Stained Lipstick

         I grew up in the small town of Tofana, Massachusetts which is one of those places where everyone knows everybody. Now, when I say everybody, I really do mean everybody. There lived the same people whose families lived in the same home since the beginning of time. I used to love this concept of everybody being like family, and as a lover of drama, I loved knowing what everyone was up to at any given time. However, this sweet life quickly turned sour when someone was paying a little bit too much attention to what I was doing.

         During my senior year of high school, I started receiving notes enclosed in beige envelopes that smelled like a fresh bouquet of elegant chrysanthemums, sealed with a black lipstick-stained kiss. In hindsight, entertaining these messages was a bad idea, but I couldn’t help it. A guy like me hardly gets any special attention from women, so I was ecstatic that one looked my way, let alone one who went through the trouble of sending these gifts my way - no matter how sketchy they were. Despite the bold presentation, the notes themselves started out quite innocent. They were the basic secret admirer notes seen in the movies. After all this time, I still remember when I got my first note. It was the week before Halloween and I was on my way to my fifth period, AP English with Mrs. Smith. I needed to grab Hamlet from my locker, and when I opened it, the envelope had fallen out. It felt like it was straight out of a rom-com. Curiosity got the best of me; once I saw the puckered lips, I ripped open the envelope without hesitation. My pulse quickened as I read it to myself:

         To my love,
I’ve been infatuated with you ever since I laid eyes on you. I want nothing more than to be with you, but I’m afraid you won’t feel the same way. I think about you all the time; I see you in my dreams, and you are my first thought when I wake up in the morning. I’d do anything for you. I can only hope that one day, you see me the way I see you.
Love always,
Your secret admirer


         It is only now that I recognize how unsettling it was. I honestly hate myself for not throwing it in the trash where it belongs right then and there, but like I said, I couldn’t pass up the possibility that a girl had been thinking of me in any capacity other than just friends. For the next few weeks, I’d been receiving similar letters in my locker every Friday. It had become my favorite day of the week, and I found myself eagerly anticipating to see that charcoal kiss waiting for me with my textbooks. It was the only thing I had to look forward to at the time (which is incredibly depressing now that I think about it) since it gave me the validation I desperately craved. It drove me crazy not knowing who was sending me these love notes, but for the life of me I couldn’t figure out who it was. I hardly spoke to girls, and the ones I did talk to weren’t exactly rushing to take me out of the friend zone. I did everything in my power to catch the culprit, but to no avail. Nobody saw anything and I could never get to my locker early enough to narrow down my suspects. Eventually, I got another letter stating:

         To my love,
I adore how hard you’re trying to figure out who I am, but please, you’re going about this all wrong. You’ve passed me in the halls countless times, yet you never noticed me. To be completely honest, I quite like seeing how obsessed you’ve already become with me. I’ve had to change my route a few times already just to avoid being caught! I love this game we’ve created. I don’t want to give you any hints - I wouldn’t want to ruin all the fun. As much as it pains me to avoid you, I just think of how we’ll be together one day - and that is a promise.
Love always,
Your secret admirer

         And at that, I decided to leave it alone, trying to push aside the uneasiness inside of me. It wasn’t until the first Friday of winter break when the discomfort truly started to settle in. My parents were out of town for the weekend, so I was enjoying myself at home, watching the Home Alone series when I heard a light tapping at the door. I reluctantly paused my movie and walked towards the door. I didn’t think anything of it when I didn’t see anybody standing out there; I just figured it was some kids pulling their idea of a fun joke. That’s when I saw it: sealed with a black lipstick-stained kiss was the beige envelope lying on my doormat. The aroma of chrysanthemums emanating from it created a feeling of spiders constructing their elaborate networks of silk in my stomach - which of course, I chose to ignore.

         I quickly stepped onto my porch and frantically looked side-to-side, not seeing a soul in sight. It felt like I stood out there for ages, only to be met with silence. I headed back inside to warm myself back up, taking the envelope with me and setting it on the dining table before returning to my movie marathon. While I was interested in the contents of the envelope, at the time I was much more intrigued in watching Macaulay Culkin set Joe Pesci’s head on fire. Just as I was starting to sink into my sofa, I heard a fast-paced knocking on the door. My gaze fixed on the television as I elected to ignore whoever was bothering me. It wasn’t long until there was another, harder pounding on the door. That definitely broke my focus on the screen as I shot up from my seat. I slowly walked towards the front of the house, feeling my heart about to break through my chest. There was an indescribable sensation accumulating in my gut - the first warning I ignored. I told myself that it was just the same kids again, trying to get a more laughable reaction out of me, but a part of me knew that wasn’t it. My hand shakily made its way to the doorknob, hesitating to touch it, as if it were to burn me upon contact. God, stop being such a baby. It’s just a bunch of kids playing a prank. No matter how many times I repeated the thought to myself, it wouldn’t stop the panic from building up inside me. After standing there for what felt like an eternity, I screwed my eyes shut and threw open the door. Still, nobody was standing there to greet me. My breathing slowed back to normal as I stared at my empty front yard until the smell hit my nostrils: chrysanthemums. My eyes slowly turned down when I saw another beige envelope on my doormat. This time there was no kiss waiting for me, but a crude heart drawn in smudged black lipstick. I don’t know why I decided it’d be a good idea to pick it up, but I did. I picked it up and I brought it into my home.

