Her Royal Kittiness HP

It’s day one thousand and ninety five since those imprudent humans let me outside to bask in the sun. Since we moved here I haven’t been able to bring gifts of affection to the front door and I haven’t made any friends in the neighbourhood. My liberty has been taken away and I don’t know why. It’s as though I am in kitty jail. I lay blame on those small humans. I’m their fluffy prisoner.
The smallest one tries to share its revolting human food with me one minute and then unconcernedly whacks me with a cushion and laughs maniacally the next. WTF? I can’t figure that little guy out. The other small human won’t let me keep it warm on the couch. It always shoves me off when I try and snuggle. It’s not a very affectionate human at all. Oh how I long for a head scratch and warm lap. I stand there purring and let out the sweetest meow to grab their attention, but it never works. The big lady human will even go as far as to tell me to piss off. What a bitch!

In the afternoon, when the sun is in the right place, I get to enjoy the warm rays coming through the glass door at the back of the house. It doesn’t last long though. Either the sun goes away or the smallest human chases me away. Life was much more relaxed before the little humans arrived. I miss my old wrestling friends and I miss the warm pavement.
Tit for tat, though. The idiots bought this cushion thing and put it on the comfy microfiber couch where I sleep. I know it's for me to sleep on to keep their furniture clean, but I don't want it. I didn't ask for it. I want to sit on their comfortable furniture and leave piles of my hair damn it. So.. I sit in a new spot with a superior look on my face knowing that the big lady human will have to vacuum once again. Or buy another kitty cushion for that spot, too. Before she knows it the whole couch will be filled with kitty cushions for me. HaHa! It is almost as funny as watching her clean my poop off the floor next to my litter box twice a day. I can tell it bothers her but she still won’t let me outside. I will stop doing that if she would just let me out, even just for today.

Heh, at night time when the humans are asleep I eat my awfully bland, drab, and dreary dry food, very loud, at 3am. They're so stupid. They serve it to me in an over-sized stainless steel bowl. Between the crunching of the revolting dry food and sliding the bowl on the hard tile floor I gleefully make the most irksome sounds, it truly brings me great pleasure. My absolute favourite thing to do, though, is chase imaginary mice around the house at 4am. I knock over brooms and loose items on the kitchen bench. It scares the wits out of everyone and the large human man comes out to investigate every time. As soon as I hear him coming I sit on the couch and act perfectly innocent. It is always funny, even if he does lock me in the smelly poop room with all of their smelly clothes baskets.

I do ponder my release date. I’m just going to sleep, drop hair on the couch and poop on the floor until then. It’s all I can do. I give up. Humans are terrible creatures.