Abby Lane

I strongly suggest you read the google doc as it contains several text features that greatly impact the storys quality https://docs.google.com/document/d/e/2PACX-1vSpX5CjhPdgMor1ynTUA85Y9OccSWkhd91WO...

Abby Lane
Written by E.B

8/18/66
Hello! This is my journal for the future to kno who i was
But to understand you have to kno what i kno
So here's some stuff about the people i talk to


Abby is my best friend in the whole world (and a girl) Amelia is one of my cousins,we aren't exactly close but we get along
William is amelia's older brother and we usually ride bikes when we see each other
Nathan is my other cousin and one of the worst people on the planet!
Johnathan is m̶y̶ b̶e̶s̶t̶ f̶r̶i̶e̶n̶d̶!̶ (i hate that bastard now)
Lily is T̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶r̶e̶t̶t̶i̶e̶s̶t̶ ̶g̶i̶r̶l̶ ̶o̶n̶ ̶t̶h̶e̶ ̶p̶l̶a̶n̶e̶t̶!̶ b̶i̶t̶c̶h̶ ̶a̶s̶s̶ ̶p̶r̶o̶s̶t̶i̶t̶u̶t̶e̶ ̶b̶u̶l̶l̶y̶!̶ not so bad
8/19/66
I distinctly remember the day I met Abby.
At the time we were in 3rd grade,me and my friends were playing four square during recess when I noticed her.
sitting alone in the grass,face in her hands I just got a glimpse before the bell rang,alerting us that it was time to return to class.
As the day proceeded the girl faded from my mind,replaced with thoughts of four squares after school.
When finally the bell rang I gathered my things and went to find my friends.Suddenly I was interrupted by the faint sound of a girl crying.
I searched around before determining the sound had been from the girls bathroom.
I never checked to see if the girl was alright,and that haunts me to this day.
But I was scared,I could have been called a freak,a perv,a weirdo,I could scare her,ect these of course aren't the reasons I chose not to help.
I was scared because crying is for babies,and if I got caught with a baby,my social life would cease.

Yeah,I was a real pussy back then
but not entirely,I left a letter outside her stall
which said something to the affect of

======================================
Dear Girl

Hi! its me MAX
i herd you crieng and thought id chek n
let me no if u need anything
im hap e to talk abot it
====================================

I wrote this for myself,not for her
I needed to not feel guilty for abandoning someone.
Deep down I hoped she wouldn't take me up on my offer,but alas she did.
She caught me while doing late work at recess the next day
She introduced herself as Abigail-Lee-Spice,Abby for short.
She told me she had read my letter and wanted to talk about it.
I thought she was going to defend herself "I was sneezing" "I wasn't crying" "it was a prank" or something to that effect.
Rather,she told me her entire life story.Her parents were both alcoholics who smoked on the weekends,this was the life she was accustomed to.
Apparently the reason she was crying was because a couple days before,her parents were in a real tough fight,she heard a thud followed by silence.
Hours went by before she and her siblings (Riley,Danny,and Emily) left their room.
her father had been knocked uncosiocious with a chair leg and left on the floor in a small pile of blood.
her mother had packed all her things,left a note on the table,and disappeared.
Abby never mentioned to me what that note said,so I assume it was pretty bad but that's irrelevant.
Danny called the police who took their dad away for the night leaving the kids alone.
The next day (the day before I heard her crying) her father returned home and the doctor explained he would need some recovery time but overall he was okay
This WOULD have been a good thing,had their father not been extremily prone to...fits? moments of irregular behavior.

I sat patiently and listened to her story (it was slightly better than my math work)
and when she was finished she abruptly began to cry again.
This time however,I was more empathetic than off put
and that's what jump started our friendship

8/22/66
I almost forgot I had started a diary but I saw it on my shelf and remembered.

9/1/66
I forgot I had started a diary,how about I actually write in it this time?
My name is Gabriel Maxiumus Clark,but I go by max I am in the 6th grade my best friend in school is Johnathan Willings,however my TRUE best friend is a girl named Abigail (abby) Spice I love drawing,sports,and reading.I hate math,basketball,and people who talk a lot.Abby loves math and she talks a lot (she also loves basketball but our coach would never let a girl play so that's irelevant)
Anyway I think Lily wilson has a crush on John,because she keeps staring at him during lunch.I love Lily wilson,because she is pretty, but pa says girls who wear skirts above the knee are whores. :[
Back on topic though,my entire life story sumurised (I hate that word) in a diary entry
so ,in simple terms,everything is,well decent,not as bad as Abby’s but way worse than Lily and slightly worse than Johns.Almost everyone on my moms side of the family (including my mom) died in a house fire caused by a stove being left on during a party.My uncle on my dads side (jack) my dad,and the rest of my cousins survived (william,amelia,and nathan),I wish nathan had died,he always spanks me for being bad when I see him,but i'm glad everyone else survived,because they're pretty cool William and me always mis-behave,and amelia is very kind.Thats my entire life I guess hopefully I don't quit this time.


