Circus Monkeys -- Chap 2 (R)

CIRCUS MONKEYS
Chapter 2

I woke from my sound sleep suddenly, a cold sweat over my body. It took me a good minute to get my eyes adjusted to the non-existent light and my own racing thoughts. I must have been mid-dream. I could still almost catch the fleeting images of it - Aunt Brenda, a purple car, something to do with brownies and a terrible feeling in the pit of my stomach that I was too late...

"Whew," I said aloud. I had awoken like that almost every night since I had arrived at this god-forsaken circus. I could just imagine myself, in a couple years, having a stroke because of these awakenings. I looked at the clock, 1:54 a.m.

"Uuuuuugh..." I flopped down on the bed, but there was no way I was getting back to sleep. The night wind blew silently through my open window. I took in a deep, long breath while shaking the covers off of me. I stood up and walked into the bathroom.

I was a total wreck. My eyes were still red from my crying (before or during my sleep?). I washed my face, feeling that antsy feeling of 'what do I do now?' crawl into my feet. I paced the trailer. I dug into the half-sized fridge. A pickle caught my eye. Not wanting to wake Dad, I stepped outside. Standing on the top step, I munched quietly. I took in a deep breath, calming my yet-thumping heart.

The night wind was cool - almost a little too chilly. But after that dream, it felt nice. I raised my face toward the sky, feeling the breeze on my cheeks. For the first time in quite a few days, I felt at peace. The mingling scent of hay and cotton candy was becoming a comfortable smell to me, much to my dismay.

I took the opportunity to scan the landscape. Even in the darkness, the shapes were familiar. The security lights clearly illuminated several round tents in dire need of a hosing, their thick red and blue stripes dull with dust. The paths between the tents were worn well. The grass on the edge of thsoe paths, normally coarse, was now covered with a thin, wet dew.

I polished off my pickle. I then wandered in the direction of the animals, purposefully coming up to the camel pen. Most were sleeping, just like I was supposed to be, but a few were up and roaming around. I picked up a little food from the ground, offering it to the closest one. I pretended it was the one from before...Poppy? I couldn't help but smile as its rough tongue scraped along my palm. My smile dropped as I heard a rustle - off to my right and outside of the animal pen.

"Who's there?" I said, keeping a hand on Poppy as some sort of security blanket. My eyes groped the darkness. The objects that I had originally felt were familiar now couldn't have been any more foreign.

"Just me, Josh," Joshua said, stepping closer. He stood there examining me before speaking again. "What are you doing out here?"

"I couldn't sleep," I said. I looked at him suspiciously, "And just what are you doing out here in the middle of the night?"

"Same." He came over and started to pet Poppy. Instinctively, I backed away. I couldn't help it. "Actually, I heard someone out here, so I thought I would come out and see who it was. Sometimes we get vandals."

"A regular circus hero," I said sarcastically. For some reason the dark made it easier for just say what came to my mind. I was so used to walking on eggshells around people lately, especially people I didn't know. It was as though the instant someone knows you're in pain they act so formal and you can't help doing the same in return.

"Yes, I am the savior of this circus!" He laughed as his shadow struck a pose in the dark. I managed a smile and he went back to petting Poppy. I snuck a look at his profile. His silhouette was accented by the coarse, fluorescent light attached to a nearby trailer. I suddenly realized that I had relaxed. I didn't mind him being so close to me. For once, I wasn't thinking about my Aunt, mom, or my goldfish.

"Hey," Joshua started, looking at me, "If you don't mind me asking - did I hurt your feelings the other night?"

So much for not thinking about it.

"Umm..." I said, feeling the tension rise again. "No, you didn't hurt my feelings, I just got to thinking about...my birthday." I ended lamely, not looking up from the ground.

"Oh...I'm sorry, but I just I don't understand," he said with a little chuckle. Tears started to well up in my eyes but I managed to hold them back. I looked up for a split second and could tell he was looking at me.

"Uh," I sniffled and let out a sheepish laugh. "It's kind of complicated..."

"Don't feel like you have try to explain," he said easily and went back to petting Poppy. I looked at his profile again, not bothering to be sly this time. Then it came to me. I really do want to tell him. The thought hit me so suddenly that it made me blurt out.

"It's just that, every year when I grow older someone close to me has to die." I was shocked with myself for actually saying it aloud.

"What?" He sounded shocked but with a touch of sympathy too.

"It's stupid but, if I'm ever going to lose someone close to me, it's going to be on my birthday," I mumbled. He didn't speak for a while.

