Chin Li Comes Home

“Ah-oops-sorry-my-bad-excuse-me…yes, I know, it’s humongous…sorry…didn’t mean to…mother-of-!”

“He…hello?”

“Hold on a minute…can’t find the-”

“Si-sir? Hell-hello? Hey, careful now! You nearly knocked down the-”

“Ah-ha! Found it! Yes…sorry, yes, I’m right here. Trust me, it’s not the panda speaking. Just let me-”

“Sir? You can just put in on the floor. I really can’t see you, and I’m on tiptoes over here-”

“What was that? What did you say? Didn’t quite catch the last bit-”

“Put.the.panda.on.the.floor.sir.”

“It is on the bleedin’ floor! That’s how gigantic this thing is…oh? Will you really, buddy? Thanks so much for holding it for me. Ah, easy now…thank you. Ah! Finally, I get to see your face, Cashier Lady…or as your name tag says…Sarah. How are you, Sarah?”

“I’m okay, I guess-”

“Great. Because, guess what, Sarah? I’m not doing so great, and you want to know why?”

“Ah-”

“It’s because of that monstrosity of a toy that kind fellow’s holding up for me there. I mean you can’t even see him, can you? That’s just how huge it is. And guess who got this delivered to his doorstep on Christmas Day?”

“…you?”

“Bingo! Now pray do tell me, Sarah. What would a grown man like me want with such a toy…if you can call it that? Secondly, you should have heard the screech my wife let out when she opened the front door to get the morning paper. I thought she was getting murdered!”

“Hmm-”

“Can you imagine opening the front door to see this black and white thing gawking at you with eyes the size of headlights? To make it worse, when you bump hard into it, this happens.”

“Hello! My name is Chin Li, and I want to be your best friend. Let’s play!”

“Now tell me that’s not the creepiest greeting you’ve ever heard in your life, Sarah. Its mouth doesn’t even move! Just those disturbing black eyes blinking and then…see? See the way its massive hand is raised as if greeting you? Sorry, buddy. It almost took your head off there.”

“I see. It does have a certain…oddity to it-”

“Now who sent it, you might be asking yourself, because I sure as heck know it wasn’t from me. At first, I assumed it was one of my buddies at work playing a prank, but then again, I doubt any of those guys even know what a panda looks like. See, I don’t move in very…how do you put it…hey, watch it, pal! My friends aren’t morons! One of them even has that darn movie Kung-Fu Panda – all six or ten or whatever number of releases are out there - all right? See, Sarah? See how rude some of your customers are to me?”

“I apologize, but you are holding up the line-”

“The packaging is what gets me. It wasn’t even in a box, just wrapped in this clear cellophane and bubble wrap contraption my wife – after she settled down long enough from screaming her head off – had to open carefully. Made in China, we noticed, go figure.”

“Yes, so…why did you bring it here, sir?”

“Isn’t it obvious? I want to return it. I don’t need it. My wife certainly doesn’t, and I’m sure one of my neighbour’s kids took one look at it and started bawling just when I was trying to get it into the truck! It’s traumatizing the children for goodness sakes. Who the heck woke up one morning and decided to create this?”

“But it was addressed to you, sir?”

“I said that earlier, didn’t I? Even got a receipt here for it. Taadaa! Now, do us all a favour and give me the money instead, so I can get something definitely worth having for the holidays.”

“Hmm-”

“Hmm? Hmm, what?”

“Could you hold on a moment for me, Sir? I have to speak to my manager.”

“Pfft! Look at this, ladies and gentlemen. The ol’ speak-to-the-manager routine. Bet she’s gonna come back here and give me some story about not being able to give a refund. I swear if I don’t get my…ah, you’re back…and you must be the manager…Lyle, huh? So? Do I get my money back, Lyle?”

“I apologize, sir, but there seems to be a mistake.”

“What mistake? It clearly says on the package and receipt that your store sells this crap. You are the biggest toy chain slash store in the city, so what gives?”

“This receipt is five years old, sir.”

“…what? Gimme that! How the hell can it be…the hell?”

“Are you sure you just received this last Christmas?”

“Look at that thing! Does it look like something that’s five years old? You think I’m making this up?”

“Not at all, sir. We once sold these unique pandas. It was a limited edition. Quite popular actually-”

“I don’t care if the Queen of England – God rest her soul – loved it. I don’t want it. My wife claims she still has nightmares about it, and no way in hell is that thing staying in my garage. I almost shot it, on accident, one morning because I forgot it was sitting in the corner.”

“It does have a bit of wear and tear, though it’s difficult to see, but whoever sent it to you must have felt you might need it-”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but no, please. Hell, I’ll pay you to get it off my hands. Not you, you greedy bastards behind me. Now you’re all perking up at the sound of that, eh? Sheesh, you know what? Give it to some children’s orphanage or charity or something, Lyle. Maybe there’s a kid out there who can appreciate it better than I can? Or it could act as a security guard. Christ knows it’s ginormous enough.”

“Are you sure…?”

“Did I stutter?”

“Aren’t you even curious to know who might have sent it?”

“Nope. I’m just gonna pretend it didn’t happen, because trust me, knowing Santa like I do, he’ll probably send something even weirder next year.”













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Written For: "The Bard's Hall Contest" 
Word Count: 1000
Prompt: January is Dialogue ... Plus
Some descriptive narrative may be added waiting in line, but the "meat" of it must be in dialogue, while at the counter to return a giant, 8 foot panda received as a holiday gift ... and, trying to convince the cashier to take it back, please!