9/2/66
Today was the first day of the week,yuck!
Let's go through my day I guess


-in my first (and second) period we had E.L.A we read some stupid book about some stupid book about some stupid wolf in some stupid weather owned by stupid people doing stupid things
I'm in for a long day


-3rd period was Music (I play the flute)


-4th period was gym.I love gym! Lily wilson is in my gym class,today after getting changed we played softball the girls all chose not to play but watched instead (except for Kelly Queens,we think shes a queer).My team lost by 6 points and Lily laughed at us


-5th period was lunch,we all returned to the building I threw away my apple but devoured my mashed potatoes and sandwich


-6th and 7th period I got in trouble for talking back to my math teacher,he smacked my knuckles and made me write “im sorry” 100 times in my book after school


-8th period was Health,it was fine


-We ended the day in science and to be honest I wasn't paying attention.Abby and I passed notes for half of class,and I stared at Lily for the other half.


im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry im sorry




3/9/66
I'll mark my calendar for Friday of every week this year so I remember to write a diary entry every friday!


3/7/66
It's friday!
This week I did lots of things
So i'll split it up


Lily,abby,home,John,school,other


Lily
Lily and John are dating now :(
Pa was right,Girls who wear short skirts our whores
Actually,what's a whore?


John
I hate him now so he's not invited to my birthday next week


Abby
Me and Abby did a bunch this week,we hung out at the park,rode bikes,talked to the local elderly,stole a loaf of bread from an elderly woman,broke into a abandoned library,explored the woods by west street
Got in an argument about whether the mailman or the milkman would win in a fight,I got punched by a girl,I lost a tooth,I punched a girl,I apologized for punching a girl,she hit me again,I cried,she apologized
So that was a fun week,
I wish my dad would let her stay the night,but he wont even let her in the house
It's not fair :(


Home
Pa got a new job as a mailman
Abby’s dad got a job as milkman


School
Overall a bad week


Wensday-My math teacher (mr.grimes) gave me a bunch of hard problems (You can see them on the next page)
Thursday-I got bored in ela class and caught a book on fire,luckily only Abby noticed and she laughed
Friday-am I in love with abby? We accidentally kissed in the hallway,I have all weekend to think.


Other/Notes
Whore means prostitoot
What does prostitoot mean?


1. Add 8.64 + 7.098 + 10.9901


A. 15.5281 B. 16.84701 C. 26.7281 D. 27.611 2.


The change, in yards, in a football team’s position on the field for each of their last four plays is shown below. – 4, 7, –7, 0 Which list correctly compares the changes, in yards, in the football team’s position on the field?


A. –7<–4<0<7 B. –4 < –7 < 0 < 7 C. 0 < –7 < –4 < 7 D. 0 < –4 < –7 < 7


I hate math to much to show my work grimes




9/9/66
Okay weekend updates our a thing now also
Me and Abby met after school saturday and talked about our accidental kiss
And decided that since we just bumped into each other that it didn't count,that makes sense to me
But I'm still scared I'm in love,I'm not sure why because I don't feel how I do around Lily. That's because Lilys a whore and Abby's my best friend.
---------------
I'm not in love with abby
I'm just,confused i've never kissed anyone before
But i'll ask her monday just in case


9/10/66
Last update till friday I promise.Me and Abby met up after school and I shared my concern.Luckily! She reciprocated the confusion.She suggested we kiss again to find out.I thought that was weird,but it wasn't going to make things worse so I said yes,and felt absolutely NOTHING! Hopefully she feels the same way.


9/13/66~friday
We had the rest of the week off due to water malfunction.


