Missed Payment

I woke up this morning to a missed paycheque. I had been told my pay would continue while I was off so this was a surprise. I know I didn't really do my diligence in keeping connected with my HR department, so I need to shoulder some of the blame for this.
The signs were coming up also, in subtle ways; my Visa being compromised yesterday, the conversation I had about my work situation with a friend yesterday, and even the encouragement of my father to connect about it. The truth is that I'm stiff necked. I need to put down my vanity and not let it effect me so deeply.

I can't tell you how difficult it is to hold together a life when you are so sensitive as I am. Something as simple as watching a video on the internet or reading a disturbing passage in some judgmental post can upset my equilibrium. Never mind, if I miss a meal or get cold or don't exercise enough, or take a nap at the wrong time. Masturbation? Forget it. I can't handle the imbalance it makes in my brain. I can become suicidal!

The alternative is medication, but I'd rather live my life on the razor's edge than be fat and dull. The side effects of being on mood controlling drugs are way worse than the benefits they provide. I'm more certain than ever after having been on and off them several times over the course of many years that they were meant to be used as a temporary measure. I can't imagine being on them forever; How could a person ever expect to grow and overcome the challenges of life with as profound a limiter as prescription mood medications?

Each time I am upset by something I have these unimaginably powerful drives which direct me immediately to egotistical clamor. I am old enough to understand them and expose them, but the deeper reasoning is still hidden from me… I need to remain sharp and observant. I need to stay in solitude and not let others effect me. Eating a diet of algorithmically curated videos and offensive forum posts has super charged me to immediately engage my ego and opinions almost as a knee jerk reaction, never mind the fact that an inflated ego is the problem to begin with.

Do I truly enjoy seeing something and immediately judging it? No.

Anyways, you can imagine how I must feel with my income being fucked with. Especially when I'm already funneling thousands of dollars each month into the home my ex wife lives in with my children, who I never get to see or speak with… Money is as sensitive a topic as it ever was. Combine my soreness about our separation and the failure of a marriage which she actively attempted to sewer at every opportunity… it's just a complex issue. I know I wasn't without blame, but for my part I was mainly reactive. I never actively set out to ruin things as much as I would just have crappy behavior in response to her tantrums.

I'd love to drop it all an simply leave. Even with the children. I don't get to see them and when I do they are more interested in their regular lives than visiting their father. Who can blame them? They are kids… but I'd be more stable without. I could just abandon my life and leave everything. Wander off into the closing of the day and live on the fringes of society. Would it not be better to just fall away? Just go further away, get closer to it each day… I just feel so neutral. I don't know what to do.

I try to manufacture stability in my life, but without purpose and without an overarching goal I drift with a listless sort of acceptance. I have no source of confidence or joy. I sit for periods of time, staring, not lost in thought, but just quiet. So might call it meditation, but I'm not sure… There are times when non-existence seems preferable to whatever this is. Add to that a simple stress like communicating with someone I don't truly know about my basic needs like money to subsist can make it all feel too much. I think I'd rather just be dead than bother with anything.

It rarely feels like things are getting better. The progress, the backsliding, the lack of compassion. I feel like I'm talking to a toddler when I try to direct myself towards something more substantial. How can I replace the purpose of my life with anything after loosing all the valuable aspects of it while remaining tied to the obligations and costs? It's profoundly unfair, and it is difficult to see things from a different perspective. I know there is a view point I haven't considered, but it seems like an impossibility to conceive.

I try to put my concerns in a box, place them aside and manage what I can in front of me, but the box remains. It gathers dust and festers and can't be cleaned or managed. I'm just so lost with everything.

So now I wait. I wait to hear from work. I wait to hear from my lawyers. I wait for the weather to clear. I'm literally getting phone calls to postpone appointments at this moment.

Everything in my life is basically paused, and it makes me feel utterly forgotten about. It reminds me that I am unimportant and unneeded for anything and everything. My only friend in these moments is myself. I try to connect with the love of Jesus, but he only helps those who can help themselves ; with him as my witness, I'm fucking trying. Life is a fucking challenge, I can't wait until it is over.