The Labor Pains of Hercules Story 2

The Lernean Hydra

It has how many little heads?



“What? You did in four kids and your wife right? And you think one stinking lion covers the tab on all that? Get a clue and get your ass after the Lernean hydra!”

“Awww shit!” Hercules protested. “Nine goddamn heads, for pete’s sake?”

“Or more,” Eurystheus shrugged. “You cut off one, you get two more. Sort of like your Daddy’s dick, ummmm? Cut off one source and it finds two more to take its place. Have fun, Herkie!”

Fun. Like slogging through the damn swamp was fun. Like hauling along sixteen tons of armor was fun. Like stinkin’ like sweat and shit and swamp crap was fun. Like getting’ your ass bit by sixteen different kind of winged wonders and a leech or two, like---

“Gotta do it, kid,” Zeus advised him. “What the son of a bitch didn’t tell you is the thing’s full of poison. One cut and you’re cooked.”

“Oh, great!” Hercules grumbled. “Nine heads and poison!”

Zeus looked uncomfortable at the words and Hercules knew there was more.

“Spit it out, Pops. In for a bite, in for a banquet!”

“Ah, yeah. The, ah, hydra’s got nine heads and its blood’s poisonous and two heads grow back when you cut off one and one head’s immortal----.”

“Wait a minute, wait a minute!” Hercules broke into the litany., “One’s immortal?”

Zeus nodded, the look on his face as glum as Hercules felt.

“Oh, shit!” Hercules muttered. “Haven’t you got any good news?”

“Rumor has it the thing could be gay,” Zeus offered hopefully.

“Like I’d do anything with nine heads!” Hercules snorted.

“Rumor has it the thing’s got nine little heads, too----if you know what I mean.”

Hercules’ interest perked up considerably.

“Little heads?”

“Rumor has it they ain’t that little.”

“Huh.”

Hercules could see this adventure taking on a whole new tone.



#


The thing did have nine not so little heads. It wasn’t gay. At least most of it wasn’t.

At first Hercules couldn’t get a peek at anything, and he’d tried everything. The damn monster kept throwing those huge, snaky heads all over the place and he couldn’t even get close enough to hope for an eye full.

“All right, big, bad, and brawny,” the thing finally said. “What the hell are you trying to look at?”

Since the thing asked, Hercules decided to go with bold.

“Rumor has it you’ve got nine heads.”

“Duh!”

“I mean nine little heads!”

“Oh, shit,” the hydra sighed, “So that isn’t a sword in your tunic.”

“Nah,” Hercules grinned. “I’m just glad to see yah, and I’ll show you mine if you show me yours!”

“What the fuck makes you think I want to see yours!”

“Exactly.”

“Damn!”

The nine heads conferred for a moment. The more they muttered to one another the more excited the waving and weaving got.

“Well it’s our goddamn body, too, and we say hike it up!”

“Our asses! It ain’t virgin, it ain’t female, and we ain’t interested!”

“Easy, easy, easy,” one of the heads murmured, and Hercules could see it was trying to calm things down. “Can’t we all just go with bi?”

There was some grumbling, but the swaying heads finally settled down to a gentle swishing. The peacemaker looked at Hercules then and said,

“Half of the heads are gonna close their eyes. The other half’s gonna play doctor with you. Don’t get `em mixed up!”

“And you?”

The baleful look told Hercules all he needed to know about that. Don’t fuck with the one in the middle.

“The immortal head,” he thought. “Hot damn!”

Everybody who was willing got in on the party. By the time they were done there were four happy heads and one very happy Hercules.

“By the way, big, bad, and beautiful,” one of the happy heads whispered to him. “If the bitches over there give you any trouble, you just cut their heads off and run a torch over the cut. Trust me, it works!”

It did. Half of the heads went by-by. Half of the heads promised more good times to come. The immortal head stuck itself under a rock in sheer disgust.

“That’s two!” Hercules grinned.

“Nope,” Eurystheus proclaimed. “I aint countin’ that one.”

“On account of?”

“You had just a little bit more fun than you should of. Besides. The damn thing ain’t dead. No blood, plenty of foul, no count.”

“Goddamn!”

“Thank your daddy for that one.”

Hercules knew there wasn’t any use arguing. He was back to square one, or almost, and it looked like it was going to be a loooooooooooooooong time in the dog house.