Just to be Candeed (Part 1 of 2)

         
         

JUST TO BE CANDEED by Mason Shafer

CHARACTERS:


Randy Q./Randi Q. Wojciechowski - A person of questionable sanity at Candeed Media who breaks the fourth wall often - his/her main job is in writing for Candeed and advertising, but he/she rarely does it


Ulysses George Michael Richard - Randy's manager - he tries desperately to make sure that he/she does not get too off task - he often fails


Bradley Joseph/Brandy Josephine "Brass" Horne - Top interviewer at Candeed - has a silly, high-pitched voice


Avery Childs - The new person who works in writing and advertising alongside Randy.


Jean/Jeanne Tyler - (pronounced "zh" with either spelling) - The CEO of Candeed Media - his mother is French, hence his French first name.


Niall/Niamh Fitzpatrick - "Niall" is pronounced "Neil" in this case, NOT "NYE-uhl" like the One Direction singer. - "Niamh" is pronounced "Neev". He/she is Jean Tyler's assistant.


Woodward and Bernstein - The oldest people working in Room 1A. It is believed that they have a language that only the two of them understand. They are not the real-life journalists, they just share names with them.


Patrick/Patricia "Pat" Kay - Famous actor known for his/her more absurd roles. He/she is trying to be in more movies, but is struggling to find work.


Camera Crew (2+) - Crew of people who record Brass's interviews.


Stanley "Unc" Stevens - Older representative on the board of directors at Candeed Media - He is going undercover as a person who is mean and hates Randy, but they're actually best friends. - He is not called Unc because he is anyone's uncle, but rather because that's just his nickname. - Taught Randy his ways.


Extra Employees (2+, ideally 4+, up to however many you can fit on a stage)


Rita Bertram - A higher-up at Candeed who makes presentations for lunch break and forces employees to watch them. She is enamored with Niall, despite being married.


Michael/Michelle Moustache - Room 1Z person.


Malloy/Molly Moustache - Room 1Z person.


Maurice/Marcia Moustache - Room 1Z person.


Melvin/Maddie Moustache - Room 1Z person.


Strikers (2+, ideally 4+, up to however many you can fit on a stage) - They may be played by the Extra Employees.


(Casting is gender-flexible. ULYSSES and UNC are the only characters required to be portrayed as male. RITA is the only character required to be portrayed as female. It is preferred that NIALL is portrayed as a male, but not necessary.)








          ACT 1, SCENE 1: Welcome to Candeed Media, Incorporated!


          (SETTING: An office, Room 1A, in the building Candeed Media, Inc. - think boring desks and desks - all office scenes should take place on STAGE LEFT or whatever works. WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN are in the office in this scene, but have no lines. Candeed has 26 lettered rooms per floor. Make sure to indicate this somewhere in show pamphlets or advertisements.)


          RANDY: (Gets up from his desk, takes CENTER STAGE.) Hello, I am Randy Wojciechowski (VOY-CHEH-H-SKEE). You may know some websites like Wikipedia, Encyclopaedia Britannica, WikiFandom, or even WikiHow - (Getting off track.) a lot of those have the word "Wiki" in them, don't they? (Continuing.) Well, they are all extremely successful encyclopedia websites, but one used to rule them all: candeedbios.org. At Candeed, we would take candid photos of celebrities who agreed to sign a consent form and let us spend an hour interviewing them. The information would then be transferred to the website and be read by millions to see the "real" version of that celebrity. What is about to unfold - starting here in Room 1A - will tell the tale of the downfall of the company-


          ULYSSES: (Enters from his desk.) Are you talking to the wall again?! Get back to work! Candeed donations are at an all-time low, and THIS is what you're doing?! We have more stockholders selling all their shares than ever before and if we plateau again this quarter, we WILL be in VERY deep crap! (This may be continued with improv if need be, but Ulysses is shut down pretty fast, and Randy's line doesn't last super long.)


          RANDY: (Covers Ulysses's mouth at around the phrase "We have more...") (To audience.) This is Ulysses Richard, my manager. He thinks I'm insane because I talk to the wall and pretend that I'm talking to an audience every day. He would be right!


          ULYSSES: You're galdurn right, I'm right! Have you seen literally any other employees talking to the wall and covering their manager's mouth?!


          RANDY: (To audience.) He and I both know the answer to that. Alright, watch this, he's now going to tell me that I "desperately need to see a therapist"!


          ULYSSES: You DO desperately need to see a therapist!


          RANDY: (To audience.) See? I have the gift of prophecy!
         
         ULYSSES: Whatever.


         BRASS: (Enters the office from INTERVIEW ROOM.) Hey, everybody!


         RANDY: (To audience.) This is Bradley "Brass" Horne. He is one of the top Candeed interviewers. He thinks it's because of the quality of his interviews, but it's actually because of his obnoxious voice!


         BRASS: Hey! Stop saying that!


         RANDY: I will once it stops being true!


         BRASS: I'll have you know that I interviewed THE Quentin Tarantino earlier today!


         RANDY: Was that written just so Tarantino would be mentioned, Brass?


         BRASS: What are you talking about?! - Anyways, the new clown biopic actually did well at the box office, and I have an interview with the lead, "George Clowney" next week.


         RANDY: Oh, boy! This'll be just like that one time at the circus! (Freeze for an uncomfortable amount of time.)


         BRASS: What are you doing?!


         ULYSSES: (In awe.) Is he... broken?!


         RANDY: (Unfreeze.) I'm waiting for a cutaway gag, but I forgot this isn't a TV show!


         ULYSSES: What?!


         BRASS: You've got to be kidding me.


         AVERY: (Enter.) Good morning, everybody!


         ULYSSES: It's your first day, and you're incredibly late. It's also noon!


         AVERY: Well, you see-


         RANDY: The time is actually [time in real life], Ulysses.


         AVERY: What?!


         ULYSSES: Ignore him.


         BRASS: That's Randy. He does those kinds of things.


         RANDY: Hey, I'm the one who does the introductions! (To audience.) This is Avery. He's the new guy here. He will be working in advertising and writing with me starting today!


         AVERY: Who is he talking to?!


         BRASS: No one knows.


         ULYSSES: And no one ever will know. He will keep making quips to that wall until the day he dies.


         BRASS: Anyways, (indicate RANDY.) he's Randy, (indicate ULYSSES.) he's Ulysses, and I'm Bradley, but everyone calls me Brass.


         ULYSSES: Welcome to the office, Avery, you may put your stuff at that (indicate AVERY's desk) desk.


         AVERY: (sits down at his desk.) So what is the first thing you'd like me to do?


         ULYSSES: Read today's agenda on Google Docs. If you gave us your email, you should already be on it.


         RANDY: Google Docs! (To audience.) That's where the script was written!


         ULYSSES: I really wish you'd stop saying that.


         AVERY: (Looking at COMPUTER.) All right! So just the clown biopic article today?


         ULYSSES: Yep! Just let me know if you need anything!


          AVERY: Could I possibly get a bit of a refresher on how to edit Candeed pages?


          ULYSSES: That's a Randy question-


         RANDY: (Interrupting.) Editing Candeed articles is easy as pie. All you have to do is make sure to know how the editing interface works! (Overwhelmingly fast.) You see, to add a hyperlink, you enter the phrase you want to be displayed in brackets and then, without a space, you will paste the true link and then put parentheses around it. The same technique is used for footnotes, but you'll probably want to learn the shortcut for superscript before you get into that, which is Ctrl, Shift, Plus, but that's only really on Windows. If you're on a Mac, it's a whole different-


          AVERY: Ok, that's enough. I think I'll just look at the handbook...






