Yoga Class

A man tries yoga for the first, and possibly last time.

“Class, we have a new student here tonight. Cindy has brought her boyfriend Mike to try yoga for the first time. Let’s make him feel welcome.”
The twenty women in the class turned towards me and applauded politely, and I got a few cheerful welcome mikes. I smiled and nodded. The things I do for love.

“Okay,” the instructor said. “Let’s start out with our sponge position.”

They all lay flat on the floor, and I copied them. Okay, that’s not so bad.

“Just relax and breathe. Let your tensions flow away.” Relaxing and breathing, yup I can handle that, although it would’ve been easier to relax without that annoying recorded zither music playing. Really, why do people think a deformed guitar is so spiritual?

“Now, let’s transition into backward plank.” I followed along as they put their hands behind them, fingers pointing towards the feet, and pushed up, so only our feet and hands supported us. I’m not sure my arm’s supposed to bend that way. In fact, my shoulders were making the point that this was not a good idea, but I gritted my teeth and held it. The things I do for love.

“Good,” she finally said after what seemed an eternity, but was probably only a minute or two. “Now we’ll move to a forward bend.”

They sat flat and bent forward to put their heads between their knees. I followed along, the crackling of my spine almost drowning out the zither.

“Now, forward facing dog.” That involved lying flat on your stomach, then pushing up your upper body. That was easy enough.

“Now, downward facing dog.” That involved getting up on your hands and feet, with your butt pointed in the air as high as it would go.

“You have got to be kidding me,” I muttered out the side of my mouth to Cindy.

“Come on, just do it, you big baby,” she said with a grin. I sighed and assumed the position, feeling any vestiges of dignity draining out of me. The things I do for love.

“Good. Now let’s transition to warrior 1.” This was a sort of lunge position, with the hands held straight above the head. Why a warrior would have his hands raised in surrender is beyond me, but I suppose there’s some deep spiritual meaning behind it.

“Now warrior 2.” That’s basically warrior 1, but with the arms parallel to the floor. Still not sure how the warrior bit fits in, but whatever.

“Now let’s go to a forward fold.” That involved standing straight, bending down with your head touching your knees. Nope, that was not going to happen. I got as close as I could and tried not to pass out.

“Now let’s go to a plank.” That’s just what it sounds like, basically the push up position with arms fully extended. Not a problem, I do this at the gym.

“Now side plank.” That was a bit trickier. I had to turn sideways and support myself on my right arm, with my left arm straight above me.

“Now one-legged side plank.” For that one, I had to lift up my left leg to touch my left hand with my foot. It’s at this point the laws of physics, specifically the law of gravity, decided to team up with my lack of coordination. I fell over backwards, crashing into the woman to the side of me and knocking her to the floor.

“Sorry, sorry,” I said as I got to my feet and reached down to help her up.

“It’s okay,” she said, laughing as I helped her to her feet. “You actually lasted longer than we thought you would.”

“I did?” I saw all the other women looking at us, and grinning. Most seemed to be trying not to laugh.

“Sure,” she said. “All beginners fall eventually.”

I looked over at Cindy, and she just grinned and shrugged. The instructor called out the next position, and I took a look at the clock. Another half hour of this. I shook my head and got back to it. The things I do for love.