Reflecting, Part 1.

I took this video a year ago.

12 months.

52 weeks.

365 days.

So much has happened and changed in that time. I, myself have changed a lot in many ways while I also discovered new parts and versions of myself I didn't know existed.
Yet even though I've changed, watching this video I can feel every emotion as if I am right back in the moment taking it.
To start, I was incredibly manic here. No one noticed and if they did they blamed it on the fact I was drinking caffeine ... I even blamed the caffine...it wasn't the caffeine. It was me, having an episode where I would start my walk or spiral as I would call it, down a dark road I hoped not to walk down again.
In everyone's defense though I also did not know I was having an episode at the time. I suffer from BPD (Bi-polar Disorder) among other mental illness like anxiety, depression, PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) and over all trauma from an abusive relationship.

Lets go back to the beginning. The date is February 19th, 2020 one week exactly before my 25th birthday. My boyfriend at the time was promising this great big happy birthday, he was going to get us a nice hotel room with a big bath tub, we were going to dress up, have a nice dinner, blah blah blah. We did end up going to the Hard Rock hotel but I wont lie, thinking back on it that room was like something out of a gay 1960s porno. Dinner was good, as in the food, the conversation was awkward and forced.
I don't drink and to keep it simple, alcohol and I just do not mix. My ex though loved to drink and it was always a constant argument between us, to be honest I think it was the deal breaker for him, not being able to drink with me.
Not to long after my birthday, I was walking home from work again after he "forgot" to pick me up. That's where I would just say "fuck it" and stopped at the liquor store I was passing. I walked in, grabbed a huge bottle of Pinot, paid and walked home. I wont lie, I sat there staring at that bottle for a good few hours telling myself I would have a year of sobriety in April and that I should not drink this wine. Welp...I called my boyfriend, yanno looking for a good reason NOT to drink and would you believe me if I told you I didn't hear from him until 3am the next morning? Yup, 3am this man is calling me telling me his car got towed in the middle of the night BECAUSE HE HADN'T MADE A PAYMENT IN 3 MONTHS, after not hearing from him all day, that was the phone call I woke up to in the middle of the night when I also had work in the morning. I WAS PISSED but I loved him...so later when he called me in the middle of my shift and asked for any money he could borrow from me, I lent him my last 300$, never heard a thank you and never saw that money again.

Now we are in the middle of March 2020 and all of sudden Covid19 hits, we are in a pandemic and quarantined together for three weeks...he drops me off April 6th and I don't see him again for over two months.

A lot happened in those two months but if you asked me what it was that happened I wouldn't be able to tell you, it's as if my brain fuzzed it out like a static TV screen. I know the memories are there though, I feel the ache of them, I just can't see them. Just like I didn't see Eric but I constantly felt his presence. He refused to see me, but I stayed with him as if that was a normal thing. He would go full days with out speaking to me then some how convince me that was also okay. Somehow some way he always made me believe I deserved the treatment he was giving me and that it was as good as it was going to get.

Eric was pure evil in my world, in some ways he still is. If I were to see him now...if I didn't pass out first...I'd run in the complete opposite direction as fast as I possibly could.

We were together for a better part of two years and I will never say that I was fully innocent in our relationship but after a very traumatic situation happened I'd like to believe I changed.
I loved that man whole heartedly, he could do no wrong in my eyes. If I have ever seen perfect I thought he was it. Oh, I was so wrong.

I realized he didn't actually care for me when I almost jumped off the Seaside bridge to end my life and he was the first phone call I would make to reach out for help. He was drunk with other girls when he answered the phone I don't even remember what he said I just remember he hung up with out a goodbye and I didn't hear from him for the rest of the night.

My suicide attempt was July 18th, 2020.

My sobriety date is July 22ed, 2020.

I couldn't tell you what made me want to get sober this time, maybe it was because I did almost take my own life. Maybe I did want to be okay. Maybe this time I was willing to fight for myself because deep down I really did want to live. I don't know. What I do know is that I woke up the morning of the 22ed and I haven't had a drink since. It wasn't easy but I did it.
I also reached out for help. I now have a therapist and a doctor, I'm on medication for my anxiety, depression and PTSD, I would also be diagnosed with BPD. Which explained a lot about my life growing up and the reason for a lot of my outbursts. Basically it made sense when they told me I was bi-polar.

With Eric, it didn't matter that I was finally getting the real help I needed, it didn't matter that I was on medication or doing better. He literally just thought I was crazy and would go on to tell me I was crazy until the last day we spoke. He was selfish, narcissistic, manipulative, just an all around mean person. He made me feel ugly, gross, sad, stupid, anxious, uncomfortable and just completely out of my mind. He could tell me the sky was green though when it would clearly be blue and I would probably believe him for a good second that it was green because it was Eric telling me it was green.

The sky might as well have been green during the time I spent with Eric, that's how blurred my world was with him around. Even though I slept next to him 5 out of 7 days a week, knew how he took his coffee, how to cook his favorite meal, his favorite songs, books, TV shows, any question you asked me about him I knew, I knew Eric better then I knew myself. He was my boyfriend...but in his eyes he wasn't. We were never "dating" in his eyes, we were never together, to him, I was nothing and I know that now...and truthfully it's a hard pill to swallow, it SUCKS knowing you never once meant a thing to some one who was your everything. I say I knew him...but if I'm being honest with myself, I guess I never really knew him...the only thing I can say I know about him for sure is that he loves the Phillies, I know that because he always told me how he loved the Phillies but never not once told me how he loved me...in his eyes I was the most unlovable inconvenient person in his life but he kept me around. Why?

I don't have an answer to why and don't think think I ever will. Maybe that is for the best.