Off Limits

Every little moment that lead to a great love

She looks like the most beautiful woman I've ever seen, I think to myself.

"You look amazing, Sofie" is all I can say to her.

I'm nervous, flustered, maybe a bit red in the face.

Can she tell what I'm thinking? My mind is spinning.

"Thanks! So do you. I like your swimsuit," Sofia responds to me.

Does she like my swimsuit because it's cute, or does she like me in the suit?

I feel a rush of guilt for having these thoughts about my best friend. Of course she just thinks the suit is cute, nothing more. I decide to forsake my hopes of mutual attraction and focus on getting our beach bag ready. I have packed both of us a peanut butter sandwich and chips, along with her favorite snacks. I made sure to bring her an orange because she said she's trying to take more Vitamin C.

God, I continue to think to myself, even making lunch I can't stop thinking about her.

Twenty minutes later we are in the car with our friends putting together a road trip playlist. As we drive to the coast, I feel a rush of gratitude for my friend group. After surviving the first year of medical school together, we seem to have become closer in spite of all the challenges. Desmin barely passed first year after several of us protested that she be able to take a supplemental exam, Kira struggled with an infection that turned to sepsis, Blake's mother was diagnosed with breast cancer, and I mourned the loss of my grandma and two dogs. I am consistently amazed at how each woman bore strength in her own unique way to overcome these challenges even in a challenging medical program.

I'm pulled out of my trail of reminisce by the feeling of Sofia's soft leg brush against mine.
She puts her hand on her thigh and it slightly touches mine.
I feel my stomach flip, my cheeks turn pink, Does she know she's touching my leg?
A wave of shame again. My best friend is trying to have a relaxing Saturday beach day and I'm overthinking innocent hand placement.

If Sofia wasn't in a committed relationship, if she wasn't so in love with him, maybe I'd feel less guilty. I justify my feelings for her by telling myself she's impossible not to fall in love with. So it's her fault, really, for being so incredibly beautiful, funny and irresistible.
Nevertheless, as yesterday and so many days before, my respect for her outweighs my strong desire to gently brace my hands around her face and pull it closer to mine. Maybe in another life...

~

After two hours of an incredible display of self control, my friends and I arrive at the coast.

I haven't seen the ocean in six months, the last time I saw my family as well before catching a flight to return to my second year of medical school. Something about the soft sand, the vast blue of the ocean that fades with the horizon, and the warm rays of sun on my skin has an instant healing effect. I am able to connect with Mother Nature, and she says hello through the ocean waves to me. I thank the trees for providing shade and protection. I fill my lungs with fresh air and my headache seems to ease. As I take in the never ending blue, I am reminded of how small I am.

My friends are excitement and chatter; taking pictures and spinning around in the sand. I feel happy.

After testing the temperature of the water and finding a few sea shells, we agree to head to the boardwalk in search for food and drink. The restaurants and shops line the coast, packed with hundreds of giggling children, sniffing dogs, and busy adults. We join the line for street tacos.

"I like your shirt," I hear a voice behind me.
I turn around and meet the gaze of a tall, tattooed brunette with curly hair. She has icy blue eyes and a cute Australian accent. I look down to see she is casually pointing to the rainbow on the front of my shirt. I know a clear sign when I see one.
"Oh yeah?" I respond, "would you believe I found it at a thrift store for two dollars?"
This opens up a brief discussion of our love for thrifting. How gay.
She tries me again, "your accent is cute, where are you from?"
With this comment, some of my friends have turned around to see who is talking to me. Kira raises her eyebrows and whispers to Blake who side-eyes me. I glance over and ignore their teasing looks. I can't help but linger for a moment after meeting Sofia's eyes. She seems to be watching this interaction intensely.
After a couple more minutes of flirting, this girl gives me her number and invites me to a party later tonight. We part ways as I return back to my friend group and she moves forward in line to order her food.

"Who was that?" Sofia asks me with a smile
"Said her name was Alexandra, she's from Sydney," I respond.
My friends make a couple jokes and Kira adds "every time I turn around she's flirting with another girl." I laugh because I and all my friends know that I'm an anti-social lesbian who never leaves the library in order to study.
Sofia bumps my arm, "Are you going to text her?"
I look up from my phone to respond to Sofia and I briefly meet her sparkly eyes before I force myself to divert the gaze. She can't know what I'm thinking. She can't know that I'd so badly rather be flirting with her. "No," I laugh, "why are you asking? You're jealous?"
She laughs with me and says in a sarcastic tone, "I would never."
Even if it's sarcasm, I know she means it. I know she doesn't care if I end up with someone else.
Sofia is asking me more questions about her, if I'm attracted to the girl, if I'll go to the party. I can't help but wonder why she's so interested in a casual flirtatious encounter I had. I stop my thought process here, once again.

Fighting my true feelings all day is tricky, it's exhausting, but it's the way it has to be.