Wensday-me and Abby re-explored the woods to look for her necklace


Thursday-me and Abby got revenge on John by sneaking into his house and making his room messy,it got reported as a robbery


Friday-Me and Abby got revenge on Lily by knocking on her door then leaving 26 times throughout the day




10/6/66
I lost my journal for a bit! Sorry i'll start again tomorrow


10/7/66
Okay nothing really happened this week


12/21/66
I just dug up this book from my old boxes and figured id update everything,then starting journaling again
So,lets recap
It's the first day of winter break,my cousin Nathan recently had to move in because his girlfriend kicked him out (he says because she's a whore,which means prostitoot,which are girls who wear short skirts I think)
In the past couple months Danny died (overdose) so me and Abby didn't talk for a bit.
But today she felt better and we tried to hangout with John and Lily.
But they were SUPER gross and kept kissing (YUCK!) so I told Lily John had mono and she got scared.
John retaliated by making fun of how I was friends with a girl when I could date her like the whore she is.That made me really angry because it was a lie! In my entire time knowing Abby she's only worn a skirt to church,funerals,and weddings
I told John he was being a bitch and he said “yeah will your girlfriend is a retard AND your a retard”
Abby got up to leave,but I made a bad choice.I pushed John into the dirt (I mean come on he called me and Abby retards,said I was dating her,stole Lily from me,called Abby a whore,and he looks weird).He stood up and looked real pissed,then he punched me.I tackled him to the ground ramming one fist into his face after the other over and over as he screamed.Until finally I regained my senses.I was sitting in an ally beating up my friend while his girlfriend and my best friend watched in terror,begging me to stop and screaming for help.John was right,i'm nothing but a dumb ass retard baby whose friends with girls.
I feel awful.Lily called me a monster,John called me a freak.Even Abby said I took it too far,but she's probably right in that regard.Im probably going to jail or something for that


12/21/66 (night)
The police showed up outside to talk to pa
I'm done for.


12/21/66 (deep in the night)
Luckily I got off with a warning
But I'm not completely off the hook.
Pa beat the hell out of me
Then yelled at me… a lot
Then he left
And I cried and cried and cried
The papers are still wet :(


12/22/66
Everything is aching
Last night I did something dumb.
I was pissed off and tried to run away.
But I fell off the roof and got tied up in a pile of scrap metal which folded in on me
It feels as if I broke everything in body or something like that
I'm in the hospital now


12/26/66
I feel awfull!
I'm having Abby rite this four me bye the way
Twodey I drank some juice
Im cleared to go home tomorow nite


Im Abby im riting this to recap MY dey
Max reked his intire body
that wuz funy
Thats all


12/28/66
I lost the pen i've been using
So il have to use this hospital pen
Im feeling better
But my right arm and leg are broken,i have a concussion,i have a broken left wrist,i have a black eye and bruises all over,and the worst part apparently is i've broken 3 ribs,but I think the worst part is being unable to play four square
I'm in a lot of pain writing this so my next update won't be till im healed






6/9/67
Holy heck it's been a while since I wrote in this
I've healed for the most part but I have severe brain damage
Which has caused me to have repetitive headaches and develop a disorder called schizophrenia Honestly I have no clue what that means.
In the past months a lot has changed
Me and Abby got really close,Im considering asking her out for the town dance next week
But i'd hate to interfere with our friendship
Dad went missing last week
After getting told off by one of my doctors (Kila Hemms) he disappeared and hasn't returned so i've been staying with John
But he really pisses me off
At least he and Lily finally broke up
It took forever
But she finally realized what a punk he was and dumped his sorry ass
I'm leaving Johns tonight before he realizes
I'd rather be on the streets
Abby's dad lost his job




6/10/67
I talked to Abby and she agreed to be my girlfriend,on one condition
We weren't gonna do any
…
Weird stuff
Which I guess it okay because we just started talking
But one day i'd like to have
Sorry about the eraser marks
I changed my mind about writing something
I can't have anyone hitting me because of my thoughts
Anyway I left Johns last night like I said I would
I ended up sleeping in a shed behind the school
The town dance is tomorrow and I'm so anxious!


6/11/67
Boy do I have some explaining to do
I got rid of that son of a bitch for one
But i'm not in any legal trouble
He struck first,mad about nothing
I knocked him silly
He ran off into the night and nobodys seen him since
Before that though,the dance went fine me and Abby had a great time and ingested an exorbitant amount of alcohol in the woods while everyone danced
Then after the incident a bunch of adults came out and John ran off into the woods
Nobodys seen him yet hopefully he stays lost
During all of that Abby was out cold
So after everyone started looking for John I dragged her out into the woods
I sat and waited with her the whole night
Watching in hopes that she wouldn't die or something
If it were Lily or anyone else I would have sent her home
But in the recent months Abby's father has became much more distant,danny hasn't been in the house for more than a couple hours at a time,riley is constantly out with boys and
emily…nevermind about emily
I'll get into that another time.
Me and abby also decided we’re not exactly ready for a relationship yet


