun can hurt you, but in the end, we’ll be happier opening ourselves to it. The flower struggles to awaken to the sun, but once it blooms, it is beautiful. And so shall our love be if ever given the same opportunity to bloom.

The choice is in your hands.

I will stand here, watching you. I will continue feeling both our pain. I’m here… you only need to reach out. I’m close enough to touch if you could unwrap your arms from your knees. I know so much holds you back. I know the confusion; I know the pain; I know how torn you are, and I am sorry for the state we are in. I also know it is my fault, and I accept that responsibility. I wish I could make it all go away: the pain, the confusion, the obstacles… But I can’t.

So I wait, hoping you will come to me. I know it might not ever happen, but I’ll never give up hoping. After all, I am hopelessly hopeful for you, my love.