Born into a Chaotic Situation

Born into a chaotic situation has a detrimental effect on everyone involved. What happens when parents are surprised when the news of a pregnancy is announced, especially when there's a big age difference (my mother was 39 years old and my dad was 56)? This means that there was an age difference of 18 years. Because of their age, it upset a lot of people, including family. At the tender age of about 11 or 12, I felt that I didn't fit in (I wasn't accepted as part of the family; in other words, I felt that I was the black sheep of the family). I remember fighting these feelings for years, thinking that it was all in my head. I felt very uncomfortable. As time passed, I found that my feelings were accurate. When my mother passed away at 88, my family gave me the cold shoulder; they wouldn't speak to me.

When I was in dire straits, (a sad situation), I believe that my family was holding me responsible for a decision I had to make. My mother had lost a lot of blood. A hospitalist had a long talk with me about what options she had. He said that they could do a blood transfusion, but it would cause chest spasms that would be painful. My mom was on oxygen at the time and would keep pulling the tube out of her nose every time that I would put one in. He said that he would be able to prolong her life for a little bit, but that she would feel very uncomfortable. He also said that he could put her on a morphine drip that would end her life without pain. I decided to have them do a morphine drip; she didn't like the oxygen, and she was in a lot of pain. The night before she passed, my childhood friend and I had a good conversation with my mom. We had a lot of fun. The hospitalist said that she had a very good night, and left this earth without any pain. She reminded me of a purring kitten or cat; the sound was like a baby being content with their nap.

Born into a chaotic situation is stressful. Making decisions, especially whether to prolong someone's life or end it, is a hard one to do. I got all the information I needed and felt that I had done the right thing. My mother has one brother and one sister left out of nine. To this day, no one talks to me much. Blaming me for making the decision I did is really unfortunate, but knowing what I was told, it was the right one; my mom wouldn't have wanted to suffer. I miss her a lot, as well as my dad; they were good people, and I believe that they did an excellent job of raising me.

This is a sad story, I know, but I wanted to share this story with you about what can happen in a family, especially when you are put in a position, such as mine when making tough decisions.


Written by Anna Marie Carlson
Saturday, July 16, 2021