6/12/67
Tomorrow there having a funeral for pa
Nobody actually knows if he's dead but we still
Cant find him
I've began to notice things lately,shadows warping in the corner of my eyes light fading in and out
I'm pretty sure I need to visit a eye doctor
My mind also feels a lot more cluttered recently
Not like brain fog
More like something is in my skull eating my thoughts
It's becoming more of a concern because
Shit
I forgot
Anyway last entry I didn't finish the story so i'll do that now
Some time in the depths of night Abby woke up
And threw up all over the grass
We talked for a couple minutes about the night before
And once she was caught up we talked about everything else for a couple hours before she decided to go home
Then John showed up
And he had a gun,an actual real gun aimed at her
He had no idea I was nearbye so while he cried and told her not to move I armed myself with a rock and crept closer
He began yelling dirty commands and words at her
I tossed the rock as hard as I could


I missed but got lucky and knocked the gun out of his
hand anyway,we ran all the way back to town without stopping to breathe once


Next week i'm starting handwriting training so it wont look like these were wrote by a blind child with no arms
I'm going through a lot right now
Mostly because Kila made me start therapy
Also she gave me a specil pill for my scit-so-friend-e-uh
But they make me feel sick
By the way i'm finally on summer break so that's great


Emily got arrested
Which i'm still not going to talk about
…
Or maybe I will?
Kila says if I can't be honest with myself I can never recover
Il go flip a coin


-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
HEADS I TAILS
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Write about it I don't write about it
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------


I got tails!
I aint telling you (me) shit!


[26 year old max again,I wrote this next part 2 and a half hours of thinking later]


I changed my mind,i'll talk about emily
The reasan she's so problematic is because she
Has shit-zo-friend-E-uh too she sits in her room all day
And whenever she comes out she acts crazy
She's constantly confused
Everytime I talk to her she scares me


6/13/67
Today was pa’s funeral
I've really been thinking recently
About everything honestly
I quit with the whole Lily thing
She's a bastard anyway
Same with john
I never mentioned it in the previous entries but nathan did move back in with his girlfriend and now that pa is dead I have to move in with him as of later today
He's still a piece of shit


6/14/67
I wish I was dead
His girlfriends worse than him I keep waking up to her sitting in the dark corner
Watching
Nathan frequently hits her so at least she's punished


6/15/67
I lost my pills
I'm very frustrated.
Since my accident I have been struggling to remember things,i can't write as easily,and oddily i feel less empathetic


6/15/67 (night)
She's back
She doesn't know i'm writing this
I'm scared
There's something wrong
She's mutilated
She's not human




6/16/67
Me and nathan went out today for some court ordered bonding time but
A woman spoke to him
And I ended up waiting outside a hotel for an hour
Everyone who walked by stared at me
Something is wrong


6/17/67 (night)
I keep having awful nightmares
Terrible things
And day isn't better I see things that others don't
People try to harm me.


6/18/67
Last night I had the worst nightmare i've ever had in my life
I was outside of my old house
And my mom shot my dad,he was silent he didn't even flinch,then she turned the gun and killed herself
John appeared and attacked me and abby
I killed john and abby started to cry
She screamed as I tried to explain myself but she was enraged
She leap atop me and repeatedly began stabbing me in the chest screaming incomprehensible words
I woke up


6/19/67
Pa is not dead
The damn bastard ran off to florida
I'm going to court to see who if he wants custody next week
I highly doubt he does or he would have just,not faked his death
I also have an appointment with Kila in the afternoon and would really like to meet up with abby and see if we are on good terms
Also,I finally found my medication it was on my nightstand,which is weird because Im almost 100% sure I looked there I took it this morning and stopped seeing the monsters which makes me think
These pill are meant to stop me from seeing another world,which sounds dumb as fuck so…il update you tonight


6/20/67
Suprise suprise,Pa looked me in the eyes and told me he moved on
Abigail said I didn't do anything wrong but she looked lost,like she didnt know something.I wonder if something is going on.
Against my faulty judgment I told the therapist about the monsters and she told that's how schizophrenia works and that if I don't take my medications I may become paranoid and see and hear things that aren't really there,I know my first attempt at a date with abby went,poorly to say the least but i'm going to try again
Maybe we can go fishing or something,what do girls actually like to do?


