i want to disappear

          Oh. Where do I have to begin? I don't know what im thinking signing to this website thinking this can cure every corner of my mind. I get myself dragged by my desire to be love and to be seen. I always find myself hopeless while always giving people advise while im the one who should hear my own advise. Oh god please take my sadness away. Im so lost. I know that I always used to this but I don't think that feeling this over and over again can heal every pain that the scars made. And is that I grew up where people are older than me so I cant act how people my age can act. My family is not rich. My family almost considered as poor. The thing that made me sick of this family is that they are so stubborn. They only want to be heard not to hear. They never ever listen to me, even when I speak they call it as a disobedient child. Im so tired living like this. My parents are very old. My mama starts to forget things, by a lot I mean A LOT. She started to put things in the wrong place and even start to forget me.
          Im the last child. I always be the last. Everything always be the last for me. If I do something good they call it "learning" but if I do something wrong they call it "stupid". You see I get nothing except sadness this time.
          My love life? Its fucked. The man I like try to kill himself and sent the photo of him doing it. And the connection I have with him sorts of toxic where he acts like he pushes me away only to pull me back. And people keep mocking me every time I like him. I've been judge just because I like him, and that's sad. This life didn't let me give and feel love without me feel ashamed by it. I feel worse each time my expectation raising as I love him. that's also made me the problem of this kind of connection. I cant let go of people, specially when they're always spent their time with me.
          I've been driving by my desire of having more than just a touch with the man I like. It's like an outlet for what happened to me. I ran away from everything and it can stop me from running just for a while.
          Besides the desire to be loved by him. Something ironic happened. Im tired using English. Aku di bonceng oleh temannya menuju ke sekolah.
Im tired.