I’ll never forgive myself.. |
I see all of these well-spoken people exposing their churches on Twitter & TikTok, and I wish so badly I could be one of them. The issue is, I’m too angry to be well-spoken right now, and I’m afraid that will cheapen my words. I’m mad that the best year of my life turned out to be a sham. It went from being the year I was most proud of myself, to the year that I know I will look back on, and hold against myself forever. It went from the year in which I thought I had found redemption, to the year that I cemented that that very same redemption is something I know I will never deserve. It went from the year of my healing, to the year that I realized that my happiness and peace came at a cost; it caused their trauma, their misery, their brokenness; and I can’t take it back. I’m mad that I’m blaming myself more than I blame the man— the director and youth pastor— who started it all; the multitude of pastors that turned blind eyes; the leadership that silenced my class and my brothers; the parts of the congregation, and families that chose sides; the church staff that slandered the victims on social media when they finally spoke up & tried to fight back— only ever caring about how much money they’d have to shell out in lawsuits. I am so fucking angry that this didn’t happen a week ago, a month ago, even 6 months ago; This happened 4 years ago; And I’m just writing about it now. Honestly, I think that’s what I’m angry with myself for most of all. |