          ACT 1, SCENE 2: The CEO


          (SETTING: Jean/Jeanne Tyler (The CEO)'s office. Think a bland room with some sparsely placed family pictures all around.)


          JEAN: Now, Niall...


          NIALL: Yes, Mr. Tyler?


          JEAN: What has been the source of (Pulls up a graph.) 85.76% of our money?


          NIALL: We get it from donations, sir.


          JEAN: Exactly! And, pray tell, what is currently so low that we can barely keep Candeed running?


          NIALL: (Gulp.) It's donations, sir.


          JEAN: And what do you think is making those donations so low, Niall?


          NIALL: Poor... work... ethic?


          JEAN: (Becoming unhinged.) DING DING DING DING, BINGO, JACKPOT, YOU WIN A MILLION DOLLARS! (Regain composure.) OK, one final question... double or nothing... Who is the biggest offender of the low work ethic around here?


          NIALL: Ummm...


          JEAN: Don't be nervous now.


          NIALL: It's...


          JEAN and NIALL: (Simultaneously.) Randy.


          JEAN: Alright. Good. Now... Fire him.


          NIALL: What?


          JEAN: Do it now.


          NIALL: But, sir, he's the most knowledgeable-


          JEAN: DO IT, OR I WILL TEAR YOU APART ATOM BY ATOM!


          NIALL: Understood, sir. (Skedaddle STAGE RIGHT.)


          JEAN: Finally, a more peaceful work environment. I just can't wait. I mean, it's been EIGHT YEARS of having that fool's inane buffoonery around here, and now... it's all over. And soon, there will be no more fun at Candeed! (Maniacally laugh, but poorly.) Jeez, I need to work on that. (Shout.) Niall, pull up my maniacal laughter tutorial!






          ACT 1, SCENE 3: "I'm being terminated?"


          (SETTING: The office (Room 1A), again, 30 minutes later. Randy is surprisingly working when Ulysses gets an email notifying Ulysses that he has to fire Randy.)


          ULYSSES: Randy!


          RANDY: Yes?


         ULYSSES: Ummm... There's something I need to tell you.


         RANDY: I'm being terminated?


         ULYSSES: Actually, yes, how did you know?


         RANDY: I (past tense) read the script!


         ULYSSES: Well, your severance package will arrive in two weeks.


         RANDY: Why will it take so long?


         ULYSSES: FedEx can't decide whether we're located in San Francisco or New York City.


         RANDY: We are in neither of those places. (In the case that this show is being done in either of those cities, perhaps make an aside quip ("...Or are we?") about that and perhaps wink. Or don't.)


         ULYSSES: Two weeks is how long it will take FedEx to realize that we are in neither of those places.


         RANDY: So when do I leave?


         ULYSSES: If there were truly a "script," it would've told you that.


         RANDY: Hush.


         ULYSSES: You are terminated upon the end of your work shift.


         BRASS: Doesn't Randy write a crazy high percentage of the most highly-visited, best-researched biographical pages?!


         ULYSSES: Yes, but he is being fired for...


          ULYSSES and RANDY: ..."Extreme unprofessionalism."


         ULYSSES: Hey, stop doing that! It freaks me out!


         AVERY: So, wait... I now have to do everything myself?!


         ULYSSES: Well, not exactly. Woodward and Bernstein are still here!


         AVERY: You mean those guys?!


         [WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN look up from their desks. They realize they've been mentioned.]


         ULYSSES: Although, they are only really "social" with each other.


         [The next grunts have the rhythm of a "knock knock joke".]


         WOODWARD: (Grunt grunt.)


          BERNSTEIN: (Grunt grunt?)


          WOODWARD: (Grunt grunt grunt.)


          BERNSTEIN: (Grunt grunt grunt grunt?)


          WOODWARD: (Grunt grunt grunt, grunt grunt grunt grunt grunt!)


          [The two laugh hysterically.]


          AVERY: (Giving the most judgmental look.) Why?!


          WOODWARD: (Audibly getting out a bag of potato chips.)


          BERNSTEIN: Ooh, gimmegimmegimme!


          WOODWARD: No! (Launches bag of potato chips across the room. It hits AVERY... preferably in the face, but if that doesn't happen, that's OK.)


          BRASS: (As the potato chip bag flies across the room.) Woah!


          AVERY: (Fed up.) That's enough! It's my first day on the job and not only has the only person who could've possibly helped me been fired, (RANDY waves.) but now I have to deal with these two (Redneck accent.) old fellers (Slip out of redneck accent.) acting like children! Quite clearly, this is not a great workplace environment. If something doesn't change here within the next couple of days, I might as well just put in my 2 weeks notice. I've always wanted to work at Candeed Media, but this? This?! This is not it. This is not the Candeed for which I was interviewed. This? This is a disappointment.






          ACT 1, SCENE 4: Pat Kay the Actor


          (SETTING: In the INTERVIEW ROOM, BRASS is interviewing PAT, an actor who hasn't been in a movie for a while. The CAMERA CREW surrounds BRASS and PAT. Also, Randy has been gone for three weeks.)


          BRASS: So, in your most recent film, Documentaries: The Movie, what was your main inspiration for the way you played John Documentaryson? ("John Documentaryson" can be changed to "Jane Documentaryson" if PAT's actor is female.)


          PAT: Well, Horne, I thought of a lot of the documentaries I'd already watched and tried to encapsulate a mixture of all the Werner Herzogs and David Attenboroughs of this world and basically combined them into one character. There was also never really a solid script for that movie, and it shows with all the odd plot holes and such.


          BRASS: Interesting. And why haven't you done a movie since that one from 2018?


          PAT: Brass, it's been hard. With all the strikes and discrediting of actors for having money, it's been difficult to want to be in movies. If all that's going to come out of being a movie star is insults on Twitter and scandals, then I want no part in any of it anymore. So, because of this, I have been hesitant to star in movies. But I AM writing a movie in which I will star! It might take a while to find someone who will help me direct it, though.


          BRASS: I hope you find your director. Well, Pat, it's been great, but I think that that just about wraps up our interview. Have a fantastic rest of your day!


         [The CAMERA CREW packs up and leaves. Pat almost does the same until a movement is heard. The sound of the rattle echoes throughout the room.]


         PAT: What was that?!


         BRASS: I'm... not quite sure. (Brass makes a realization.) Wait, a minute. I think I know-


         RANDY: (Emerges from a Candeed Media Big Filing Cabinet(TM) with a "VISITOR" sticker on his shirt.) HELLO! (To audience.) Did you miss me?


         PAT: Who is that and why does he talk to the wall?


         RANDY: I'm Randy Wojciechowski! I used to write here at Candeed until I was fired.


         PAT: Were you possibly fired because you talk to walls?


         RANDY: I've considered it a possibility, yes. But it's not very likely since I've been allowed to do it for eight years. I can't help but shake the feeling that something else is at play here. Maybe it's the corrupt nature of the CEO-


         BRASS: Shhhh! He might be listening!


         RANDY: True.


         PAT: I'm very confused. What's going on here?


         RANDY: I've been gone for three weeks, and we are interviewing actors who are clearly burnt out. This interview with Pat Kay is great, but he isn't our top priority, Brass (PAT looks at RANDY with an offended look). I also heard you POSTPONED a first-time interview with Brad Pitt in order to do your FIFTEENTH interview with Michael Cera!


         BRASS: It was a big milestone!


         RANDY: That's what Ulysses told you to say, isn't it?


         BRASS: Um... Yes.


         RANDY: By the way, I am looking for work, Pat... Do you think I could help direct your movie?


          PAT: Sure! What's your full name again?


          RANDY: It's Randy Wojciechowski, but since some people get spooked by Polish last names, I'm usually billed as "Randy Voy". It's been a while since I've done movie work of any kind, so this could be good for a fresh start.


