Relapse

Falling back into old patterns and habits

My truth isn't consistent
I am constantly changing against my will
My perception can change from minute to minute
And I want control

Falling into this borderline dangerous safety net keeps me grounded
I know with each use there's a chance of regret
But the instant relief and calming of anxiety trumps any other thought
I sit behind a locked door and let the waves crash over me

My tools are carefully hidden away
There for me but away from searching eyes
I look fine to you and cover any physical traces left behind
You notice the quick change from sad to calm but no one asks about that

I want to quit
I think anyway
But life is so much easier with the escape
And the risk brings in an element of fun

Maybe one day I'll replace it

But for now I'll black out behind the locked door

Until the wave of calm drowns me