The Platinum Card

"Bah!", said Scrooge, slamming down the phone and catching his finger in the process.
"Youch!" he cried, sticking his finger in his mouth.
"This can't be happening, I was dancing in the streets three weeks ago on Christmas morning!" The reborn financier was determined. He dialed again and tapped his fingers on the desk, trying to be patient. There was a click as he was connected. The speech began again. Ebenezer was determined he'd get it right this time.

"Welcome to The Chase Platinum card center! Please listen carefully as our menu has changed. To hear this in English..."
Scrooge interrupted the annoying voice by pressing the one, followed by a one, followed by a three. He had learned.

"Please enter your card number followed by the pound sign." Scrooge squinted at the bill and entered the digits more carefully this time.
"For your current balance and minimum amount due, press one, For your available credit, press two, For our billing payment address, press three..."
Scrooge punched the zero, sure of victory.
"That option is not supported, For your current balance press..."
"BAH!" screamed Scrooge, "I raised Cratchet's salary. I forgave my debtors. Just what kind of newfangled claptrap is this?"
He took a breath and resigned himself, pressing the one in an effort to get to an actual person.
"We're sorry, but our system is down for routine maintenance, please call again at a later time."

Ebenezer Scrooge stood up and clenched his fists. His face reddened and he thought for a moment he would pass out.
"I survived the ghosts and became a better man for it!" he raised one fist to the sky, "You'll not beat me Verizon! - you will not win Chase!"
He looked at Marley's picture on the wall.
"Jacob. With my new eyes I can see clearly thanks to your coming and I thank you. But I must tell you that this voice on the phone reminds me of you when you used to lecture beggars!"

He breathed deep. He brushed sparse hair back from his brow. He picked up the phone and dialed again.
"Welcome..."
One
"If.."
two
"Please enter..."
seven-one-five-two-oh-eight-seven-four-three-one-six-six
"For your current balance..."
One
"Please wait while we retrieve your records"

Ebenezer smiled. He felt a glow in his heart. He was sure this would work out, just as the Christmas tree had gladdened the hearts of Bob and his family, so would the hearts of men speak to him over this very phone in mere moments!
"Your current balance is zero-dollars-and-zero-cents"
Scrooge punched the zero.
"Please stay on the line and a customer service representative will assist you."

The ex skin flint danced a little jig. His eyes lit up like a child approaching the tree on Christmas morning.
"Hello, this is Maria - may I have your full account number please?" said the bright and cheery voice.
Scrooge felt the pull to the dark side but refused to submit. He was thinking of how Bob's mouth had popped open at the size of the game bird he had provided. He was calm.

"You have the number, I just keyed it in for you. It must be right there in front of you...you know, on your computer screen thing there."
Maria remained in good spirits, providing a friendly laugh,
"I'll need your account number to help you, sir. When you're transferred over to us we don't get that number you entered."
Scrooge stood up and paced then quickly sat back down and read her the numbers, slowly and carefully.
"And may I have your social security number for verification purposes?"
He recited the number from memory, buoyed by the thought of his nephew and the surprise on his face when his Uncle had arrived for the dinner party.
"Okay Mister...Scrooge, correct? How may I help you today?"

Ebenezer relaxed in the chair. He'd been on and off the phone for twenty minutes trying to get this far. He peered at the letter in front of him and made his request.
"I understand I can do a balance transfer from another card and get a fixed rate of two point three percent until the ENTIRE balance is paid off?"
Scrooge was pleased with this smart business move. Maria tried to be supportive. "Absolutely sir, you can, but we only take balance transfer requests on weekdays between nine and five."

Scrooge dropped the phone on the floor and looked at it. He could hear her tinny voice coming from the receiver. He looked around at the bills on his desk and the piles of gold coin he had been counting. He remembered a song he'd been singing just a few weeks earlier at his counting house before he became a new man. How did it go...ringle ringle, coins how they jingle! it's such a lovely sound!

He picked up the phone.
"Can't I get the transfer now...today, wh-while I have you on the phone? I..I'm a good person. I want to transfer twenty thousand that I'm currently paying a whopping nineteen percent on!"
Maria was sympathetic. "Mister Scrooge, shall I transfer you to my manager?"
Scrooge became frantic.
"Wait! No...no transfer. Listen, I saved the kid...you know...Tim, he was Tiny and I saved him and...there were presents and..."
Maria interrupted, "I'm sure you did sir, I'm sure you saved him and presents are good...but we only do balance transfers between nine and five on weekdays."

Scrooge looked at Marley's picture again and was tempted to give the customer service clerk a piece of his mind! The old Scrooge would have. Instead, the new Scrooge spoke to Maria.
"Thank you, Maria. I'll call back on Monday. I hope you and your family have a wonderful new year."
The phone said, "Thank you for calling Chase, we appreciate your business." There was a click...and a hum.
Scrooge thought for a moment, then - and with passion - said, "Humbug!"

He found the other transfer offer he'd received from Visa and picked up the phone.