And now I wonder

Things I never got to say and now I wonder.

And still, I continue to think about you, not only when I'm awake, but also when my consciousness takes over and let my imagination run wild. I spend hours asleep in dreams where you appear and still in each, my heart gets broken because even awake or asleep my mind knows the hurtful truth. The truth is that we don't have contact even though after an unspeakable amount of time I still tell my friends that I miss you, and I can't stop to wonder when I will stop to miss you. Even with no contact at all I miss you, I wonder how that can be, how can I still be attached to a person I haven't seen in months?


As mentioned above my dreams haunt me for still lingering after you, by creating a scenario where I can't have you, because you have someone and I have well... not you, even in my dreams you manage to fully break my heart. Then I wake up and wonder what if he dreamt of me as well, due to many tellings of such beliefs. I guess that's a thing I will be able to dwell over for a long, long time just like so many others.


There are still reminders of you everywhere I look, mostly because we like the same things. I felt so weirdly connected to you, like I could talk to you about whatever and you would know what to say - with a satisfying answer, you would even know when to joke about things that I normally wouldn't find funny but because you knew the line without haven't spent all of that much time with me, I had peace with it and could go along.


I remember looking into your eyes and holding eye contact and I could see the corner of your mouth twist into a smile, I don't ever think I have experienced such a feeling by looking into one's eyes. I have a hard time visualizing things but one thing I can tell you is that have burnt itself into my mind. How I loved it when you did that, it has never felt nicer looking into someone's eyes and having them tell me so much without words. It's not that I don't remember anything you said, there are some specific sentences burned into my mind as well. I very specifically remember when we were laying in your bed in the darkness after a night out and you asked me a question concerning the pictures on your wall, I had guessed the correct answer to that question - it really was a lucky guess, I kept telling you that I didn't know but you kept pushing and at last I answered... correctly, the look of fascination you gave me is something that I just can't get out of my head and your following questions of how I possibly could have known that whereas to that I just smiled, just like you did...
I don't know why I miss you as much as I do, I have no big reason to. You were hard to communicate with at times and sometimes a bit mean but in a way that made me want to prove something to you... to even beat you at the things you were making comments about. I could get mad at you, but I could never stay that way. The problem was you could be both ways, either sweet or mean but you would never know when he was being mean, how seriously you had to take it, or what you meant by so many things you said. You're one big puzzle and I quite a lot of times think that you try to give out as little pieces as you can to make sure nobody ever truly finds you out, or in general what you think. After further thinking you could have said the meaner stuff to push me - I know that's probably just me being completely delusional but here we are writing pages about you even though we have gone months without contact and I still can't let you go.


But as if missing you with a passion wasn't enough, I compare you to so many people or more specifically guys. Not that it's holding me back, but it is most certainly always a thought in the back of my head or sometimes it is after. Sometimes I even tell my friends that I would trade any guy out for you. Sometimes walking home from another guy my one thought is I would switch him out for you any time or if it just had been you.


So many things just felt so natural with you, you weren't hard to talk with, you weren't awkward to be with, we just kind of fit, or that's what I at least think I can speak on your behalf when it comes to a topic like this.


It's almost a daily discussion of whether to or whether not to text you, to get the ending even if that has to be a rejection I feel like that would do more than wondering does for me right now which right now is not that much barely anything. The thing is as far as I know nothing happened to make us stop talking, it would have had to be a decision on your own or at least with a thought behind it. Let me be honest with you, I know our "relationship" wasn't uncomplicated but rather the opposite.


A year later


Here we are again... a whole damn year after I wrote the first part about you. One might think that after all this time I surely must have let you go, oh well how wrong that is. The thought of you has decreased but is not yet gone. I still wonder if I should contact you, but I always end up not doing it. Mostly I think it's because I'm afraid. I'd much rather have the memories of what we had than have them torn apart, sometimes that's just how it has to be. I have come to the conclusion that it is the lack of closure that keeps the lingering alive, the fact that I can't know how it would have ended if just I had tried a little more to keep us in contact but that is a thought that can't go nowhere or help.


A year is a long time, just in general but to still have a lingering for you is just so absurd to me, to still miss you, I don't understand how I still miss you after so much time. I want to let go, I want to not have you in the back of my mind, to not have the thought of "if he comes back" but I can't seem to shake it.


It's not that I haven't moved on, I found someone, but I'm terrified to commit because of the "what if" thoughts as mentioned above. The last thing I want is to hurt anybody and by keeping myself in the distance for a hope that will never be fulfilled is just keeping myself in pain. I want to be able to love someone else without you being a factor, I just want you to disappear from my mind, for the attachment to go away, but I do not wish for the memories to vanish.