Journal II (still not poetry)

Nobody else is around to listen right now.

I don't want you to give me gifts.
I don't want your new clothes.
I don't want food.
[...]
I just want to feel heard.

I want you to hear me.
please.

I don't want to deny you those things.
I know you love me.
And I love you.
but this is killing me
Please listen.
Please
--
Exactly as I did it,
I told myself
not to!
I knew that I needed to hold myself back,
but I couldn't, I guess.
I don't know how, but I
did it and it just happened.
I told myself not to do it,
and I saw that moment where
I could breathe and do better
than that.

but it still happened, and
I hated myself for being unable
to do anything

Immediately after. I wished I could
walk back & wish you
"Happy Birthday" & "Thank you, guys,"

but I knew it was too late.

I HATED that.
GOD where is my MUSIC?!
Please.

(please stop trying, just listen. stop. please stop [...])
--
Yeah it's
All still Angst
FUCK YOU
You got it
RIGHT
bozos
--
--
How much it
hurts to hear
that you are
disgusted to hear
my pain

How much it hurts
still to hear you
say that you are
afraid & care about
me.

(You hurt me without reaching me.
I can
only pray
to
GOD
you listen)
--

No more excuses for
your cruelty.

They make me sick.

Just.
stop.

You are my family.
We are united by our love.

(Where
is
Your
Humility?
Is this
really
such
a
vice
for you?)