          PAT: Awesome!


          RANDY: (Realizes that he's forgotten the true reason he's here.) Wait! The new kid, Avery! He still hasn't learned my ways! (To audience.) I must teach him!


          BRASS: Go, then!


          PAT: You start work with me next month!


          RANDY: (Leaving.) Alright, cool, gotta go!


         [RANDY exits.]


         PAT: What an odd person.






         ACT 1, SCENE 5: Avery's Training


         [SETTING: Room 1A, twenty minutes later. Everyone is there.]


          ULYSSES: Avery, did you JUST get done with the final clown biopic edit?!


AVERY: (Gulp.) Yes. Work's been slow, OK?!


          ULYSSES: (To self.) That's it, we're going out of business! (To AVERY.) I'm glad you're done, but you've got to start working a bit faster!


          AVERY: But how?


          RANDY: (Bursts into the room.) Did someone say "Randy"?! (The room falls silent.) No?... I didn't think so. (Beat.) I should have thought that through better.


          AVERY: Randy! What are you doing here?!


          RANDY: (Showing his "VISITOR" sticker.) Uhhh... being a visitor. I shouldn't say this too loud, but (Yelling.) I'M ACTUALLY HERE TO MENTOR YOU, AVERY CHILDS!


          AVERY: (Sarcastically.) Wow. How discreet you are.


          RANDY: But, for serious, you do need help. I need to teach you my ways.


          AVERY: Wait, what?!


          RANDY: Every day, I will dedicate an hour of my time to helping you learn my ways!


          AVERY: Oh boy.


          BRASS: Have fun!


          RANDY: (Announcement voice.) I would like everyone to take themselves and their laptops outside to work.


          [Everyone except for Randy and Avery exits.]


          AVERY: Wait... everyone agreed to this?!


          RANDY: Yes, approximately ten minutes ago.


          AVERY: Oh wow.


          RANDY: Now, Avery... (He indicates the fourth wall.) Do you see that wall?


          AVERY: Yes. I assume it's the wall to which you talk all the time?


          RANDY: Precisely! But, there's a reason... If you can entertain the idea, even if just for a moment, that the wall right there does not exist-


          AVERY: Randy, how does this pertain to editing Candeed articles?


          RANDY: I DID say that you will learn ALL my ways.


          AVERY: Uh oh.


          RANDY: Now. Where was I? (Regains train of thought) Oh, yes. The wall. Guess what? That wall? It doesn't exist. It is a figment of your imagination. It's a figment of everyone's imagination. The truth is, only me and a few others know it, but... there is an audience watching everything we do at ALL times. Who are they? We don't know. If we dig deeper, we can even access a script that says and foretells what will happen in our lives!


          AVERY: This seems like a conspiracy theory.


          RANDY: It would be if it weren't the truth! OK, now onto how to add footnotes to a Candeed article...


          AVERY: Wait, wait!! Tell me more about how everything I thought I knew is a lie!


          RANDY: If you insist...


          [Someone knocks on the door. It's UNC STEVENS.]


          RANDY: (Opens the door.) Oh, Unc Stevens! Hello! (To audience.) This is Stanley Stevens. He goes by "Unc", but his real name is Stanley. He is on the board of directors at Candeed Media!


          UNC: What's going on here?! Why is everyone working outside?! Randy, you've been fired for three weeks! The others on the board of directors and I are NOT happy.


          RANDY: I'm helping Avery, Unc!


          UNC: (Closes the door.) Randy, you almost blew my cover! (He waves to the audience.) Hello, everybody!


          AVERY: (Flabbergasted.) There's ANOTHER crazy person?!


          UNC: And from what Randy's told me, there's about to be three.


          AVERY: There is no way I am ever going to believe that that wall (Indicates fourth wall.) is anything more than just a wall. I mean, let's entertain the idea for just a second, there is no way that anyone could EVER- (AVERY tilts his head towards the fourth wall. His jaw drops. He pauses for a few seconds.) No. Way.


          RANDY: See, I told you, Unc! I knew Avery would be the one.


          UNC: And so it is. You have passed the fourth-wall-breaking torch onto the next generation. I congratulate you, Randy and Avery.


          AVERY: Wait, you were the first one to have the fourth-wall-breaking ability?


          UNC: Yes. People thought it was crazy then, too. Maybe one of these days it will become normal, but who knows?


          RANDY: Maybe one day you'll pass the torch onto another person, Avery!


          AVERY: I'm not quite so sure about that, Randy. All this is just so new to me.


          RANDY: You'll get the hang of it. (To audience.) I know I have!


          UNC: (Picks up device he found on the floor.) Hey, guys, I think someone's listening to us.


          RANDY: Oh, jeez!


          AVERY: You've got to be kidding!


          RANDY: (To the tune of "We're Not Gonna Take It" by Twisted Sister.) We're not gonna make it! No, we ain't gonna make it!


          JEAN: (Offstage, using a god mic.) RANDY WOJCIECHOWSKI, AVERY CHILDS, AND STANLEY STEVENS, PLEASE COME TO MY OFFICE.


          AVERY, RANDY, and UNC: (In terror.) Oh no! (They all exit in fear.)






          ACT 1, SCENE 6: A Talk with Mr. Tyler


          [SETTING: JEAN's room. RANDY, AVERY, and UNC enter and once seated, are all sitting in fear.]


          JEAN: Hello, troublemakers.


          RANDY: You know, Mr. Tyler, I don't technically work here anymore, so it shouldn't be required that I be here-


          JEAN: You should know that it's company policy that visitors, too, must come to my office when called.


          RANDY: Listen-


          JEAN: I believe I've heard enough already! You three are the most unprofessional, incompetent, borderline insane employees this company has known!


          AVERY: I've been here three weeks!


          UNC: I'm one of the most productive people on the board of directors!


          RANDY: I don't even work here anymore!


          JEAN: Excuses, excuses! That's all it is with you people!


          RANDY: What do you mean "you people"? Is this because I'm Polish?


          JEAN: (Ignoring RANDY's accusation.) I know what you've been up to Randy, and it seems you've already succeeded! I'm going to make sure that NONE of this "fourth-wall-breaking" tomfoolery ever happens again! Mr. Stevens and Avery, you are FI- (He almost says "FIRED" until NIALL interrupts him.)


          NIALL: Sir, you got an email, and it's urgent! It's from Brass.


          JEAN: What could he possibly want?!


         NIALL: He says, (Imitating BRASS.) "...pretty much the entirety of the Candeed Interviewing Union is going on strike tomorrow, including myself."


         JEAN: WHAT?! (Losing it.) ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! (He's lost it.) I will fire Brass! I will fire EVERYONE! There will be no more employees! I am running this company on my own from now on!


         NIALL: Remember your breathing exercises, sir. It would not be intelligent to do anything like that, and you know it.


         JEAN: Niall, be quiet before I demote you!


         NIALL: Yes, sir.


         JEAN: Also, Unc! I am very disappointed in you. I thought you were actually sane, but no! You're just one of them! The fact that you created the monster that is Randy is a good enough reason to fire you! But, you know what? I'm feeling nice today, so I'm just going to send ALL employees in Room 2A, 3A, 4A, and 5A to Room 1A.


         AVERY: What?!


         RANDY: (Getting stuck in a bit of a loop.) What?! No! What?! No! What?! You can't do that! That's not right! How would you even-? That's not right!


         JEAN: That's right! I'm going to punish a bunch of full-grown adults out of pettiness!


         AVERY: And to think that I thought that Randy and Unc were insane...


          ACT 1, SCENE 7: Rita


          [SETTING: The Rad Ideas Center. It is identical to Room 1A, except instead of there being a "1A" sign, there is a "Rad Ideas Center" sign. NIALL is seated at a school desk.]


