Depressed Mamas

I have been asked i don't know how many time now,(Why are you depressed, you have nothing ti be depressed about!) I cant tell you how many time i have sat down and cried in a bathroom or laundry room cause of it. I cant count the times i have wanted to scream to the top of my lungs cause i just felt like it. The life of being a mom is fabulous, words cant describe how much a mother loves her children. However there are times where we as mother get stuck in loop, an every day cycle that feels like it is never ending.
In my life it's, wake up at 5:30A.M. to get dressed and do my business and get out the door at 5:50 to warm my car up and on the road at 6A.M. to head to my mothers house about 10 minutes away form where i live and take her to work. Depending on traffic and how awake i am really depending on the time i get there. Of a morning times i struggle, some morning are better then others but if i don't sleep well at night i really struggle, and traffic form my house to hers can be hell sometimes. There is a wood chip yard almost dead in the middle, and 18 wheeler trucks going in and coming out of that place takes up both sides of the road so you really have to watch yourself when you get there cause some of those truckers really don't care. i cant stand getting stuck behind one i tend to stay 3 car lengths behind cause its wood chips and they don't put a tarp over top of those trucks and crap fly's out everywhere. 6:10 or 6:15 like i said really depending on the traffic. Pick my mother up and driver another 15 to 20 minutes to drop her off at work, and again traffic has a lot to do with my times, and after 6:15 i start running in to school traffic.
Heading home i am awake - awake and fully ready to start my day. Getting back home i walk through the door waking my husband up first and heading to my kids room. Waking them up is a breeze for the most part, The hardest part with the boys being awake is the, " i cant find this, Tie my shoes, I cant zip my coat, cant find my hoodie" its always something with kids. It is very much true that you could lay everything out for your kids even down to there socks and underpants and coats and they find a way to miss place it or lose it. With my kids, they all have to take medication, i have to take medication so that part id easy to remember. Getting them out the door for school at a good time is my problem, its always my problem i am bad with time even though i try and time and plan out my whole day. Two different school and all my kids is under the ages of 11, one goes to a special need school cause he as ASD and for the parent who know what it is they will understand. Kids with ASD thrive on a tight schedule and i am bad with time for the most part, even though i try my hardest.
Getting all the kids to school and getting back home i am ready to go back to bed some morning, and then again some mornings i just want to go to the park that's close to me and walk until my heart is content. After either walking or sleeping, depending on the time of each thing cause it matter. I can walk until it's time to pick the kids up form school and i can also sleep until its time to get the kids form school, that's how depression works, you get stuck and sucked in the depression and it consumes you. Any way, getting the kids form school asking how there day was and listening to all of them and while doing that i am driving to go get my mother form work to take her home before i head home with the kids.
Getting home with the kids its medication time again for 1 of them and then homework for them all at the kitchen table while i start cooking cause this time it is 4P.M. As kids getting done with home work they go play outside or on the back porch while i get finished with dinner and then for the most part time to eat between 5 and 5:30. After eating its back to play time for the boys and me and my husband are talking about his day at work and anything that comes up for topic and i clean. Starting with the kitchen to the living room, them the my bathroom and laundry room while husband is watching TV or talking with friends he is always doing something different each day. Except for hockey game day then its 100% focus on his hockey team.
At 6:30 its bath and shower time and its never in order for my boys, we have two bathrooms so one is always in the bath while the other is in a shower and the 3rd one is waiting for one of the other to to get done first. Bed time was hard for me at first but i found out the perfect times for each kid and after that it got easier. the to smallest goes to bed at 7:30 and the oldest goes to bed at 8 15, everyone is asleep no later then a 8:45. This way they are easy to wake up early in the morning and as i said my ASD son thrives on a tight schedule. After there in the bed asleep i do the same thing i do ever night on a school night, i gather all there stuff they will need for the next morning and get it set up for them and look over the house a few more times to see what i missed while cleaning cause the kids have ran threw the house messing back up again, there kids. Its what kids do they make a mess but as a parent you get us to it. For the most part of my day i have either slept or walked, 3 miles and yes i have tracked it before cause i was board and had nothing else to do. taken care of my kids and done what house work needed to be done and at this point i am tired but I'm not.
I have nothing else to do, and really no one to talk to other then my husband. I don't have any friends to speak of, I try and talk to my sister but she has 3 kids just like me and the difference between me and my sister, she has friends to talk to and go out with. I don't, i had work friends, when i worked but i had to quick working cause i lost my only means of child care and the job was expecting more of me then i could do. So now its just me and my mother and my kids and husband every day, for months it has been like this. No date nights cause no one wants to keep all 3 kids at the same time, no going to the mall and yes i am 29 year old and every once in a while a hour or 2 walking around the mall and window shopping is going out in my book. Going to see a movie, well i don't really like watching to much TV cause there is nothing constant i like to watch, i get board with TV so fast. Reading OMG i love to read, steamy books, romance, fantasy, horror, mystery, mythology i love to read. I have 2 tall book shelf's FULL of books i have read, but i get tired of reading sometimes, there is only so much a person can read before getting board with it to. So i lay in the bed or sit on the couch and look up news stories or look up random stuff just to take up my time cause if not i would be staring at the wall. i have nothing else to do, i cant go out walking again cause its dark and i am not walking the roads at night, there is no more house work to do cause all of its done. so i am left wondering how much i could have done in a better way. How can i make myself better, can i finally step out of my comfort zone but i know that will NEVER happen. so i am left with my own thoughts and wonders and getting in my head and letting small things get to me for no reason what so ever. Stuck in a loop doing this everyday, for months at a time. Getting to where i just want to scream and cry cause there is nothing in my life to look forward to. Not wanting to talk about my feelings and bottling it all up and keeping to my self. How do i fix myself, how do i do better. Its all part of a depression loop every parent gets stuck in form time to time.