Review

How I deal with a negative review

         I have always felt that reviews are beneficial when done to help the author improve their writing. When I opened my email today, I saw someone had reviewed something I had worked months to finish.

         As I read the comments, my enthusiasm turned to shock. Not only did they not like it, but they also thoroughly obliterated my confidence in writing.

         I want to share with you my feelings:

Stage One: Denial
As I read the review, I thought, "Surely they are getting this confused with another person. An illiterate Neanderthal or crazed chimpanzee. My writing is above reproach. I have seen people cry with joy as they read my work. One person went as far as to shred my story so no one else would copy my genius.

Stage Two: Anger
As I delved deeper into the review's meticulously savage prose. "The plot holes were so vast," the reviewer began, "you could pilot a fleet of actual aircraft carriers through them." And later: "The characters possessed the emotional depth of a damp sponge, and the dialogue felt less like a conversation and more like a fever dream narrated by a very confused parrot."

A volcanic eruption of indignation replaced my denial. "A damp sponge?! My protagonist, Captain Coralia, experienced profound existential dread after losing the Band-Aid on her left pinky finger! Is that the act of a damp sponge?! And 'fever dream narrated by a confused parrot'? Tell me, does 'Beware the lemon lumps lying listlessly!' sound like a parrot to you? A wise, poetic parrot but confused? NEVER!"

Stage Three: Bargaining
As the initial fury began to fizzle, a new, insidious thought wormed its way into my mind. "Okay, what if... what if they have a point? Not about the damp sponge, obviously, but maybe the plot was a little... porous in chapter four? The part where the lemon was really an apple and the character slightly overreacts?"

"What if I just... re-upload a slightly tweaked version? A director's cut where I hallucinated, induced by the bandage that was wrapped too tightly. Would that negate the 'plot hole' accusation? Or, if I respond to the review with a paragraph-by-paragraph rebuttal, defending every creative choice with scholarly precision, might they retract it? Or at least upgrade it to one star? One star is a five-star review in disguise, really."

Stage Four: Depression
The bargaining gave way to an existential gloom that settled over me like a hefty, wet blanket. The bright, whimsical world of Lackluster Lemon now seemed like a foolish, childish fantasy. "I'm a fraud," who merely drooped slightly in response. "My words are meaningless. My dreams are dust. My lemon went sour."

Maybe I should have pursued something more stable? Accounting? Taxidermy? At least taxidermy dealt with actual dead things, not the metaphorical demise of one's artistic soul. I envisioned Lackluster Lemon being used as a coaster for lukewarm coffee, its pages dog-eared and its vibrant cover art obscured by ring marks.

Stage Five: Acceptance
I hadn't eaten since breakfast, and even that felt like a lifetime ago. As I walked to the kitchen, I caught a glimpse of my reflection in a framed picture of a grumpy-looking narwhal. I looked utterly ridiculous, with the word 'LOSER' written in permanent marker on my forehead and my just-shaven head looking like a patchwork of tic-tac-toe, "' A crazed chimpanzee.' Maybe there was one line in chapter six that sounded a bit like a chimpanzee, trying to describe a particularly alarming pineapple." My review wouldn't erase the joy I felt drafting the story, or the thrill of imagining a crazed chimpanzee wearing a topee."

As I opened a new document, the cursor blinked, a fresh canvas awaiting my imaginative fury. The sting of the review was still there, but now, it was just a tiny, ignorable rash. After all, what was a lemon tree-sized disappointment to a writer with other exploits my crazed chimpanzee could do??


In all seriousness, what one goes through when stuck in grief is not a laughing matter. Seek help - family, friends, professional therapy.

You are not alone.

" On Death and Dying," Elisabeth Kler-Ross outlines the Five Stages of Grief.