Calaboose

CALABOOSE
*excerpt (working on a new novella)



CHAPTER 1

Hock Bridewell was an Ill man, his cellmate Jug Illman however was pretty even keeled and unabashedly polite.

As Bridewell shaved his back, the sounds of the old man struggling underneath Jug began to get on his nerves.

Bridewell could shave his own back because he had cool ass long arms, like he could scratch his ankles while standing straight up and shit. It was awesome.

For a shaving instrument he preferred to use a baleen whale tooth he stole when he was aught 13 years old (adjusting for inflation of course). He stole it from a plug ugly pirates French maid, the cool of her last breath as he leapt upon her back over and over gave a nearby kitten a shiver.

Kittens are baby cats who come out of the cat's cloaca after they dig a deep hole on a safe enough beach and shed their last skin.

Bridewell liked kittens but he did not like cats. When cats get too old their fur tastes too much like shit.

"I'll have that cigarette I owe you in a few years Bridewell me pal, I've finally secured myself a spot on the kitchen staff. Tis a working man now I am!" Jug said with a greasy grin. He quivered for a spell before grabbing his yummy belly.

"You alright there...?" Bridewell stared at his cellmate with great and deep concern in his autumn hued eyes. He had never seen the man so much as sneeze or cough or eat or sleep or drink or talk or breathe or blink or have a shadow or -

The sound of a man screaming in the distance was soon followed by the familiar roar of a drunk Minotaur. It sounded sexy.

Wayward but dapperly dressed Minotaurs were known to leave their salty hovels from time to time and enter Pleasureville prison from time to time through a door in the back that no one ever remembered to lock.

They would get drunk off 10 day old pig wine and become well randy and quite talkative.

Even rarer though it was still like everyday they would grab a man by his arms and legs and head and groin and pull the opposite direction. Merriment was had by all.

Another cool game the Minotaurs and prisoners liked to play was they would see how fast they could debone. The rules were kinda vague but basically the bones had to be removed one by one, and the wishbone was to be avoided. You didn't have to start with the feet but prisoners sometimes have more bones in their feet than other people. Last count it was like 650 (as reported by famed bone counter and astrophysicist Neil Degrasse Iron Mike Tyson chickens and peer reviewed.

Bridewell retrieved his trusty abacus from deep in the toilet and began to calculate the size of the Minotaur by the scale of its bellow.

As Jug violently shook on the cell floor, frothy blood squirting out of his ears in short bursts and pooling around the feet of a passing turtle, Bridewell secured Gjölly to his back.

"Stay here Jug my friend. I'll return soon, I have business with this particular Minotaur." Bridewell said with a wry upturn of his uppermost lip.

With a pep in his ass and step he sauntered out of the cell.

CHAPTER 2

GJÖLLY was the solid stone sledgehammer that belonged to Bridewell. It was a magnificent weapon and tool. Made from the rock that some giant wolf was pooping next to, Bridewell noticed its strange dexterity and smell.

The big ugly dog or wolf or whatever was tied to it by a very lazy owner.

Bridewell took the stone and the chain and used them to forge his mighty weapon. He has yet to find anything that it cannot smash like a boss, ya heard me shorty?

"Leslie, you cheap bastard! Time to pay the piper." Bridewell said as he stood on the gray cracked wall, directly above the shocked Minotaur (or Leslie as he was known to his chums and trivia night contemporaries).

Leslie set both duffle bags full of ear bones down and was obviously annoyed at having been startled.

"My word Bridewell, have you no manners. I swear you're going to give me a stroke one of these days. Sneaking about as you do." Leslie droned.

Bridewell hopped down from the wall and circled around Leslie with a smile.

Leslie was becoming perturbed. He said, "... Is everything kosher Hock? You seem a little tense. You say you're working for Piper now.. the thing between her and I is personal. If she has anything she needs to say to me, she can pick up the phone or drop a telegram like a normal goddamn per-"

The sound of Leslie's collar bone snapping in five places as Bridewell leapt into the air and with great gusto and glee brought Gjölly down onto his person, was kinda cool.