          RITA: (Enters.) (Flirty tone.) Hey, Niall.


          NIALL: (Nervous.) So why do you have me here in the Rad Ideas Center, Mrs. Bertram?


          RITA: I have something to present to you! Also, didn't I say that you could call me by my first name?


          NIALL: Yes, (Gulp.) Rita.


          RITA: (Getting real close to Niall.) You know, Niall, I just find you so handsome...


          NIALL: (Attempting to get her away from him.) Mrs. Bertram!-


          RITA: (Interrupting.) First name!


          NIALL: Rita! I believe this is highly inappropriate! You're married!


          RITA: Hush, hush now...


          NIALL: Mrs. Bertram-


          RITA: (Interrupting.) First name!


          NIALL: Rita, get a hold of yourself!


          RITA: (Flirtatiously.) Not until I get a hold of you...


          NIALL: (Desperately.) Don't you have a presentation to show me?


          RITA: You know it... I'll first present something I made just for you... (She slowly takes out a painting pointed away from the audience, but shown to NIALL. What is painted on it is up to the audience to decide.) (Beat.) Do you like it?


          NIALL: (NIALL is terrified, but is trying to mask it with this comment.) That's... very flattering, Mrs. Bert- (Correcting himself.) Rita, but I don't think work is the best environment to show me something like that.


          RITA: Don't you get it, Niall? We could be perfect together!


          NIALL: Rita, I'm a little young for you...


          RITA: I don't care, pookie bear!


          NIALL: (Extremely uncomfortable, trying to reason.) Rita, what would your husband Magnus think?


          RITA: Oh, him? He's never home. He only comes home for a few hours, then messily eats his dinner I prepare for him.


          NIALL: That situation does not sound ideal, Rita, but I feel like you should talk about that to him instead of unleashing all your... emotions... onto me. (He gets out a lunch box, preferably with his name on it.) Now, if you'll excuse me-


          RITA: Don't you dare eat lunch when I'm presenting, you Messy Magnus Club member!


          NIALL: (He puts away his lunch box.) Sorry, ma'am.


          RITA: You are so inconsiderate! (Baby voice, getting way too close.) But I can't stay mad at you, you sweet little thing!


          NIALL: (Trying to push her away.) Rita, personal space!-


          JEAN: (Enters.) What is going on here?!


          NIALL: Save me, Mr. Tyler!


          JEAN: Will do. (To RITA.) Rita, get back to work!


          [RITA gets away from NIALL ashamed.]


          NIALL: (Stands.) (To JEAN.) Thank you so much!


          JEAN: You're welcome.


          RITA: (To NIALL.) And you're welcome to come by anytime, Niall.


          JEAN: Niall acknowledges your offer. (To NIALL.) Let's go now!


          [JEAN grabs NIALL's arm and exits with him.]






          ACT 1, SCENE 8: Cruel and Unusual


          [Setting: Room 1A. The room is packed with extra employees. No one can hear themselves think. It's what one can only describe as a nightmare.]


          RANDY: (To audience.) [Unintelligible monologue. It can be a quip or maybe even a reference to something. Pretty much anything works.] (After a little while, Randy loses his composure and yells.) Be quiet!


          [The whole room falls silent.]


          RANDY (cont'd): Am I the only one who thinks this is a terrible use of our time?!


          BRASS: Yeah, if you don't work in Room 1A, then you can just (Yelling.) GET OUT!


         ULYSSES: Including you, Randy! You just HAD to spread your insanity to poor Avery, didn't you?! Also, Randy, you don't work here anymore! Stop pretending like you do!


         RANDY: I used to work here! I'm just assisting Avery pro bono with work-related issues!


         ULYSSES: Sure, Randy.


         AVERY: Ulysses, maybe his "insanity" is the truth. Just, for a minute, entertain the idea that-


         ULYSSES: No, no, no! No more! This is over! Everybody, get back to work and maybe this nightmare will end!


         JEAN: (Enters with NIALL.) "Nightmare"? You're calling my new employee arrangement a "nightmare"?! That's very rude, Ulysses. I should fire you.


         ULYSSES: Sorry, Mr. Tyler.


         JEAN: Oh, you will be, Ulysses.


         BRASS: What brings you here, Mr. Tyler? You're the CEO! Aren't you supposed to be dealing with important company business?


         JEAN: I'm glad you mentioned that, Brass. I totally would be dealing with important stuff if it weren't for the fact that I know you all don't know how to be productive.


         ULYSSES: This new arrangement really doesn't help that, Jean.


         JEAN: (Gasp.) Ulysses George Michael Richard! Did you just call me by my first name?!


         RANDY: (To audience.) Ulysses is in trouble! (To ULYSSES.) Your middle name is "George Michael"?!


         JEAN: (Ignoring RANDY.) In my 18 years of running this company, no one has ever called me by my first name at work!... And gotten away with it alive.


         ULYSSES: (Runs away offstage like because his life depends on it.) AHHHHH!


         UNC: Mr. Tyler! Making employees run away? That's not good for workspace morale.


         JEAN: He'll be back.


         NIALL: They always come back-


         JEAN: Were you spoken to?!


         NIALL: No, sir.


         JEAN: (Yelling.) Then don't speak! There is no more being "casual" around here!


         WOODWARD: (Get out a bag of chips and open it. Slowly eat one. Make as much bag noise as possible.) Would you like some, Bernstein?


         BERNSTEIN: Of course, Woodward! (He takes a handful of chips. Crunching very loudly, he makes sounds that indicate he's enjoying the chips.) Mmm! Salt and vinegar!


         WOODWARD: Right? These things are the best! (Elongated.) Mmm!


         BERNSTEIN: (Slightly staccato.) Mmm!


         WOODWARD: (More staccato.) Mmm!


         BERNSTEIN: (Even more staccato.) Mmm!


         WOODWARD: (Most staccato yet.) Mmm!


         JEAN: (Angry.) Woodward and Bernstein, QUIT IT!


         BRASS: (Defensive.) They're just enjoying a snack!


         JEAN: I think you know exactly why what they're doing is (Towards WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN.) unacceptable!


         [WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN exit in shame.]


         BRASS: Can you blame them, though?! They work twelve hours a day and all of us only get a 15-minute lunch break!


         JEAN: That's not true! You guys all get a proper 30-minute lunch break!


         BRASS: ...During which the last 15 minutes are spent on a "mandatory presentation" where Rita yaks about how we need to "pull ourselves up by our bootstraps".


         JEAN: One is allowed to finish eating during that!


         BRASS: One is not! Rita yells at us if we try that! And if you have the misfortune of being male, she'll say you're part of the "Messy Magnus Club."


         JEAN: "Magnus" is Rita's husband's name!


         BRASS: Exactly! It's cruel! And unusual!


         JEAN: Just the way I like it!-


         UNC: (Plays a recording on a tape recorder. It plays the last two lines.) There! My last piece of evidence I need!


         JEAN: (Runs toward UNC to destroy the tape.) Why, you little!-


         UNC: Not so fast, Mr. Tyler. (Gets out phone.) You wouldn't want to be filmed, would you?


         JEAN: (Yelling.) Recording without permission is illegal!


         UNC: Ah, but that's only if it's a private conversation. You are yelling, so that makes this conversation no longer private and allows me to record you as much as I please!


         JEAN: (Yelling.) What?! No! You are so fired, Unc! And once you're fired... I'll put all the people in B-rooms here, too! (He grabs Niall's arm and exits with haste. He exits maniacally laughing, and this time he laughs well.)


         [UNC, BRASS, RANDY, ULYSSES, AVERY all follow JEAN.]




