Lance Decker Rock

Lance Decker Rock

By Shadowgate

It was a sunny afternoon in Pittsburg PA. Seven year old Lance Decker Rock arrived home from school. He had a pint of milk and a slice of lemon cake. After that he washed up with warm water then did his math homework.


After his mother checked his math homework he was free to have fun. He went straight up to his room and pretended there was a big camera filming him in Hollywood.

"I face a giant world every day. I wish I had more time to go out and play. When I'm at school I do all I can. That's what the teacher demands. This week we've had lots of rain. Our gym teacher got mad and made us run outside in the mud. Only a few students were bad but she wanted to see everyone in pain. When we were done with gym we tracked mud into the classroom. Our gym teacher got in trouble in the end."


Lance starts jogging in place.

"I'm an only child and I'm glad I am. If I had brothers and sisters they might blow their noses in my soup."

Lance continues jogging in place then stops.


"My neighbor Mister Goodman fell down. His wife is a dingbat. Dingbat, dingbat, the dingbat she married a fool. Oh la la la la."

Lance raises two fingers and moves them back and forth like he's conducting a symphony.

"My friend Jimmy Canton lives down the street. His grandma was a crazy old bird. She ran out in the street and yelled 'I raised 17 children with a chainsaw and 16 of them survived."

Lance starts jogging in place.

"Oh but when Jimmy's grandma ran out in the street with a shotgun. She blew out Mister Edwards car windows and she was escorted off to a mental institution. Yes Jimmy's grandma went to a mental institution. Oh la la la la oh every day I wonder if my school will burn down. Every day I wonder if my school will burn down. I heard some fifth graders talking about burning down the school and they got expelled. The teacher who turned them in was later caught with matches and talking about burning down the school. The principal fired her oh yeah. La la la the school burning down. La la la the school burning down."

Lance stops to catch his breath then he sings "Bobby was on the school bus and he yelled 'crash the bus.' The bus driver got mad and wrote him up. Last week my dad went to a Cannibal Corpse concert. I wanted to go because I love rock music but mom said no. Boo!"

Lance turns to his left and begins marching in place.

"1, 2, 3, 4, Mommy tried to shove a stepladder up my ass."

Lance's mother screams "Lance Decker Rock!

Lance yelled "oh mom you interrupted my rehearsal."

"Lance that's not appropriate. What on earth is all this stuff you're singing?"


Lance's mom tells him to sit in time out for swearing and he groaned.


THE END