Mood

Another day off. I'm full of self hate
Day 3 of trying to lose some more weight
Have eaten a thing in 72 hours
Starvation is one of my superpowers
Guess I've just been feeling depressed
Or maybe I'm just a little bit stressed
It's hard for me to express how I feel
Because I live in a perpetual wheel1
Survival mode is all I know
Hard to let my emotions show

I don't have much time to waste
Gotta get back to lifting weights
Should probably do that a little bit more
I'm trying hard to rebuild my core
But I needed some time to rest and restore

Maybe I should try and get ripped again
Instead of writing so much with my phone and my pen.
Whatever, I'll never be happy with the body I'm in.
I try to be comfortable in my own fucking skin,
But I got a tape that keeps playing around and around
I think it's a battle I'll never win
Drilled into me by people who I let close to me,
Some of them even call me family

Never cared about the media shit, the crap they sell in magazines,
But family and friends can get under my skin, telling me I look so good when I'm thin,
But wait, now you're pants are hanging off of you again
Now you're too skinny, eat some cake and gain some weight
Wait, that's too much, you've had enough,
You can't keep eating all that bad stuff.
I think you've gotten a little too fat,
Now you gotta stop eating so much crap.
Why don't you go outside, take a nice Long Walk?
Fuck Stephen King, he's a fucking cock.
Go hiking or running, hit the gym while you're at it
But writing's more fun, I'd rather craft some more rap
Create some more art that shows what's on my heart
Don't need to worry 'bout writing the next hit single
Or singing a new and improved Big Mac attack jingle

Hey now, you don't want to be weak and flabby!
But it's important to be confident inside of your body.
But how do I do this when all I get are mixed messages
From people who are supposed to be family and friends?
Even co-workers will talk behind your back
Too many milkshakes. Stupid losers. Fuck that!
I've starved myself for years, over and over,
My metabolism is fucked, it's out of order
My hunger signals are too fucking disordered.
There is no magical fix for this,
Been over 20 years that I've eaten like this.
Started with seeds planted and beat into me when I was a teen
By assholes who treated me like dirt.
Now I get to continue to carry the hurt.
And it never fucking ends, because everyone has to comment about figures
And how women would look better if we were just a bit skinnier,
Or maybe just a little bit bigger,
Whatever, I know I'll never have the perfect figure.
It doesn't exist, it never has.
Just a bunch of camera tricks and airbrushed mags.
Some people really buy into.that stuff,
But I know it's just superficial fluff

I used to have a crew of cool fucking dudes
When I was growing up in the neighbourhood
Used to hang out and roll with the boys
Smoking weed and sharin' stories
Always felt more comfortable and genuine
Always felt like I was just normal and fine
And even in my twenties that's what I preferred
They rarely bothered with following the herd
Didn't have all sorts of crazy expectations
Just down to earth dudes that I related to
I fully understand their damn intentions
They aren't all creepy weirdos vying for attention

I know men aren't all the fucking same
They're not all playing some hustling game
Most of them are actually nice
Want you to enjoy your life
Most don't treat their women like shit
Or trash talk them like they're garbage

Footnotes
1  https://www.instagram.com/p/CpZp9VFuoZN/?utm_source=ig_web_copy_link