         ACT 1, SCENE 9: The Moustache Siblings


          [SETTING: Room 1Z. It is identical to Room 1A except the sign says "1Z" instead of "1A". All Room 1Z people are in Room 1Z by the beginning of the curtain reopening. Depending on cast size, one or two of the Moustache siblings can be played by the same actor as WOODWARD and/or BERNSTEIN. NIALL and/or PAT's actor can also portray the Moustache siblings if need be. The Moustache siblings should all speak with old-timey Transatlantic accents and should all have moustaches for obvious reasons.]


         AVERY: (Enters.) Hello! You must be the Moustache siblings!-


         MICHAEL: (To AVERY.) Hello, visitor! (To MALLOY.) Malloy Moustache!


         MALLOY: Yes, Michael Moustache?


         MICHAEL: Inform Maurice Moustache that we have a visitor, Michael!


         MALLOY: OK, Michael! (Yelling.) Maurice Moustache!


         MAURICE: Yes, Malloy Moustache?


         MALLOY: We have a visitor!


         MAURICE: Nice!


         MALLOY: Inform Melvin Moustache that we have a visitor, Maurice!


         MAURICE: OK, Malloy! (Yelling.) Melvin Moustache!


         MELVIN: Yes, Maurice Moustache?


         MAURICE: We have a visitor!


         MELVIN: Cool beans!


         AVERY: Moustaches, the rest of Room 1A and I have gone through Rooms 1B, 1Y, and everything between and we still haven't been able to find Mr. Tyler anywhere!


         MICHAEL: Have you tried the second floor?


         AVERY: We have search parties on all floors.


         MICHAEL: How'd you arrange that?!


         AVERY: E-mail!


         ULYSSES: (Enters.) Woodward and Bernstein couldn't make it. They began sitting down on a bench and pouting before even getting halfway through the hall.


          MICHAEL: (To ULYSSES.) Hello, visitor! (To MALLOY.) Malloy Moustache!


         MALLOY: Yes, Michael Moustache?


         MICHAEL: Inform Maurice Moustache that we have another visitor, Michael!


         MALLOY: OK, Michael! (Yelling.) Maurice Moustache!


         MAURICE: Yes, Malloy Moustache?


         MALLOY: We have another visitor!


         MAURICE: Nice!


         MALLOY: Inform Melvin Moustache that we have another visitor, Maurice!


         MAURICE: OK, Malloy! (Yelling.) Melvin Moustache!


         MELVIN: Yes, Maurice Moustache?


         MAURICE: We have another visitor!


         MELVIN: Cool beans!


         AVERY: I'm getting dvu. Do you guys do that every time a visitor enters?


         MOUSTACHE SIBLINGS: (In unison.) It's the Moustache way!


         AVERY: Well, it's taking up runtime!


         RANDY: (Enters.) Avery, did I just hear you break the fourth wall?!


         AVERY: Yes! Are you proud of me?


         RANDY: Always, Avery. Always.


          MICHAEL: (To RANDY.) Hello, visitor! (To MALLOY.) Malloy Moustache!-


         AVERY: (Yelling.) No! Stop it! (Regaining composure.) There will be two more visitors after Randy, and if a word comes out of your mouth besides a normal greeting, Michael Moustache, you will be in a world of hurt!


         UNC: (Enters.) What's going on, guys?


         BRASS: (Enters.) Gosh, I never realized how ridiculous "26 rooms per floor" really was until now...


         MICHAEL: (Wipes neck.) Hello, Mr. Stevens. Hello, Brass.


         UNC: You're getting kind of sweaty, Michael.


         MICHAEL: I am not!


         MALLOY: Neither am I!


         MAURICE: Nobody asked you, Malloy!


         MALLOY: Shut up, Maurice!


         MAURICE: Make me!


         MELVIN: Mr. Tyler should have known it was a bad idea to group the Moustaches together. Why can't we all just get along?


         MALLOY: Shut up, Melvin!


         MICHAEL: Yeah, Mother Moustache always treats you best because you're the youngest!


         MAURICE: You have no room to talk, Michael! At least Mother Moustache gave you support for college! She didn't give me a dime because she "needed to support Melvin"!


         MELVIN: I wish we would stop fighting.


         MALLOY: I wish you would shut your mouth, mama's boy!


         ULYSSES: Melvin has a point, Malloy. You guys really should quit bickering.


         AVERY: It's getting old!


          RANDY: It's annoying!


          UNC: It's most assuredly unproductive!


          JEAN: (Comes out of hiding from Michael's desk.) It's exactly what I wanted!


          RANDY: What?!


          AVERY: No!


          MICHAEL: (Resisting the urge to call out MALLOY to start the nonsense.) Mall-... Ma-... Mousta-... Malloy Moust-...


          AVERY: (Gives Michael the darndest look.) No.


          JEAN: (Ignoring that interaction.) I paid Michael to delay your search!!


         AVERY: What?! Are the other Moustache siblings involved in this?!


         JEAN: No. The Moustache siblings are very particular in that once a person enters a room, Michael must start the visitor routine. You can see how hard it is for him to not do it anyways, but I knew that he would try his very best to resist until I offered him money. Even after that money offer, it seems that you've somehow prevented him from starting the visitor routine, which I must say, would have been impressive!


         AVERY: "Would have been"?


         JEAN: You see, you were still much too late to stop my plan. Niall and Rita are going to host a presentation that will last the rest of the work day 15 minutes from now. It will talk about some... improved arrangements.


         RANDY: What?!


         AVERY: No!


         ULYSSES: Not again!
         
         UNC: That would be a four hour presentation!


         JEAN: Follow me, troglodytes. Prepare to suffer... in the Rad Ideas Center...


         AVERY: (To audience.) Talk about a toxic work environment! (Ba-dum tiss!)


         RANDY: Now's not the time for that!


         UNC: Yeah, that was barely even funny!


         RANDY: It was terrible!


         UNC: It was embarrassing!


         RANDY: I'm offended!


          UNC: It was horrendous!


         RANDY: Well, it wasn't that bad.


         UNC: It was actually pretty good!


         RANDY: It was great!


         UNC: It was amazing!


         RANDY: It was the most humorous thing I've ever heard!


         UNC and RANDY: (Not exactly in unison.) More! More! More! More!


         AVERY: (Gives UNC and RANDY the most concerned and confused look.)


         [After about 3 beats of silence, JEAN exits.]


         ULYSSES: We should probably follow him. I have no idea where the "Rad Ideas Center" is.


         RANDY: He talks about it often, but its location always changes.


         AVERY: Yeah, it's odd.


         [RANDY, AVERY, UNC, and ULYSSES exit.]


         MICHAEL: Well, guys-


         MALLOY: Shut up!


         MAURICE: Yeah, you sold out!


         MELVIN: You are no longer a brother to me, Michael!


         MICHAEL, MALLOY, and MAURICE: Shut up, Melvin!






         ACT 2, SCENE 1: The Presentation


         [SETTING: The Rad Ideas Center. RITA and NIALL are standing at the whiteboard.]


         RITA: You WILL go to dinner with me tonight!


         NIALL: You're not too tired from work?


         RITA: (Flirtatiously.) I'm never too tired for you!


         NIALL: Rita, please don't-


         RITA: (Embraces NIALL.) Hush now.


         NIALL: (Serious.) Rita, stop it!!


         RITA: I'll never stop loving-


         RANDY: (Enters.) What's up, party people? (Notices NIALL and RITA.) Oh, wait. You people seem to be already partying.


         NIALL: It's not what it looks like!


         RANDY: That's what they all say.


         NIALL: (Trying to escape Rita.) It's not funny, Rita! Let me go!