6/20/67 (night)
The cinema,they like the cinema
I feel so awful,I wasn't good enough.
That's why pa left,that's why mom died,that's why everyone i've ever cared about hates me,I won't let that happen with abby,this time it will be different.


6/21/67
ELA,ela,music,gym,lunch,math,math,health,science
I cruised through ELA and was nervous for all of music then finally gym came,holy heck something flicked in me when I saw her today,I no longer wanted to ask her out because she was pretty (which she is)
I had a crush.
I decided to invite her to the theater as a friend at lunch instead.
She said yes and we planned to watch some corny dumb ass film she wanted to see
Then I was eager and antsy through math
I cracked a couple bad jokes in health,only abby laughed and finally I skipped science and walked home


6/22/67
Me and Abby's play date is later this afternoon and I'm quite excited!


6/22/67 (later)
I can not begin to write how I feel right now
Nathan caught wind of my “date” and lost his shit on me
He threw a whole fit and smacked the shit out of me
He told me not to be such a fratboy and sent me to my room


6/22/67
If that queer bitch thinks he can stop me,hes dumber than he looks its currently 7 and when im done writing this im leaving through the bathroom window and riding my bike there


(this part was written after the date)


Me and abby had a great time,but now i'm stuck outside,there's a note on the door some bullshit about “if your gonna leave late your not going to come back till morning” so I guess I need to find somewhere to sleep tonight


(this was written around 3 in the morning)

I've walked around the entire town except for one place,Lily's house, the bitchy rich girl who I used to think I liked.


(around 40 minutes late)


Lily let me sleep in her living room,i shouldn't have name called


(around 20 minutes later)


I am Worthless.


6/28/67
It's been a bit since i've written in here,i've completed my handwriting classes which has ensured I write like it's the 1540s and i'm writing a note about the war to my wife who died of dysentery 3 months prior to me leaving for war but i'm not aware because of the ineffectiveness of snail mail so my children starve and die.
I'm upset,not to be a little bitch but a lots going on
Nathans a dick
My dad doesnt want me
My moms 6 feet beneath the floorboards
My best friend of so many years is now my greatest enemy
Deep down I wish my new best friend was more
I feel guilty,I feel like if I had made better choices I would never have ended up here to begin with. Its during moments like this I miss kila
Anyway,I figure I should probably update you on what happened in the time I was gone.
Not much to be honest,i've since developed an awful addiction to pot
But it really helps to be honest
Every weekend me and abby go down to the bridge in the woods and talk till the sun comes up then I crash on Lily's couch
John got arrested and sent to juvie for a week for sending a kid to the ER
Lily is still a straight A student
I'm done with therapy
And my life can return to normal for the first time since the accident


6/28/67
I'm now aware that Nathan has been stealing medication from me for a while now. I tried to bring it up and he beat the shit out of me for accusing him and said I didn't deserve my medication so he hid them.


6/28/67 (night)
I can't sleep or it will consume me


6/29/67
Summers not been going great
I'm going to do something about it finally
I'm going to ask abby
To be my girlfriend again
Honestly,im pretty nervous
Last time we were in a relationship it was just because we were friends and I thought she was pretty
But now,i've grown to love abby
Not the way I love kila or the way I loved john
Or the way I love my cousins
It's different
It's like a mix,between how I liked lily and loved john
i feel a constant pull towards her
But i'm not stupid
I know that i'm young and dumb
And I know that if im not careful i'll hurt her,myself,and our futures
But I just can't stand to wait
I need to do something
I'm just
I'm just afraid


6/30/67 (night)
Okay.
No.
I won't ask yet.
Il ask friday
When we’re on the bridge together
When we talk of the things we like
I'll tell her then
That I love her
For the record today is tuesday


7/2/67 (thursday)
I'm really nervous,
I just don't want to ruin our friendship
Here's the thing though
My father might not have been the best man,but he taught me some very
Important things,one of which I like to reflect on
Before mom died
Before my accident
Before he left me
He told me,”son,the world is evil,and it's up to you to crawl your way to the top no matter what
Son,to be a man” that is not a quote but this next part is “son,to be a man you need to know three things,never forget them.
1-You must be bold
2-you must be cold
3-you must not fold”
Honestly i've lived by that since he told me
The most important one in this situation is to be bold
I need to be tough,strong,and confident or abby wont agree
I've lost my childhood confidence


7/2/67 (thursday night)
FUCK IM SO DAMN NERVOUS
Why does my handwriting have to make sweats look so damn
Elegant
Its annoying as fuc
It's annoying.
I really want abby to like me


