Harry Potter and the Pictures of Richard

Imagine if you will, Hogwarts with one small, but very significant change – everyone has a smartphone.


Harry, Hermione and Ron were sitting together in the Gryffindor Commons room and discussing the events of the day.

“I heard a joke today.” Ron said.

Harry and Hermoine exchanged a glance, Ron was terrible at telling jokes, and often forgot when he’d already told them one before.

“Go on then Ron.” Harry invited kindly.

“My Voldemort has got no nose.” Ron could hardly stop himself from laughing.

Another glance, and Hermione took up the cue, after all Ron was their friend.

“How does he smell?”

“Terrible!” spluttered Ron and guffawed loudly. Harry and Hermione joined in, Ron’s enthusiasm was contagious.

Just then Hermione’s phone played a brief burst of ringtone, to alert her that a message had arrived. Hermione’s ringtone was an oldie, George Gershwin’s “Let’s call the whole thing off.”

Hermione tapped on her screen. Her nose wrinkled.

“Ewwww. Dick pics.”

She was just deleting the pictures, when Harry’s phone chimed, (I’m Still Standing by Elton John). Harry examined his screen.

“Ewwww. Dick picks.”

Ron looked at his phone.

From across the Common Room they heard Neville Longbottom’s disgusted shout.

“Ewwww. Dick pics.”


The next day, the three friend’s had ‘Potions’. They were concentrating on a particularly complicated brew when they heard Professor Snape’s phone playing ‘Love Potion Number Nine’ as covered by The Tiger’s of Pan Tang.

Professor Snape made a quick examination of his phone and pulled a face.

While Snape was deleting the message, Harry looked at Hermione and Ron, and mouthed,

“Dick pics.”

Hermione nodded her agreement, Ron took a quick look at his phone.

Despite the usual noise of an evening meal in the Great Hall, everybody heard the familiar sound of Professor McGonagall’s phone playing the witch theme from The Wizard of Oz. The Professor liked to remind people she could be badass when the situation required it.

A moment later the Professor exclaimed loudly,

“Well really Albus, I’m surprised at you.”

A brief pause, the whole hall now silent and listening carefully.

“And for the record, I’ve seen larger chipolata sausages.”

There was a roar of laughter, cut off hastily by the basilisk stare of Professor McGonagall.

A murmur of conversation swelled, and soon it was just as noisy as before.

Ron stared down at his phone, then stuffed it away before anyone noticed.



In his hidden lair, Voldemort’s plotting was interrupted by the cheerful strains of his ringtone. He sang along,

“I’m a Barbie Girl….”

“Mmmm. Dick pics.”

Quickly, he fired back a text, “Hold on to your wand. LOL.”



The main meal had just been cleared, and desserts were appearing when Harry’s phone and Hermione’s both went off.

All around the room, phones were playing as messages arrived.

Fred and George Weasley’s phones both had ‘We Are Siamese” from Disney’s Lady and the Tramp.

Crabbe’s ‘I'm a Gummy Bear’, by Gummibär, competed with both Goyle’s Crazy Frog’s version of 'Axel F' and Malfoy’s ‘Baby Shark’.

Gilderoy Lockhart had ‘I Remember You’, the Frank Ifield version. Cederic Diggory’s phone was playing ‘(I Just) Died In Your Arms’ by Cutting Crew, whilst Hagrid’s phone had ‘Right Said Fred’ sung by Bernard Cribbins. Neville Longbottom cut off ‘I Need A Hero' by Bonnie Tyler as he opened his message.

All around the Hall the ring tones were followed by,

“Ewwww. Dic pics.”

Ron’s phone was silent.

“IF I might have your attention.” Professor Dumbledore boomed.

“I would like to apologise. I accidentally pressed send to all. Sorry about that.” and he sat down looking vaguely embarrassed.

Ron looked at his phone again, sighed and slid it away.

Suddenly from his pocket he heard the sound of the theme tune to ‘The Ratties’

Opening his message, Ron read,

“Made U Look. LOL.”

It was from Hermione.

Ron mumbled something under his breath.

“That’s right, “ Hermione said, “I am a bright witch.”




For the record: I can only apologise for this, I couldn't resist the silliness of it. The characters used here are of course created by JK Rowling, and no disrespect of her marvellous books is intended. Most of the music referred to has some connection with the person who's phone it graces, and I have mentioned the artists specifically in case you want to work out what that connection is. Hagrid's is a nod to his often used phrase "I should not have said that." Perhaps I should not have written this, but I hope that you enjoyed it just the same.