Self-Confidence: Let's Discuss

Is there anyone in the whole-wide-world who hasn't wished they had more self-confidence at one time or another? How do we build the self-confidence we need to go after the life we want and not feel like we're being delusional about our own capability?

I'm going to jump right to the chase and slam this down on the table:

Confidence is a belief in oneself.

It is believing that you have the skills and the ability to face whatever challenges or obstacles come your way.

But even more than that - and this might actually hit some of you pretty hard, confidence is self-love; because believing in oneself is a form of self-love.

Believing in yourself is so important because if you don't believe you are capable of doing something - if you don't have the confidence that you are capable of doing something - you're not going to try, or if you do you're not going to give it your all; you're not going to give it a chance.

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Maybe someone important and close to you took that confidence from you. Somehow the message you got from them was that you are not capable. Even if you got this message from them as an act of love to protect you from risk or harm - if you interpreted that as a lack of confidence in your ability, ouch! And if you believe that you are not capable you may even set out to self-sabotage. Afterall, "if I can't do it," you might say, "at least I can be right about THAT."

The opposite of self-confidence is self-sabotage. Have you ever had what you thought was a great idea, and then the more you sat with it the more you attracted thoughts that tell a story of why you are not capable?

We need to stop doing that.

We need to start taking the challenges that come our way as the necessary lesson that is going to teach you how to grow and be better. Self-confidence is built by facing your fears; by facing the obstacle in front of you; believing you have the ability and the skill to accomplish what needs to be done. You have the resources, that though you do not know exactly turn by turn how you are going to get from point A to point B, you are capable. You are capable because you know how to take one next step.

We're not self-sabotaging our greatness anymore, dammit! Like, I'm actually pissed at all that stuff I've never done because I had an issue with my own self-confidence, and I'm pissed for you too!

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I'm a BIG BELIEVER in this one next step concept. The thing is, most of us know what our next step should be. And the thing is even if we get that wrong, congratulations we learned something not to do. But focusing on doing that next step has a great way of calming down the nerves and revealing answers we didn't know were lying just under the surface.

There is nothing here that says you have to get it right the first time. Except that perfectionist voice in your head that says, "if you don't get in right the first time you must not be capable." That is self-sabotaging talk. And it's bullshit!

Now, depending on how beaten up you are - how down on yourself you are - your step might need to be very small. It might be getting out of bed by a certain time, brushing your teeth, taking a shower, doing the dishes, and feeding yourself a bit healthier.

Conquer those things that feel a little bit hard, but you know what to do. Then just do it.

Show up for yourself!

This will build your self-confidence to take on the other, greater tasks, even if the way doesn't seem as clear:
-Because you've built a certain amount of confidence and belief in yourself.
Because you know, no matter what, you have the skills and the resources to face whatever it is you need to face; that you don't have to have it all figured out at the beginning.

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Often serendipity and synchronicity actually add to the joy of the process. Whatever it is you are trying to create for yourself. You begin to have faith and trust in the process. A calm, methodical, consistent, persistent focus on the goal without the urgency, freneticism, anxiety that comes from someone who is still not sure of achieving their goals. This is what I call the "confidence mindset," a belief so strong in your capability that this thing is a done deal.

If you can foster in your mind and body this calm sense that you're gonna figure this out, one way or another, whatever comes, then any challenge you meet becomes something to grow from. It is coming to you because whatever it is that you seek - there is a piece - this challenge and hurdle, that you need to solve in order to get what it is you came for. It's not an obstacle to your dream, it is a component of it that needs to be set right.

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Your first step begins in your mind believing that you are capable of overcoming it. Self-confidence.

Then, to build self-confidence you have to act.

Anxiety comes from staying in our heads and ruminating. The way to move beyond that is to recognize that you are ruminating and use that as a sign that you need to act.

You have entered into a thought pattern that is not helpful. You're out way ahead of your skis trying to predict the future and you're predicting horrible catastrophic versions of it! Stop! Come back to today and what you need to do. All you need is the confidence to take one more step.

Remind yourself that in order to gain confidence you need to believe in yourself. Start from this place. Believing in yourself and loving yourself is believing in yourself. So what is that first step?
If you know that first step then you need to just get up and do it. Get your shoes on, pour that glass of water, get your keys, get your coat on, grab the broom; do the first micro-step that you know you can do that is going to take you a bit closer to accomplishing the larger task. Answer with action.

As you move, you will begin to generate the motivation to keep going. You will have something tangible to improve and mold and perfect in the real world. Let your mind believe you are capable - but beyond this it is important to simply begin. There is no need to collect more information, just start.

Often we use "research" and collect information before we begin because it feels like productive behavior. But often it is a delay tactic. However, nothing is more valuable than starting and gaining experience, because it sharpens your focus around where your practical limitations are. This helps you identify the concrete areas of learning that are required to move through the hurdle. It is very easy for our anxiety to create worries and anxieties - problems that we actually will never need to overcome.

As I said before, starting often reveals answers we didn't know were lying just under the surface.

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When you accomplish a task, thank yourself for showing up. That is the moment you get to pay yourself back for achieving something that was hard for you and you did it anyway.

When you finish a task, it is important to be mindful of what you have just done. Give yourself that pat on the back, that affirmation, recognize that the next time you find it hard to take that next step - remind yourself that you are capable. Give yourself that self-love and build that self-confidence. Believe you are capable. Recognize your accomplishment.

Charge your next action with the positive mojo that you created from your previous victory.

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Larger projects are simply a series of smaller tasks. When you can accomplish that very first task and create a victory out of that, you will build momentum that will motivate you into the next task until the project is complete. At the heart of things we want to know that we can win at this game.

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If we think of life as a game, the funnest games are the ones we know we can win. If we don't believe we can win; if we don't have the self-confidence to know we can win, we're not going to play at our best. For a game to be fun though, an element of challenge is needed to. If we were to win every time it wouldn't be fun. It is the strategic nature of a game that is engaging and fun.

At times in a game things might go smoothly, at other times it might demand something of us. But if you always believe there is a chance to win then you show up with your best. Being confident is believing that you can win no matter what. That even if there is a struggle, that struggle is going to teach you something. Unlike a game that is over within hours, life is a game that is much longer and affords us more tries. We can keep coming back and finding a better way.

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The greater the challenge you overcome the greater the confidence payback that comes back to you. If you lack confidence for the big challenges in your life, take care of the small things first. Milk those small victories for what they're worth and use that to energize and motivate bigger projects and tasks. When you realize that it all begins with believing in yourself and self love - because that is the source of your true power - then it is only a matter of time before you accomplish your dreams.