7/3/67 (morning)(friday)
Today I rode my neighbor carters bike around the neighborhood (nathan sold mine to pay a prostitute)
I've just been thinking a lot
And i'd like to meet some new kids
I'm going to go back out when i'm done writing this


7/3/67
I might be in big trouble
I crashed carters bike
His family is bitchy enough to try to get nathan to pay for it
And nathan will beat me fucking senseless
I say might though,
A girl saw me crash (i think her name was tiffany)
And she said her brother knew how to fix bikes and he’d help


7/3/67 (later)
Its okay
We got it figured out
I also feel weird about that girl
Her name is tiffany by the way,tiff for short
I feel the way I felt for Lily
But I feel guilty
I'm going to have to cut her off
But her brother (jackson) might be the coolest guy i've ever met
They invited me to their parents barbeque this wednesday
I don't know if i'm going to go or not but it'd be fun I guess
I'm excited to see abby tonight


7/3/67 (night)
Im at the bridge waiting for abby
I'm nervous
I want to just give up
But I know I have to remember what pa said
Be Bold


7/3/67 (late night)
Holy fucking damn it
Me and abby sat by the bridge for 3 or so minutes before I decided to go up to a tree by the river with her to ask her to be my girlfriend
We smoked some weed I had hid there
But not enough to get high
“Abby…” I started
But I was to nervous
Here's where it gets bad though
She fell off the damn branch and into the river
I've been looking for probably an hour now and still can't find her
I'm so scared
If I find her I have to ask


7/4/67
I've been in the woods looking all night
Im sure Lily is a little bit worried that I didn't come by today
Im sure abby's family is worried about her to though
So I have to find her


7/4/67 (night)
Finally
It took so long
But I found abby
She's okay
I was so scared to be honest
But i'm so happy she's okay
About 160 feet from where the tree is there's an area of dirt surrounded by a small hill that she got stuck in
I missed it the first time because it was to dark
She had been knocked unconscious
When I found her she had recently woke up
She was completely soaked
And covered in dirt
But I did something then
That i've never done before
I kissed her
I kissed abby
Not accidently like last time,I kissed her with intent
I hugged her as tight as I could
I honestly wouldn't have let go for the rest of my life if she hadn't pushed me off


Teary eyed I asked her if she would be my girlfriend


No.
She said no.


7/5/67 (night)
Abbys in the hospital
She's fine but the doctors are worried
Because there doctors
And doctors are paid to worry
Abby said she didn't want to be my girlfriend
And I just don't know why.
Il have to ask
But it doesn't seem like now is an appropriate time.
It feels like my heart
Has been torn out of my chest
And squashed and smothered into pieces
I'm so angry
But I feel so sad


7/6/67
Abbys out of the hospital and back home
Shes fine
We silently walked around the block together
It was honestly one of the most awkward experiences of my life


7/6/67 (night)
I'm asking why she doesn't want to be my girlfriend tomorrow
First thing in the morning


7/7/67 (morning)
I knocked on abby's door as soon as I could
She wasn't awake
Il wait an hour or so


7/7/67 (still morning)
She's still not awake


7/7/67 (not even 20 minutes later)
Emily told me girls dont like desperation
Emilys a bitch


7/7/67 (40 minutes later)
Finally emily gave in and just woke up abby
She will be out soon


7/7/67 (like 4 minutes later)
I asked abby why she didn't like me
It stung as the words left my mouth
I cringed so hard at myself
But abby didn't
That's why I like her so much
Because she likes me
She told me that she said she didn't want to be my girlfriend because I asked at the wrong time
She said she would love to be my girlfriend
But I have to wait
Wait until what?
I'm not sure
But i'm going to have to figure it out
And for now I'll wait
Right now shes inside her house changing into play clothing
We’re going to go play 4 square
Just like old times


7/8/67
Today is the day of that barbeque
I'm not sure if i'm going to go or not
It might be a good time to ask abby


7/8/67 (later)
I'm going to go
I'm not going to bring abby
I think it's too soon to ask
That and I don't want to just sit around with the kid I already know
When my goal was to meet more kids


7/8/67 (night)
I tried to hang out with more than just jackson at the barbeque
But it was mostly adults and kids I didn't know
Then,I fucked up
I'm no longer talking to tiffany or jackson
And I won't ever again
I really don't want to even write what happened
So I wont
I'm just going to pretend it didn't happen


7/8/67 (Deep night)
Im sleeping on the street tonight
I can't explain why without writing about what I did
I can't forgive myself
She made me do it
But I really wanted to


