Delusion of Teenagers

This naive little piece was written when I was 17 for an advanced English course I was taking. Sad to say, I did not live up to my own high ideals. Now I am just another married adult who looks back and thoroughly agrees with what I wrote then. The reason I think this piece is naive is because I believe I thought better of my peers intentions than was actually true.
November 17, 1997


The Delusion of Teenagers


When I was given this assignment for English class, I was excited. There were so many possibilities! I considered writing about how we have been bribed to consider marriage as permanent as we want it to be, or about how life is not as sacred as it once was, or about how this generation is trained to think that if something isn’t “fun,” it isn’t good. However, I decided to write on a subject that I have only recently realized I, along with most Christian teenagers, have been bribed into accepting by this culture’s standards instead of the Biblical standards, and one I am, quite frankly, still struggling with. What does it seem like every teenager must have to be fulfilled, as shown on television shows, in magazines, in movies, in school, in malls, and even at church? A boyfriend or a girlfriend.
What’s wrong with that? Where in the Bible does it say “Thou shalt not date?” That’s the response I get from most of the teenagers and some adults, too. Strangely enough, though, most adults (especially married adults) I have asked, say that the idea of not having a boyfriend or a girlfriend when you aren’t ready to get married is a good idea. I believe that is a case of hindsight being wiser than foresight.
The interesting thing is how recent dating really is. Before the use of the automobile, boys and girls, or young men and women, didn’t go out together alone, at least not without the risk of causing a scandal. At that time, if a young man was interested in a young woman, he would approach her father and ask permission to call on her. Her father would make sure he was not only an upstanding Christian man with honorable intentions, meaning he was interested in marrying the daughter, but that he also had secure plans for the future. If the young man did not fit this criteria, the father would show him politely to the door. If he did fit all the criteria, then the father would give him permission to court his daughter. During this courting period, the young man would call on the young woman at her house, take her to social gatherings, or perhaps for a buggy ride, but they were never alone in a secluded area. That was considered an inappropriate setting for an unmarried man and woman, one that placed them not only in a potentially risky setting, but one that would also sully their reputations. I was watching a movie once that was set in the old west, and there was a line in it that surprised and amused me. Can you imagine saying nowadays that, “Any woman who kisses a man before they’re engaged is a trollop?” I haven’t taken a survey, but I would be willing to bet a large sum of money that about 95% of the teenage girls I know would take offense.
Now, kids are dating by the age of eight, maybe even younger. There are dances held at schools for seventh-graders. I don’t think anyone would even try to convince me that these kids are honestly looking for a potential marriage partner. What they are looking for, I don’t know. I know many teenagers who sneak behind their parents back to go out with someone their parents may not approve of. We have thirteen year olds having babies, and most of us aren’t even surprised anymore. The idea of a man asking the father before asking the girl is considered archaic. The days when your first kiss is on the day you got engaged, or even married, is long gone. And who cares if there are no secure plans for the future, you can always live on love, can’t you?
I’ve talked to many of my friends, both guys and girls, and most of them are of the opinion that these changes are good. I have been given many different reasons why it is better to date as teenagers than to wait till you are ready for marriage. One guy told me that there was no point in asking the father anymore, because if the girl wasn’t interested it didn’t matter what the father said, and if the girl did want to go out with him, it was her decision and her life and fathers shouldn’t treat their daughters like property. Many teenagers claim that if a guy and girl don’t get to spend time alone together, they will never get to know each other well. One girl actually told me she had to kiss before she met her husband-to-be so that she could get practice so her bad kissing wouldn’t scare him off! When I ask why they don’t at least wait till they are ready to get married before they start dating, their first reaction is to ask me if I’m insane. The best reasons they have ever given me, however, are weak. First, you need to date people so you can find out what kind of people you get along with best, and second, it’s fun.
Of all these excuses, the first one is the best. That doesn’t mean it’s a good excuse, however. It may be true that if the girl isn’t interested it’s a lost cause anyway, but if the girl is interested, asking her father has several benefits. First, it lets her know that you are really interested in what’s best for her, because what guy with bad intentions wants to get anywhere near a dad? Second, it shows the father that you respect him and his wishes for his daughter, and may result in him having greater trust in you. Third, it sets the groundwork for a good relationship with your future parents-in-law in case you should happen to get married.
Saying that a guy and girl cannot get to know each other in group setting is not true. In fact, in many ways , people can get to know each other better in group settings than when alone. When you are dating, you are on your best behavior, acting which ever way you think is best to attract or keep the other person interested. Often a person is afraid to just let themselves be themselves for fear the other person may not like who they really are. In group settings, you get to see not only how a person interacts with you, but also how he/she interacts with all kinds of people. Seeing them with their family can also provide clues on how they will treat their own family when they grow up. For instance, if a guy is rude to his mother, and cruel to his little brothers and sisters, he most likely will be rude to his wife and cruel to his children. On the other hand, if he is respectful and kind, chances are he will be respectful and kind with his own family later. It is also perfectly possible to talk privately without being by yourselves in a completely secluded area.
I laughed out loud when that girl told me she had to practice kissing other guys before she kissed her husband for fear she would mess up on her wedding day. A kiss is not something you need to practice to make sure you don’t accidentally kiss the nose instead of the lips. It comes pretty naturally, and even if it is an “art form” that needs to be practiced, why don’t you practice with the person you plan on spending your whole life with? The best part is, can you imagine actually being able to tell your husband or wife that they are the first person you have ever kissed?
How do you find out what kind of people you get along with best if you don’t date? Well, there are two ways. The first one is to simply spend time with different kinds of people. If you make both guy and girl friends there should be no problem figuring out what kind of people you get along with. The other is to stop and seriously consider what kind of spouse you want in marriage. List the character qualities, the standards, and the personality traits you want in a husband or wife. The problem with using dating to determine the kind of spouse you want is that you often are attracted to someone just because of feelings, and not necessarily because you would be able to live with them. I know that I am often attracted to guys that I would never be able to stand if I married them, but because they are funny, good-looking, or strong I am attracted to them anyway. Dating someone you couldn’t live with is setting yourself up for a heart-breaking marriage. As far as dating being fun, I’ve been told taking drugs is, too, but I believe both are dangerous.
Dating is dangerous because you are putting your heart, emotions, time, thoughts, and even your body all into the hands of someone you most likely you will later break up with. Every time you do that, you give away a piece of your heart, harden your emotions, waste your time and thoughts, and have your body used, all of which steals from what you can potentially give to your husband or wife. That’s why I plan on waiting to date.