After All These Years

After these 6 years, I finally came back to this and restarting.

After six years, I came back to this. I reread some of my own works and saw improvement in my mental state and my writing style, I can feel the difference and feel it so keenly. I came to this place as a coping mechanism and I can see how it was a good idea for me. I cried rereading the pain of my old self, feeling the hurt and wanting to hold onto her and make her feel better. I was writing on a raggedy couch at my parents and now, ironically, writing on a couch at my own place. I started writing and ended up stopping and forgetting all about it, seeming to just forget how to cope with words. I've been in therapy for a year and it was very needed. The younger me knew she wanted to live and thrive, she pushed and pushed to achieve what she wanted. I came to accept parts of myself that I never knew that I needed to accept, the rougher and darker parts that no one I thought would've loved; especially myself.

I'm in a six-year relationship as well. The longest I've ever been, and the healthiest that has been here. My boyfriend has been there through the roughest parts of my life and never gave up on me. He has taken my tears and wiped them away and make me smile instead. Through the deaths that shaped me, the friends that I've lost, the family drama I've dealt with; he took it all in stride. I put a lot of the change with him as well, he helped me gain so much confidence and independence than I knew was capable. I know a lot of independent people say you need to do things on your own, but people like me, I couldn't. I needed someone in my corner and basically help me raise myself. I had to reteach myself many things and still doing so, and he has helped me. He shown me what pushing through is and no backing down, he won't believe he's done this for me but he did.

I think this is a letter to my younger self. A hoorah for living on and fighting back the bullshit the world has thrown to us. The memories of the past, good and bad, have came and would be washed away again. The person we've wanted to be as a 16 year old person, the person we needed when we were younger, we did become. We never had a role model or anyone to look up to that wasn't family. The only person that we did, we became into a part of. Our uncle would be so proud of us and knew we were on the right path that we needed to be on. We don't care of other's opinions and do what makes us happy. We fought for our image and our place. We work hard for our apartment and the love from people we have under our wing. We can get emotional and a bit judgemental, but we know that we aren't that person and it will pass. I'm proud of the steps we've done. I'm finally proud of myself and can feel it.