Bars

I want the nightmares to stop.
I want the anxiety to melt away.
I want the stars to grant me an eternity away from the pain and confusion that plagues me every day.

I want to never question my reality and I never want to hear his voice in my head again.
I don’t want to miss a girl I never had.
I want to be the person it seems people,
think I am.

All I see is the beast that rages inside - Throwing itself hard against the bars of my rationality while taunting me.

You are not good enough!
You are not trying hard enough!.
You can’t trust yourself,
and you can’t trust anyone else either.
Try HARDER!

I can’t bear it.

My soul battered against the those words.
The agony settles in my chest, a molten weight.
I choke on my own words again and again.
Silent tears are all I have to offer

And yet I am still trying desperately to turn the bars of rationality into a wall that will shut out the screams of the beast telling me I deserve this all. I hold my hands over my ears knowing it's all in my head but what can I do?

The clock ticks away, deafening me.
Reminding me that time passes still
While I am stuck walking these involuntary memories.
My present slips away, costing me more of my future.

Tick tock.
You aren’t good enough.
Tick tock
You asked for this.
TICK TOCK.
Why aren't you over it?
TICK TOCK.
Another violent graphically bloody nightmare.
TICK TOCK.
TICK TOCK.

So I sit beyond the bars and I pray my rationality holds.
Desperate and hurting
I can hear his voice.
I miss her with all that I am.
I’m losing track of reality
Please someone silence this clock ticking in my ear.

The bars warp, they bend, they snap.
My sense of reality disintegrates
The beast lies through my teeth and swears I am okay.

I beg and scream
“Please, we worked hard to be who we are now.
Please stop”

“I am who we are. I am who we have always been.”
The beast yells back, while rage burns away the anxiety in my chest.

“No it's not. No it's not! NO… IT… IS… NOT!”

I swallow down the tablet the doctor gave me.
I pray it will silence the beast long enough for me to build new bars
I sit in my empty tub shaking,
praying to gods who have forsaken me.

“I’ll be okay”
I lie through my teeth
I’ll be okay, once I figure out if I am even awake today.