7/8/67 (deeeeep night)
It started raining
I'm too ashamed to explain to lily why I need to stay at her house in the middle of the week
So i'm just stuck here
On a bench in the middle of nowhere
In the rain
Alone
Except for a stray cat that hid under the bench using it as a shield from the rain
Hes gray and matted,it looks like he might be blind in his left eye
Its cloudy and cut up
I'm not sure though
He looks cool
Like a soldier cat
Goodnight



7/8/67 (almost morning)
I caved
It's probably close to 5 am
When I got to lily's house she was just waking up and getting ready for school
At first I was unrecognizable
Cold,wet,dirty,and matted like the cat
But after a moment of awkwardly staring I broke down into tears and she invited me in
I told her I needed to sleep and that I wasn't going to school today
She told me I couldn't sleep on the couch because her parents would wake up soon But if I hid in her room and left as soon as I woke up I could get out scott free
She then went off to shower and do her makeup and whatever else girls do
Which i'm ashamed to admit I almost looked in on
She's just gone out the door and i'm going to sleep in her frilly pink bed
I'd better put her blanket in the wash before I leave


7/9/67 (afternoon)
As I already said,i'm not going to school today
I've already left lily's house
Nathan has probably received the call from the school saying i'm not there
Most people would worry if a 13 year old went missing
Not nathan
Hes going to lock the door
Nathan is a cruel man
But alas,tomorrow the door will be unlocked and I can go home
But until then I need to find somewhere to hide
I still haven't been able to take a shower since I slept outside last night
So i'm covered in debris


7/10/67 (night)
I tried to go home
Nathan said he’d call the cops on me if I didn't get off his property
Because “i'm not harboring a dropout,go back to school and then you can live under my roof”which honestly is rich shit because his “roof” is paid for by the damn government
I'm going to try to go to sleep in the tubes at my local park
It's since been abandoned by all people under the age of 10
It's now solely inhabited by ill willed teenagers and community workers


7/10/67(20 minutes later)
He i was thinking i'd have to sleep alone
Soldier cat came by and found me
Now were in the tunnel together


7/10/67 (late night)
My paper is getting wet and it's making it harder to write without tearing
Through
I'm hiding
Not from a homeless tyrant or something
From abigail
One,i'm embarrassed
But more importantly,she's hanging out with tiffany
There probably just going to smoke a blunt and leave
But if not
Well
I'm just going to stay quiet
They just crossed the fence
It's okay!
It looks like there just swinging
Tiffany just whispered something to her
THEY ARE LOOKING AT ME
Shit.




7/10/67 (almost morning,at Abby's house…)
Upon determining that there was in fact someone in the tunnel watching them they counted to 3 and ran
At least tiffany did
Abby looked at me
She cocked her head
She knew it was me
She called out
I crawled out
(hey that rhymes)
she said and i quote “what the fuck are you doing?”
And i started to cry
I feel so effeminate
She sat there patting my back
As i told her what had happened
How i hadn't been home in 2 days
How i had slept on a wet bench
How i took pity from lily of all people
How i had missed her
And then i told her
What i haven't told you
But i guess someone knows now
So there's no point in hiding it


I
Kissed


I have to
Be bold
I kissed tiffany
We were talking
We were getting along
Jackson said he had to go do something
In an instant she had me pinned
I told her to stop
But i didn't stop her
I just wanted a plan to fall back on when i told abby
It didn't work because i told her this part to
I told her how guilty i felt
How afraid i was that abby would never be my girlfriend
Or honestly be my friend at all
I let it all spill
And i cried and wallowed and threw a pity party
And she embraced me
That's why i love her
Because abby doesn't make me feel ashamed
Im now skipping school to sleep in her bed,looks like im not going home tonight


7/11/67 (afternoon!)
I woke up in abbys bed
It was soft and warm
I borrowed a pill from emily
And after 2 days in the rain
I got a warm shower
And she sent me out the door with a poptart
I like emily,she's not so bad
I'm going to have to talk to tiffany when she gets back from school
I have to make sure she knows im committed to dating abby one day


7/12/67
I didn't end up talking to tiffany,after waiting around all day for school to let out I was more excited to see abby
She brought me school work which i said id do (i didn't)
And we played basketball for a couple hours before she had to go to dinner
Then,emily invited me to stay for dinner
Over dinner I told emily about being kicked out and not able to get to school on time 2 days in a row and she offered to let me stay the night so i could get to school in the morning
A sleepover.
I literally had been waiting for this my entire life
Me and abby did the usual sleepover things
Eat pizza,watch a movie (with emilys supervision),ran around (we got yelled at) then we got our sleeping bags together and slept on the living room floor (except not really because nobody ever does) after emily went to bed we whispered to each other for a while,had a pillow fight (got yelled at again),
Whispered to each other again,and then finally we fell asleep
When we woke up we were able to get to school and i was able to get on the bus home
Nathan hit me,of course
Nathan yelled at me,of course
Nathan called me a queer fratboy,of course
I can't stand that bastard
I'm glad to be under my own roof again
goodnight.