         ULYSSES: (Enters.) I wonder what catastrophic event is next for this company. (Notices NIALL and RITA.) Oh. You know what? I'm not surprised.


         RANDY: I was surprised. Did something change with Rita while I was gone?


         ULYSSES: I... I guess.


         NIALL: This is insane!


         AVERY: (Enters.) Hi Niall. Hi Rita. How's it going, Randy? Ulysses?


         RANDY: You don't seem shocked at all.


         ULYSSES: Yeah, I wasn't exactly surprised, but it did startle me at first. How's come it didn't startle you?


         AVERY: I (past tense) read the script!


         ULYSSES: (Rolls his eyes.) Whatever.


         RANDY: That's my student!


         UNC: (Enters.) You know, Randy, you were my student at one point, too.


         ULYSSES: How did you know what we were talking about before you got here?! Oh wait, never mind. I know the answer! You...


         ULYSSES, RANDY, AVERY, and UNC: ...(past tense) read the script!


         BRASS: (Enters. He sees NIALL and RITA. He shrugs.) You can probably guess what I read in order to be unsurprised by this.


         ULYSSES: The script?


         BRASS: What? No! I read the room.


         ULYSSES: I'm glad to hear that you're still sane, Brass.


         NIALL: (Still being restrained by RITA and trying to escape.) This is fun and everything, but while you guys are joking and having a good time, I'm being (Yelling.) harassed at work!


         JEAN: (Enters.) What in tarnation are you two doing?! Rita! Let him go! We have a lot to show Room 1A today.


         NIALL: The presentation will now begin.


         RITA: (Gets out binder and opens it to a graph that is in landscape format.) This is our productivity over the last month. You see, here, (Indicates area on graph.) in the past 3 weeks it has gone down tremendously.


         BRASS: (Raises his hand.)


         RITA: Yes, Brass? (She places the binder down on a table or a table-like surface.)


         BRASS: Do we think this has anything to do with the firing of Randy Whoajeh-... Randy Vojee... Randy Voychickausk-... how do you pronounce it?


         RANDY: Voy-cheh-h-skee.


         BRASS: Darn! I always get it wrong! (Getting back on track.) Do we think that this has anything to do with the firing of Randy Wojciechowski?


         RITA: Well, correlation does not imply causation, Brass.


         BRASS: He was a pretty big contributor...


         NIALL: He was a distraction to others!


         RANDY: Hey!


         NIALL: It's the truth, Randy. Your termination was the correct move.


         BRASS: Clearly not! Do you think that perhaps his firing brought down the spirits of everyone working here?


         ULYSSES: Yeah, even if his oddities were difficult to handle, he was a great asset to the work environment!


         JEAN: He couldn't even tutor Avery correctly without spreading his madness!


         AVERY: It was enlightening!


         JEAN: It was ab-surd! (Please pronounce it AB-surd and not uhb-surd.)


         RANDY: You know what's "ab-surd", Mr. Tyler? It's "ab-surd" that you threaten to fire employees every day! It's "ab-surd" that you yell at everyone! It's "ab-surd" that you punish full-grown adults out of pettiness!


         UNC: (Gets a notification. Checks phone.) It's "ab-surd" that I have to go to the hospital immediately! Like, right now!


         AVERY: Oh no, Unc! The hospital? What is it?!


         UNC: It's a big building with patients, but that's not important right now.


         AVERY: (Eye roll.) What did the notification say?


         UNC: It's from my wife! I'm a father!


         RANDY: Unc, you have a wife?!


         BRASS: You missed the birth of your first child to be here?!


         ULYSSES: How did I never know you were married?!


         AVERY: I haven't been here very long, but this still surprises me!


         UNC: Relax, guys. Eleanor knows that my work situation makes it so I can never take a day off.


         RANDY: Her name is "Eleanor"?!


         UNC: Her parents were huge Beatles fans.


         JEAN: The presentation should have started five minutes ago! Can we all please focus and listen to Niall and Rita, please?!


         UNC: I apologize. It's not like we've got a long time- Oh wait, that's right, we do!


         RITA: (Picks up another graph.) Because we here at Candeed believe that people work better in groups, we are moving all people in B-rooms to Room 1A.


         ULYSSES: What?! I thought that Mr. Tyler was joking when he said that!


         UNC: Me too! That would make us have ten times more people in the room! It is spatially impossible!


         NIALL: Not anymore! We are going to rebuild the rooms to be able to facilitate this!


         UNC: A remodel like that would cost way too much! Shouldn't we worry more about keeping the company up and running?!


         JEAN: Well, construction begins next week!


         BRASS: And the strike happens tomorrow!


         JEAN: Thanks for reminding me! I'll make sure to come REAL early to stop you all!


         BRASS: Whatever you say, Mr. Tyler!








         ACT 2, SCENE 2: The Strike


         [SETTING: Outside the office, the day after the presentation. There are many STRIKERS. UNC, AVERY, BRASS, WOODWARD, and BERNSTEIN are there, too. Using as many extras as possible is recommended. If none of the Moustache siblings are portrayed by the same actor as WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN, then the Moustache siblings may be strikers, too. Signs should say things along the lines of "PAY US A FAIR WAGE", "STOP TRYING TO FIRE US WITHOUT CAUSE", "JEAN TYLER WANTS YOU TO WORK YOUR LIFE AWAY". Unc is holding a sign that says "UNC FOR CEO".]


         UNC: I knew everyone else was going to have a legit sign, so I decided to do my own thing.


         RANDY: (Enters.) How's it going? I didn't bring a sign because I don't work here.


         BRASS: It's going pretty well, so far.


         JEAN: (Enters.) What?! It is 3:30 in the morning! How are you guys already gathered around the building?!


         BRASS: Dedication! Mr. Tyler, we are sick and tired of the way you think you can treat us! We will no longer be bullied! We now give you a little taste of your own medicine by bullying you!


         JEAN: Well, what do you all want?!


         BRASS: You can read, can't you?!


         JEAN: Yes, but just give me a basic rundown!


         BRASS: Stop making it so we have to work 12-hour days just to make ends meet! Stop firing people who actually do a good job! You will have no scabs, by the way. Even people outside of our union are striking with us!


         NIALL: (Enters.) Mr. Tyler, sir... (Yawn.) I got your phone call. It's so early...


         JEAN: Look at this! Why did we ever let the interviewers be a union?! They even got people with other non-interviewing jobs at Candeed to join!


         NIALL: I'm just glad Rita isn't here.


         JEAN: Wait, that's exactly it! I have an idea!


         NIALL: Oh no.


         JEAN: Niall, call Rita! I know you have her phone number in at least one of your pockets with how often she gives you her number.


         NIALL: (He reaches in two of his pockets, and surely enough, a ripped piece of paper with her phone number on it is in both of them.) There's even two! Well, here goes nothing... (He calls the number. The times that NIALL should pause for a response are indicated by beats.) Hello. (Beat.) This is Niall Fitzpatrick. (Beat.) No, please don't- please don't call me that. (Beat.) There's a strike happening. I'm sorry that I called you at such an early time- (Beat.) Yes, here at Candeed.


         JEAN: Tell her that Tyler wants her here as soon as possible!


         NIALL: (To JEAN.) Will do, sir! (Over the phone.) Rita, Mr. Tyler wants you to be here as soon as possible! (Beat.) All right, bye. (Beat.) (Flustered.) Rita! That is highly inappropriate! I'm hanging up! (He hangs up.)


         JEAN: What did she say that was so bad?


         NIALL: (Barely able to form words.) I don't want to say...


          RANDY: (To audience.) She real flirty! (This is grammatically incorrect on purpose.)


         JEAN: (Notices UNC's sign.) Unc! Are you serious?!


         UNC: Yes. I want to be CEO!