         I locked the door behind me as I made my way to the dining table and compared the two letters in front of me. I opened the first envelope I’d received that night and read:

         To my love,
I couldn’t bear the thought of having to wait weeks until school started. I needed to see you. You know, I also love the Home Alone movies. They really are the perfect movies to watch during the holidays. Maybe one day, we could watch them together, cuddling on the couch with a nice cup of hot cocoa. I dream of the day you will finally notice me. Hopefully, it’ll be soon.
Love always,
Your secret admirer

         To say I felt chills run down my spine would be an understatement. My feet froze in place as my eyes were superglued to the piece of paper in my trembling fingertips. I couldn’t even tell you how long I stood in that spot; it could’ve been seconds, it could’ve been hours for all I know. The memory of the second letter pulled me back to reality and my head finally moved to the side where it sat. Against my conscious yelling at me to throw them away, I continued to be influenced by my curiosity and opened the latest message:

         Hey, lover boy,
What’s wrong? I thought you liked me. I thought we had something special going on between us. You know it’s rude not to open a gift, especially when it comes from someone you love. There isn’t anyone else, is there? You do love me, don’t you? Why else do you smile every time you see my lips on these pages? I’ve had my eyes on you for quite some time, and I’m not going to let you go that easily. You look so cute when you think nobody else is watching… But there is someone… Me. I can’t wait to see you up close and personal.
Love always,
Your secret admirer

         The only thought on my mind was getting the hell out of my house. I bolted out the door and went down the street to my friend's house. At first, I couldn’t even tell him what was going on, but he didn’t care. He sat on his couch and watched as I paced across his living room floor, my footsteps nearly matching my pulsating heart. Once I managed to calm my nerves, I explained everything to him and he let me spend the night there. This can’t be happening. When I wake up, this will all just be a bad dream. This certainly wasn’t the case because the next day, when we went back to my place to pick some stuff up, the scene awaiting us was something nothing could prepare us for. My living room was totalled, the tires on my car were slashed and above all else, there was a chrysanthemum scented letter sitting on my bed sealed with a black lipstick-stained kiss:

         My love,
Why did you leave me? Weren’t you happy? I thought you liked the attention. You did like the attention, didn’t you? I know you did. You look forward to my letters every week, and that is a fact, my love. I’d wait for you to come home, but you’ve made me mad. Maybe this will teach you a lesson. I’m sorry it had to resort to this, but you left me no choice. I needed to show you I was serious about our life together. If you know what’s good for you, you won’t do anything to make me mad again.
Love always,
Your secret admirer

         Finally, listening to my better judgment, my friend and I called the police. We waited on my front porch together for the cops to arrive, then my parents - who were not too pleased to see the destruction done to our family home. After the cops had finished their initial investigation, I received another letter the following Friday.

         To my love,
I’m starting to think I’ve been going a little overboard with showing my love. I’ll give you some space. I still love you, and I await the day you see me the way I see you.
Love always,
Your secret admirer

         I started hating the smell of chrysanthemums and Friday had become a day of dread. Even after what happened to my house and my car, the cops couldn’t do anything. There wasn’t enough evidence to pinpoint a suspect and there wasn’t anyone in my life I could think of who would be capable of doing this. Years went by and I was still receiving letters every Friday. I thought it would die down when I went away for college, but she followed me. I moved multiple times, yet she would keep finding my new address. I couldn’t keep a girlfriend without her thinking I was cheating on her. The moment I would get close to another girl, she would leave me after receiving her own set of letters, apparently proving I’m already in a committed relationship.

         Eventually, I decided that isolation was the only answer I had left. I picked up my whole life and moved to a small home in the countryside of Iowa. The closest neighbors I had, the Andrews’, were miles away and they were the sweetest people I’ve ever met. They’ve come over and helped me maintain my land since it was completely new to me. The only other time I see other people is when I go into town to get food I couldn’t grow. I changed my name and cut off contact with all my family and friends from back home. It was difficult, but it had to be done. I’ve lived in this home for nearly 8 years now, and I haven’t gotten a single letter. My life was going great and I’ve been the happiest I’ve ever been since high school. Seeing as it’s nearly been a decade since my last letter, I decided maybe I should try getting back into the dating scene. The loneliness wasn’t something I was particularly fond of.

         Since I didn’t have much experience in that arena, I thought online dating would be the best way to go about it. It wasn’t long until I found someone. She was perfect; she was beautiful, had the same interests in me, and she even grew up in the same town as me. I don’t know how I never noticed her. We chatted online for a few months before we decided to meet up. She told me she was going to be in my city for a bit on business, so we scheduled our first date.

         The day for our date approached and each hour, I could feel the butterflies building up in my stomach. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this way. I’d finally be meeting her tonight. My life was finally gaining the sense of normalcy I hopelessly missed. I was nearly done getting ready when I heard a light tapping on my door. “Hey, Mr. Andrews, is that you? I told you I was going to return that hammer the next time I-” My thoughts were interrupted as I looked through the sidelights and saw a woman standing on my doorstep. It was her… The woman I’ve been talking to online. How did she get my address? I could see her staring back at me with a sickening grin on her face. The first thing I noticed about her was her lips: painted black as night. No… No, it couldn’t be… I tried my best to find a logical reason for this woman at my front door. I guess after all these years, I still never learned how to trust my gut because I did it - I opened that damn door. I stood there in shock, not knowing what to do in this horrific situation. After a few moments of silence, she finally spoke up as her smile got impossibly wider.

         “Hello, my love. It’s Friday! You know what that means,” she sang with a high-pitched giggle as she handed me another beige envelope sealed with her signature black kiss. The last thing I remember was breathing in that nauseatingly putrid odor of chrysanthemums.