Marrying in Japan: Waiting for Approval

The other day, Yoko, a friend, and I talked about our lives over a few beers in Yokohama. Mike brought up the tale of Yoko and Scott’s courting and marriage. That started about 40 years ago.
I, Scott, came to Japan as an assistant language teacher. Back then, it was called Mombusho English Fellow (MEF). I taught in prefectural high schools in Kanagawa Prefecture. Also, the Kanagawa Education Prefectural Center would send me out to teach, at places such as community centers.
One day, I was sent to a Seishonennkaikan, Youth Center, to teach adults on four consecutive Wednesday evenings. I met Yoko, my future wife, who came to class late. Here is us talking about it.
Scott: Remember when we met?
Yoko: Yes, you were teaching at the Youth Center.
Scott: There were about 15 people, mostly young women. You came late with a friend. I remember you were wearing a skirt.
Yoko: And you were dressed terribly. It looked like you just woke up and threw on some old clothes.
Scott: So, a positive first impression?
Yoko: After getting over the shock of the clothing. I was happily surprised. I thought the teacher might be the wife of someone from the U.S. Navy base or a tall, loud intimating American guy. Instead, there was a short, calm American guy. You also asked lots of questions and waited for answers from the students. You were patient. However, I thought you were not my type, as I had always hoped to marry someone tall and handsome.
Scott: Well, we met after the end of the four weeks, and started to date.
Yoko: I would not call it dating. You were running a lot of road races, and I tagged along with you to races on the weekend.
Scott: Wasn’t that fun?
Yoko: No, we took trains to the races; you ran, sweat, and I carried your clothing. After the race, we talked with your running club friends, many of whom smoked. That was shocking. And, of course, lots of alcoholic drinking. It was not too exciting. But after that, we usually went out to eat or did something together, and that was fun. We kept communicating by postal mail or phone calls, as back then there was no email or LINE.
Scott: Then, one day I proposed in December at a restaurant. I said something like: Yoko, I will never be rich; I will be traveling around, and we may even have to stay in a tent somewhere, but I would like to marry you. Don’t answer now, but next weekend. Think about it.
Yoko: Yes. That was so negative. I wanted a more positive proposal, even if you switched around by starting with, “Yoko, I want to marry you, but….” But I did say YES, the next week.
Then we had to arrange for me to meet Yoko’s parents, as I had not met them yet. We discussed possible questions her dad might ask. He was a retired military officer, so Yoko warned me that he was not very talkative. And, he would not appreciate any of my humor. On the other hand, her mother was friendly and would enjoy the conversation.
Some questions we thought her dad might ask were:
Where do you work?
How much money do you make?
What is your education level?
What are your plans for now? When will you go back to the U.S.?
Scott: Then I had to memorize the Japanese answers to the questions, as my Japanese was, shall we say, not very good. I remember I gave good answers to his questions, though I may have lied when I said we would not move to the U.S. I remember that he was polite and nice to me. I left feeling fine.
Yoko: After you left, we talked and my dad said you are a nice person, but that you would take me to America, where I would be lonely. He said that if you took me to America, then he could not help me if I was so far away. I knew this was my father’s indirect way of saying NO, even without saying NO.
As you know, many Japanese do not like to say No directly, so they are indirect like my father. Even though he did not directly say NO, I knew from his language that he was against the marriage at that time.
Scott: Why didn’t you just marry me, without his permission?
Yoko: Because you told me to wait until my father agrees.
Scott: I said that?
Yoko: You said you wanted me to keep good relations with my family.
Scott: Hmm. Sounds like something I might say.
So, began about two months when Yoko and her dad did not talk to each other, even though they lived in the same house. Yoko would go to work, come home, and avoid her dad.

Scott: I know we have slightly different memories of your dad relenting. I remember your mom had to go to the hospital for a gallstone operation. One day, your dad visited, and your mom said to him: It is about time to let Yoko marry Scott. You have a choice. First, you can let Yoko marry Scott and gain a son-in-law. Or, you do not allow it, and you lose Yoko, who will marry Scott and not come to see you again.
Yoko: Well, your remembrance is wrong!
Scott: Oops.
Yoko: One day, my mom said to my father, something like, “It is about time to let Yoko marry Scott.” My dad did not say anything to me, but my mom told me we could marry. I knew she had talked to my dad, and, again, he had not said YES or NO, but my mom read his answer as OK. My dad is very Japanese when it comes to communicating.
Scott: I often find it difficult to understand the Japanese indirect way of communication. At work, I have learned if someone says, “We will look into it.” That is a definite NO.
Scott: Then I called my parents in the U.S. and told them I was getting married. My mom was so happy that someone would marry me.

Scott: We did not have a wedding in Japan. We just went to the US embassy in Tokyo with two witnesses, filled out Kon-in Todoke (Request of Marriage Registration), and took it to a Tokyo municipal office where we received a Kon-in Todoke Juri Shomeishsho (Certificate of Acceptance of Notification of Marriage Japanese wedding certificate). This was in June.
Yoko: Your mother in Michigan wanted a wedding, so they adjusted your sister’s wedding gown to fit me, and in July, we had a wedding in your family church. Also, we found that we could easily get married in Michigan, so we are also officially married in Michigan.
Scott: Lucky us. Now we have been officially married in two countries for almost 40 years.