         JEAN: The CEO is not elected!


         UNC: Not yet, anyway.


         JEAN: I would never approve that!


         UNC: Maybe you should.


         JEAN: No way! I'm glad you're not directly insulting me like all these others, though.


         UNC: I had an opportunity to announce my campaign. I took it.


         NIALL: (Checks phone.) It looks like Rita's almost here.


         JEAN: How do you know that?


         NIALL: Life360! Rita added me to hers so she can "keep an eye on me". She doesn't have Life360 with her own husband, though.


         JEAN: (Sarcastically.) I wonder why... (Getting back on track.) Oh yeah! Niall, quickly! Go into the crowd of protestors and hide! I'll tell Rita you're trying to calm them down!


         NIALL: Yes, sir! (He hides into the crowd of protestors. They try to push him away, but fail.)


         ULYSSES: We won't let this work, Mr. Tyler! You must comply or at least compromise!


         JEAN: We'll see about that.


          RITA: (Enters.) Niall! Where's Niall?!


          JEAN: Mrs. Tyler, you just missed him! He's in that crowd, but you'll have to search for him!


          RITA: Oh no! I hope he's safe. (She scurries to find him.) Where is he?!


          NIALL: (He should be on the other side of the stage from RITA.) (Shouting.) Over here!


          RITA: (Goes towards NIALL, and NIALL ducks to go in a different direction.) Niall, sweetie, I can't find you!


          NIALL: (He is now on the other side of the stage where he was before.) I'm over here, RIta!


          RANDY: Rita! Niall is trying to hide from-


          RITA: Hide from his endless feelings for me!


          [All extra employees cringe. They start to disperse.]


          ULYSSES: You don't understand, Rita! You could get better pay!


          RITA: Hush, Ulysses! I need to find my favorite little guy!


          [All extra employees cringe. They disperse more.]


          NIALL: (To JEAN.) It's working!- Uh, I mean- (To RITA.) It's working between us, Rita!


          RITA: I know our feelings are mutual!


          [All extra employees cringe. All the extras but one have gone back inside.]


          JEAN: (Maniacal laugh. The best one yet.) Where's your strike now?!


          NIALL: Sir, I think you're forgetting something-


          RITA: (Grabbing NIALL's arm.) You're coming with me.


          NIALL: (Desperately.) No!


          RITA: Oh, yes, honey.


          [RITA drags NIALL into the building, grabbing his arm.]


          ULYSSES: Mr. Tyler! I can't believe you're allowing such inappropriate behavior!


          JEAN: I took the necessary measures required to facilitate the end of the strike.


          WOODWARD: The interviewers have a right to strike!


          BERNSTEIN: And we editors and advertisers have a right to join!


          BRASS: Mr. Tyler, us Candeed interviewers are more than just people who ask celebrities questions. Our personas and images have become just as destructible as that of an actor's. Because of this, we unionized. You need to understand that we are people and deserve to be paid well and not have to work so much overtime just to make ends meet.


          JEAN: Go to work, Room 1A people. Lord knows you all don't treat me with any level of respect!


          AVERY: (To audience.) As if he treats anybody here with respect!


          RANDY: Well, guys. I'm going home to weep. Bye, guys. (To audience) You guys, too, for a little while.


          ALL except JEAN: Bye, Randy!


          [RANDY exits, but not through the building.]


          ULYSSES: Well, I give up!


          AVERY: Same.


          UNC: It's for the best.


          BRASS: As much as I hate to admit it, it is indeed time to call it quits.


          JEAN: Hey, at least you're all early!


         BRASS: Yeah, yeah, whatever...


         [ALL go into the building.]








         ACT 2, SCENE 3: Pat Kay the Actor, Part II


          [SETTING: The INTERVIEW ROOM, a few days later. PAT is being interviewed by BRASS again. The CAMERA CREW is all there.]


          PAT: (Enters.) I see Candeed's budget has been cut again.


          BRASS: Yeah... the end is nigh for this company. Well, it's about time to start the interview. (He indicates to the CAMERA CREW to begin.]


          CREW MEMBER: Action!


          BRASS: Welcome to another Candeed Interview! My name is Bradley "Brass" Horne. and we are interviewing Pat Kay again today!


          PAT: It's good to see you again, Brass.


          BRASS: Now, I've heard that you are now writing for and starring in a movie, right?


          PAT: Yes! It may take a while, but starting next month, I am starting production on my next film, The Ramblings of an Insane Person.


          BRASS: You recently hired Randy Wojciechowski to direct the movie with you, right?


          PAT: It was a strange set of circumstances that led up to it, but yes. He will be credited as "Randy Voy" because some people get spooked by Polish last names.


          BRASS: Randy has become a mildly controversial figure within our community since his firing at Candeed. Do you regret hiring him?


          PAT: No, not at all! Everyone needs a job. Everyone loses jobs. It happens. I believe that he has what it takes to direct my brain child.


          BRASS: I hope that turns out well for you! Uhhh... (Squints at paper.) That's an odd question. I don't remember writing that. Ummmm... What is your opinion on Candeed Media?


          PAT: I mean... I enjoy it here. It's a good environment for the interviewee. You were right to say that was an odd question. Does someone else write your questions in addition to yourself?


          BRASS: Not that I know of, no. Someone must have added this. No one has access to my interview sheet except the CEO- Wait. I have made a realization.


          PAT: Mr. Tyler sabotaged your interview cards?!


          BRASS: It seems so! I didn't have time to check them because I came in late today. Ever since the strike a few days ago, I've been all out of whack. Hey, wait! Enough about me, I'm interviewing you!


          PAT: Correct!


          BRASS: I guess I'm just gonna have to wing it since I don't really have anything else that hasn't been made completely unusable. (Thinking.) Uhhh... So how's your family?


          PAT: Well, I just got divorced. My kids hate me. I haven't felt my right foot in a decade. (Modest.) So, my family life has been pretty good.


          BRASS: If you don't mind me asking, why did you get divorced?


          PAT: Well, I would like to start off by saying I do mind you asking.


          BRASS: Oh.


          PAT: (Continuing.) My spouse always wanted to start fist fights with me. My kids did too. They learned it from my spouse. It was for the best for them and I to part.


          BRASS: ...On a lighter note, you recently made an appearance at a film festival a few miles from here. How was your time there, and did you meet any fans?


          PAT: My time there was fantastic, Brass! I met many fans there. There was even one who followed me to the restroom to get my autograph.


          BRASS: That's creepy.


          PAT: Yes!


          BRASS: Well, Pat, is there anything else you'd like to say before we are done?
          PAT: Well, I suppose-


          AVERY: (Popping out of Candeed Media Big Filing Cabinet(TM).) (To audience.) Live from New York, it's Saturday Night!


          BRASS: (Startled.) Avery! How did you get there? Why are you here?! Why has this happened twice?!


          PAT: How many people here talk to that wall?!


          BRASS: There are three if you count the guy who got fired.


          AVERY: I am here to tell you, Brass, that this will be your last interview here!


          BRASS: What?!


          PAT: Oh my.


          AVERY: Ulysses sent me and I decided to enter with style!


          BRASS: Why is this my last interview here?!


          AVERY: The company is going under!


          BRASS: When?!


          AVERY: Tomorrow.


          CAMERA CREW: (Cheers.)


          BRASS: (Astonished.) So, tomorrow's my last day?!


          AVERY: Yes! And you don't have an interview that day, right?


          BRASS: Yep!


          PAT: Wait, wait, wait... this is happening suspiciously fast. Don't you guys think it's weird that this huge company is self-destructing?


          BRASS: You have a point. We can get more info from Ulysses.


          AVERY: Let's go!


