Becoming Numb

When did the energy finally dissipate? Where did my energy go? Did I use it on someone that would take more than they needed? Was I wasteful with what little energy I had been holding onto? No it can't be that, I have held it close to my chest in fear of the reality I now face. I don't know what to do, can I regain the energy, or will I slowly shut down as I fail to function any more. My grades will slip, my friends will drift for there is no use being friends with a walking corpse. My energy, the one that held me together in place of the light that once shun in my eyes, will never come back. I have become so blatantly numb that somedays I don't feel I'm alive at all. I don't have the motivation to change, to become something that at the bare minimum mirrors a human.

Maybe it is my fault. It was my fault that I got hurt when I was a child. It is my fault that I am so weird and broken that I can't connect with anyone. It is my fault that I rely so heavily on my three people that without them my head is cracking and my heart is bleeding. I know its my fault that I can't let myself rest, that I am wound so tight that I cannot possibly stop, that I can never rest and just breath. It is my fault that I have forgotten how to breath.

I used to think that my energy could restore itself. I think I used to believe that since it can replace itself that it can be a replacement for the light that I should have. A light that I smothered in rage and heartbreak because I knew if I didn't than it would hurt even more later in life. I have been cutting and killing parts of myself since before I could do long division because I knew even then that there would not be enough of me to split and if that were the case I would be the one who decided what must go. All of it went in the end. The faith, the gentleness, the mercy, the forgiveness, the grace, the kindness, the sympathy. The child. I killed the child that I once was before they every got the chance to be a child. I cut them out and pushed them away, turning my back on them and running before they could see where I went. They are still wondering around, I can feel when they wonder close enough to see me, but they run away. Children do what they see others do.

My numbness is not new, but gods I wish it was. I wish I could be surprised or angry or afraid. But those thoughts have been snuffed out years ago. This creeping weight that has been multiplying with each breath has been a long time coming. A world once full of colour, full of laughter and flooded with music has become an overwhelming, crushing and silent black. My mind is quiet and I think that is what should scares me most. I would feel scared if a blanket of numbness hadn't fallen on me, encompassing me and swallowing me whole.

I went numb a long time ago, but it has now spread through my entire body. It has finally taken over my nerves, my heart, my skin, my lungs and my brain. The final signal from a bleeding hope has been cut off and now I can't feel anything. I finally can just be. But I can't, because the numbness is a noise of it's own, and I can finally hear it. And it is soft, gentle, and oh so comforting. My thoughts are melding, my body is sagging, and I give up. Numbness becomes nothingness and I am here, wondering in an empty space without reality of where I am. It is nice. It is rest.