This is where I rot - 28.09.2025

These are the bits of me I don’t say out loud. Some of them make no sense. Also TW

Sooo, before we go into today's mental breakdown, I just found out, y'all actually left reviews on my shitshow writing. WOW, I had no idea someone actually read these. I am fairly new to writing.com and had no idea what those emails meant, and/or how to check the view count.

Let me first of all say, thank you. Second of all, I really appreciate your feedback. Some of you all pointed out the profanity as not an issue, but if I were to clean it up, and be polite and all, that would just not be me. I swear, everywhere I go, I am just a profane person. Even at a professional setting, I just drop F bombs and send people to South. Sometimes I will cuss like a pirate when my mind is all over the place, sometimes it will be more subtle.

Journaling definitely is helping in a lot of aspects of my stomach issues, and also is clearing a lot of things about me, like the things I do not say out loud, so I am kinda reintroducing myself to myself if that makes sense.

With that said, let's go into my rant.

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So, I woke up hungover, got drunk 2 nights in a row. Today was also a field day, and it was nice. I actually connected today with an old colleague. He also divorced. I guess Mercury is in the microwave. We had a nice talk, but we both founf out we need to lock the fuck in for the winter ARC. I need to lose weight to get my old shape back. I was not muscular, like a David Laid form, but I was toned and has a nie biceps, maybe also quads. Maybe we can say I had a Twink jail of legs. Fuck, those were the times.

Anyways, I am drinking tonight as well, while watching Twitch. My throat is feeling a bit achy, but I bet those are just my tonsil stones acting up.I am working late as usual, planning one of the site openings. It should be fine, but still having my usual doubts. A little bit of healthy stress is fine, to make sure things will fall right into their place where they should.

Anyways, I ate a normal lunch today, and guess what, I did not throw up. That is a leap forward. It was a pinto bean cheese quesadilla with sour cream, and it was sooo fucking good. So after lunch, we finished all the projected tasks we had to do today, most of the time was taken up by some random task that could have been done in under 5 minutes, but we fought over it for like 2 hours.

As per usual, I needed something, and guess who wrote back in the group chat? The guy who friend-zoned me. Fuck I was praying he wouldn't text me, but he did. I feel so ashamed for falling for him and then also confessing it to him. Why am I like this? Fuck my head hurts just by thinking about it.

Anyways, I have no choice but to go over to his department and talk to him, since he has something that we need over here. First of all, I could not look into his eyes. Second of all, before I arrived, he was already texting me where I am, cuz my coffee is going cold. On the clock, it is 11:11. OOOHHH. Fuck that. So I do not even look him in the eyes. I just bash in to the warehouse and grab what I need. Load it in my car, and I fucking wanna leave. I am afraid I can't control myself and will just randomly tackle and kiss him.

He actually asks if we are gonna have a cig. Well, I sit down to a random crate in the back and light a cig. Facing the concrete. I feel ashamed of myself. Why am I like this?

Anyways, we are talking at all, but from my end, it is a shallow, OK, right, sure, type of answers to his questions. He actually did put in an effort to communicate but, IDK, I have no idea why I was like this. Guess, since my plan did not work out, I have no idea how to proceed in this conversation. Guess, according to my original plan, we would be married by now. Well, not really, but at least going steady, you know?

Random colleagues come and go, and they engage with him/us, but I am there just like a piece of shit hiding in the grass. Whatever. When we finished, I had the urge to go in for a hug, but I gave up on that. I am kind of OK with that, that for now I won't have any human contact with someone else, like physical human contact. Not like I would not have the chance, but I just don't let anyone near me, both mentally and physically. I don't like it when someone touches me, or when I randomly touch someone. Like when I go to the hairdresser's, or get a massage, I choose that, I want that. But when someone just randomly, without warning, touches me, EW. I can't control that, I have no idea, but still do not like that. Or when someone touches my food. Eww, don't want it anymore. I don't get how mothers eat something after their baby. I would just throw up right there.

Anyways, we did text after getting the parcel, I thanked him for still keeping in contact with me. He explained the situation. He is not looking for anything right now. I won't go into detail about why it is like that, but he did explain. Nice to know the reason. Never said he does not want me, or he does want me, but now I know what is behind the curtains. Trying not to live in the "I can fix him delusion, but we will see what will happen.

Anyways, remember the coffee I had earlier, I was not that bad after it. Almost like if me doing this daily journaling word-vomit stuff, helps me process some traumas I went through, like as if this is some kind of medicine I am having right now. Maybe if I continue like this, I will feel much better.

But the question remains, where is my husband? Like I know in the RAYE video the bible says "FIND YOURSELF & LOVE WILL FIND YA", but how am I supposed to find myself, when I am myself with someone to cuddle? I am used to being hyperindependent, but somehow I need a tag-team partner, you know? When I am washing the dishes, someone walks up behind me, hugs me from behind, and kisses my neck. Gosh ,I always did that, but no one did it to me. Maybe it is because I am not muscular enough? The physique would deffo attract more people to want to fuck with me, but will it help find a partner?

Echo out.