7/14/67
I have to talk to tiffany today
I'm going in the afternoon


7/14/67 (after talking with tiffany)
I tried to talk to her
I don't think she understood
It happened again.
I'm just going to avoid her for the rest of my life


7/15/67 (morning)
I've been having terrible nightmares in which abby yells and hits at me for my sinful kiss with tiffany


7/15/67
I wanted to talk to tiffany but I became nervous and hid instead
Since I started having these dreams I have been too afraid to talk to abby
I'm so ashamed


7/15/67 (night)
FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK!!!!!!!!
I HAVE MADE A HUGE MISTAKE!!!
I just wanted to talk to Tiffany to clear things up with her!!
But she tried her shit on me again,she pushed me to the floor and attempted to kiss me
And then.
Something inside of me flipped.
Something in my brain clicked in a way it was never intended to
And I attacked her.
Like an animal,I rolled her beneath me and began clawing into her flesh
She yelped in pain as I scratched at her in anger
Then I began to quickly slam my fists into her chest one after the other
OVER AND OVER LIKE A MONSTER
BY THE TIME I HAD CAME ANYWHERE CLOSE TO MY SENSES AGAIN SHE HAD BEEN BEAT BRUISED AND BATTERED IN A WAY GOD HIMSELF MIGHT NOT FORGIVE ME FOR,HER FACE TORN TO PIECES AND BLEEDING HER BREATHiNG FAST AND ROUGH,THE WAY THE TEARS WELLED UP IN HER EYES AND SHE SCREAMED IN PAIN
EVERY TIME I HIT HER
And then,the worst part of it all.
I just stood up,and walked away.
I'm not sure what i'm going to do,she doesn't know where I live but its not like it's impossible for me to stumble upon her in public by mistake,and if nathan finds out about the battering
He will tie me up in the basement,blindfold me and beat me with a chain
Keeping me alive for days only to see the pure terror in my face from which he simply must derive pleasure.
This
Is
Why
Pa
Left
It was my fault all along
I shouldn't have been born!
THAT'S IT!
I SHOULD NOT BE ALIVE!
I SHOULD HAVE DIED IN THE DAMN HOUSE FIRE THAT TOOK MY LIFE AWAY
And now that i've cheated death,god is angry
And God will stop at nothing to ensure I die!
That's what it was all for
That's the point of all my suffering!
GOD WANTS ME TO KILL MYSELF!
It's the only logical explanation
Don't worry,I won't let the lord himself down.


Il write abby and lilly a letter,thanking them for there love and explaining my silly predicament
Then I will journey to the river
And go for a swim
And then,I simply won't return
Il go out,get lost,and drown
Only found days or even weeks after im dead
And nobody will care
It's a beautiful plan.


[again,older max,below you will find the suicide notes I wrote for abby and lilly]


Dear Girl
Funny huh,the last words you hear from me will also be the first.
The day I slipped that note under the stall was the day I finally lived.
It was the first time I ever had a chance at being worth anything,at being loved
I've since learned that's not how the cards were meant to fall for me,i know you may be saddened to hear this,but I am dead,
Irrefutably dead
A husk floating towards a beach somewhere
But it's important to me you remember not to be upset
When you miss me just imagine i have gone to sleep
You do not miss someone who is asleep,even if it's been hours and hours.
You wanna know why?
I'll tell you,because you know that no matter how long someone sleeps
They still love you,they won't forget you
And i promise,i won't forget you


I love you abby
And i always will
-gabriel


Dear Lilly
I know I know,you thought my days of passing heartfelt notes to you ended years ago.
But I have a lot I need to say to you
Lily,you are something.
You showed me warmth when I was cold
You showed me love when I was alone
You showed me home when I was on the streets.
Never let that part of you die lilly
And if you do,I'll always be with you.


Ps:if you see soldier cat,make sure to show him some love.


Goodbye
-max