Hamsters- Those Vile Little Creatures

Hamsters- Those Vile little Creatures

I am a born animal lover. I like all animals great and small with the exception of flies and parasites… I especially love rodents. Rats, mice, gerbils, they’re all good. But among these awesome little creatures there lies a beast. It’s name is the hamster. Now why would I call this vile little rodent evil and dislike it with such disgust? Well I shall tell you why…

The first time I ever held or even saw a hamster was back years ago at a friend’s house. Now no one was with me at the time and I was in the basement looking at their lone hamster whom was the sole survivor of a brutal massacre (it killed it’s own parents and siblings.) Not knowing these gory little details I looked into the cage and spied upon the little gray dust ball sleeping angelically in the corner. I wanted to pet it. I quietly opened up the lid to the aquarium and the little terror woke up and flung with sling shot speed toward my awaiting fingers where it then sunk it’s teeth deeply into the flesh and refused to let go! There I was flinging this little hamster about in the air for 5 minutes when all of a sudden the little hellion let loose rocketed across the room and hit the side of the aquarium with a dull thud and slid down it’s walls. I thought to myself in horror “Oh my God! I killed it!” But in true hamster style it got up gave me the evil eye and curled back up in it’s original sleeping position as if nothing happened!!

OK so you can’t let one bad hamster ruin the reputation of the entire species right? So the next time I had to deal with a hamster it was many years later. My best friend had had this hamster for 5 years and I had never met it, ironically. So the day he went to show me the ‘little old man’ he picked it up and it was solid as a rock. The stupid ancient creature couldn’t even have lived for a few more hours to meet me!

Off to the pet shop to get another hamster. My friend laid eyes upon a few big gnarly looking rodents and thought he wanted one. He reached into cage number one, and the rodent bit him and wouldn’t let go. He reached into cage number two and the same circumstances set forth. On the fifth cage he picked up a big long-haired blind white hamster and it doddled around in confusion. He bought that one.

In the car on the way home we named him CD, short for Cave-Dweller since he was blind… He wasn’t only blind he had no eyes!! I learned just recently this is just a kind of birth defect but I still see pet shops purposely breeding the poor things.

CD was the coolest hamster there ever could be. Of course I knew the only reason he didn’t bite was because he was blind and couldn’t see his target. Poor little CD also had suicidal tendencies. You see his impaired vision led him to walk or even jump off cliffs, for instance he’d try free-flying off your hand and land with a thud on the floor. This hamster could do arboreal flips!

CD unfortunately died maybe a year or two later. It was at that time I met Sleepy; my dear cousin’s evil pet. Sleepy was smarter than the average hamster, he knew if he couldn’t bite me he could sue me. As soon as I stuck him in that little ball he first made a flying pass at the cat who jumped out of the way and then he ran as fast as his ugly orange legs could carry him, straight for the stairs! I ran as fast as I could to catch him and caught him only millimeters away from going over the equivalent of a dry Niagara falls!

Sleepy bit, sleepy spit, Sleepy tried to get me in trouble. I don’t like Sleepy. I don’t see how any one could actually like hamsters, their vile ugly cannibalistic rodents that in my opinion make worse pets than a cockroach (at least roaches can’t bite!) But I’ll leave that up to you to decide!