          CREW MEMBER: ...and cut!


          BRASS: You recorded all of that?


          CREW MEMBER: Yes!


         BRASS: Do not cut anything. You can make an edited version, but I'd like the full version to be released, too.


         CREW MEMBER: Of course, Brass!


         [ALL exit.]






         ACT 2, SCENE 4: The End is Nigh


[SETTING: Room 1A. ULYSSES, WOODWARD, and BERNSTEIN are all at their desks. All others enter later.]


         ULYSSES: I'm glad that this room is finally back to normal, but I can't believe that it's all coming to an end.


         WOODWARD: What will I tell my wife?! (Or husband?!)


         BERNSTEIN: Nothing! She's (Or he's) dead!


         [WOODWARD and BERNSTEIN burst into laughter. ULYSSES makes a concerned expression.]


         AVERY: (Enters.) I told Brass the news.


         ULYSSES: It's sad that we have to leave so soon.


         BRASS: (Enters.) I'm just so upset. I'll miss this. All of this. I'll miss the clocks that were always off.


          AVERY: I'll miss the boss who punished us like we were children.


          ULYSSES: I'll miss the 26 rooms per floor on five floors that were impossible to navigate.


          BRASS: Maybe we shouldn't be missing this place, it's pretty terrible.


          AVERY: Yeah, you're right, I hate it here.


          ULYSSES: Well, it isn't that bad.


          AVERY: It's actually great!


          BRASS: It's been the best and most successful job I've ever had!


          ULYSSES: Yeah, but Mr. Tyler shouldn't have been the one to run this company.


          RANDY: (Enters.) Exactly, Ulysses!


          ULYSSES: How did you know I was talking?!


          RANDY: I read your lips.


          ULYSSES: Oh. I thought you were going to say you read the-


          RANDY: (Interrupting.) I also read the script.


          ULYSSES: Yeah, that.


          AVERY: Guys! Mr. Tyler is coming to our room! He just sent an email to everyone!


          ULYSSES: Really?!


          RANDY: (Hides away under a desk.) I don't want to be removed! Do you know how hard it is to get in here as a visitor?! There's so much red tape and bureaucracy that I'm lucky to not still be in the waiting room!


          ULYSSES: It is fair that you want to hide, so I will let you.


          JEAN: (Enters with NIALL. The whole room becomes quiet.) Hello, hooligans. You guys aren't as loquacious as usual. (Beat.) I assume you've all heard the "fantastic" news. The news that claims that Candeed Media is "going under"? Well, not only is that a false fib fabricated by foolish, feckless freaks, but in reality... (Beat.) the opposite is the truth! We are thriving! We are doing better than ever! (Psychotic.) Haha! Isn't that just great?! It was all a farce! To get you idiots to work harder! And you believed it! You actually fell for it! You believed it and accepted all of it! We are doing so well with these silly rearrangements and reversals of said rearrangements that I have decided to make them permanent effective next week! From now on, I will make all of your lives as miserable as possible. And nothing, NOTHING, will stop me!


          UNC: (Enters.) Not so fast, Tyler. (Reveals tape recorder.) I have even more irrefutable evidence!


          JEAN: Ew! Ancient technology! Why must you use that thing, Unc?


          UNC: I'm old, Mr. Tyler. I've had this tape recorder since I was young.


          WOODWARD: If cassette tapes are ancient technology, I must be nearing my twilight years!


          BERNSTEIN: Woodward, you're far beyond your twilight years. You're practically fossilizing as we speak!


          WOODWARD: Says you, you old coot!


          BERNSTEIN: Well, at least I still have both the hips I was born with!


          WOODWARD: I don't think you have the upper hand here, Bernstein. I'm feeling great with my shiny new metal hips!


          BERNSTEIN: Whatever, Woodward. At least-


          JEAN: Shut up! The bickering here! It's pointless! It gets us nowhere! It makes me angry!


          NIALL: Sir, the decisions you make arrangement-wise are really not conducive to having a lack of bickering. Just look at the Moustache siblings' room. They get the least amount of work done because of how often they fight-


          JEAN: Were you spoken to?!


          NIALL: No, sir.


          JEAN: Then don't speak!


          ULYSSES: Do you hear yourself when you speak, Tyler?


          JEAN: Yes. (His nose grows as he says these next sentences. This is an Airplane! (1980) nod of sorts. This can be done with some kind of nose prosthetic.) I am actually rather self-aware. When I say things, I never exaggerate. I neither make statements that embellish the truth, nor do I misleadingly hyperbolize information.


          ULYSSES: (Incredulously.) OK...


          JEAN: (Retracts nose away from the audience. The actor may use this as an opportunity to remove the nose prosthetic.) I have a rare condition, OK?!


          AVERY: We're getting off track and having an entirely irrelevant conversation, altogether!


          ALL but AVERY: (All together.) We're getting off track and having an entirely irrelevant conversation!


          AVERY: (Rolls eyes. Getting back on track.) Mr. Tyler, you must understand that you cannot simply keep making us work ridiculously long hours and paying us so little while expecting us to still work for you!


          BRASS: Everyone here in Room 1A works twelve hours a day and it's intolerable! I'm glad you reversed some of your worse arrangements, but you can't make them return for profit reasons! Workspace morale is important, and that seems to be something you can't comprehend.


          UNC: I will not stand for this any longer! (Sits down at RANDY's former desk.)


          RANDY: Hey! That's my seat!


          UNC: You haven't worked here for weeks! It's fair game as far as I'm concerned.


          RANDY: Whatever.


          AVERY: (With gravitas.) Jean.


          [ALL gasp.]


          AVERY (cont'd): Since you have demonstrated so clearly that you have no interest in accommodating any of your employees' needs, I have decided that we will now have a vote. This vote will dictate whether or not anyone at Candeed will ever come to work again. I will send a poll via email, and all employees will respond. If three quarters or more say yes, we all leave for good. No more. Bye-bye to Candeed.


          JEAN: What?! I should fire you right now! You should have never even been hired! What is this?! Why is this?! This is chicanery! You think you can make a dupe out of me?! What bull-


          RANDY: Careful.


          JEAN: ...-spit!


          RANDY: (To audience.) That was close.


          JEAN: (Angrily.) I've had just about enough of that!


          NIALL: It's possible that you're about to lose your whole business, and you're hung up about Randy talking to the wall?!


          JEAN: (Calmly.) You have a sound point, Niall, but I choose to ignore it.


          NIALL: (Surprised, but delighted.) That response was better than I expected-


          JEAN: Were you spoken to?!


          NIALL: Actually, yes, just now, sir.


          JEAN: Oh, ok.


         ULYSSES: The email is sent, Avery! I'm voting on the poll now!


         BRASS: Ditto!


         JEAN: This is insanity! I'm leaving! Niall, you're leaving with me!


         NIALL: You know what, Mr. Tyler? No! I am not your slave.


         [ALL are surprised. NIALL has never stood up for himself before.]


         NIALL (cont'd): I work hard every day to please people and make them happy. Usually, if I make an effort, people will be satisfied. But, you, Mr. Tyler, have never been happy with anything I've done for you. I do your work for you when you don't feel like it, I sacrifice my dignity and let you use me as bait for Rita, I always listen to your problems and your endless rants every single day. Despite all this, you still don't appreciate me. You don't appreciate me at all. You never have, and it seems that you never will. So, you know what? I'm joining Room 1A. I will unite with them in their effort to make a Candeed that goes along with the mission originally intended: "Showing who people really are."


         UNC: Wait, I've got an idea!


         BRASS: Tell us, Unc!


         UNC: In the next scene, Brass!


         [ALL but JEAN roll their eyes.]


         JEAN: This will never work! I'm leaving! (Storms out.)