Oh, why did I even bother? It was a crazy, lunatic notion that I can developed on one of my many self-pitying escapades. Yet, I had already dug myself into a decent hole, so I figured I would go ahead and make it larger. Maybe I could get all the way to China and be out of this place. Or else I could just hide down there.

"Well...you see, it kind of all started with my mom," I said, scuffing my feet on the ground. "It was on my seventh birthday. She died then," I sniffed and looked up, the fluorescent light dimly outlined his eyes. He didn't say anything. I took it as an invitation to continue.

"And...and then, my aunt. She died just last week on my seventeenth birthday." I stopped and reached out to pet Poppy. The camel nuzzled my hand affectionately. There was never a time before when I truly felt so embarrassed. Was there any more of a drama queen in this whole world? "So, I guess I'm a little unstable right now."

"I'm sorry," he said. I gave a little snort.

"You don't have to feel like you need to say that." I could feel him looking at me, but I couldn't stop myself from murmuring the last, bitter sentence. "No words at all would mean the same thing."

"No, really, I am sorry."

I looked up over at him. For a moment felt like he actually did mean it. There was an awkward silence. I shifted my feet.

"I...I better get going back to the trailer," I said and started to walk by him, but stopped half way. "Good night and...thanks. You know, for at least hearing me and my delusions." Then my feet moved quickly before I could hear his response. My cheeks burned, although I refused to ask myself why.

-----

I somehow managed to get back to sleep that night, thankfully. I was awoken, though, by my dad at 7:30 in the morning as he feebly attempted to lure me out of the trailer.

"Please 'Lory? I don't like the idea of you being cooped up in here all day long," he pleaded, and suddenly I didn't like the idea either. I nodded and he instantly resembled a little school boy who just got a brand new puppy. The man had really been a part of the circus for far too long.

It didn't take me long to mosey out of the place with a pair of worn and holey jeans and a plain, white stretch shirt. It was just another practice day, so I wasn't really worried about anyone seeing me. I managed to locate my dad and walked up next to him. He was chatting with a man I thought I had met once, or saw, or, well, I didn't really care how I knew him.

"Oh-ho-ho! She lives!" He gave a great big belly laugh. I managed to crack a smile. He had large blue eyes, a shiny top with tufts of dark gray hair creating a horseshoe around his head, and a slightly larger stomach than usual. It wasn't hard to remember him after he spoke. His name was Patrick and he was one of the clowns. Of course he just wasn't in makeup at the moment.

"So, how are you feeling?" He asked, turning off the jokes. I shrugged, sticking my thumbs in my belt loops. In his eyes I could see some compassion, but I wasn't going to look for too long.

"I'm okay," I replied, but my attention was caught by movement behind him. I looked behind Patrick and there Joshua stood, waving. I smiled and gave him a wave from my hip. He jerked his head toward the Big Top and raised his eyebrows in invitation. I nodded as he turned to go inside. I finished chatting with the clown and went over to where Joshua was practicing.

As I entered the large tent I was instantly submerged in everything circus. The only lighting in the shelter came from colored stage lights and the natural light filtering in through the "doorways", which were just flaps of tent tied back with thick rope. The air was fuzzy from the sawdust. I slid my way through various performers to where Joshua was just completing a forward flip.

"Wow," I said, truly amazed.

He laughed. "What are you talking about? That's just my warm up!"

My eyebrows shot up; that looked dangerous enough for me. Then again, I didn't even like to swing high on the swing set, although it didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out why.

He walked off to grab a hanging rope from the ceiling as he shed his practice t-shirt, revealing a close fitting suit.

Not too shabby... I thought. I then mentally slapped myself. What are you talking about? Sheesh Lory, get a grip! I lowered my eyes. I raised them just to time to see him climbing up the rope with ease. I swear, my jaw almost dropped to my knees. How does he do that?! He's like a monkey!

I watched him wrap his leg around the rope, and then simply let go. My heart caught and I gasped. A sudden fear hit me, which took me flashing back to my seventh birthday. The lights, the sounds of the crowd that began with admiration and quickly turned to horror. I reeled as I realized I was standing in the location where my mother plummeted. I felt like I was going to be sick. I saw Joshua looking down at me, smiling, right before I turned around and quickly walked to the door.

-----

I stayed in the trailer for the rest of the day, but my dad didn't come in to pressure me. He apparently thought my presence that morning had been enough. But someone else did come knocking on the door later. I flushed with embarrassment. Joshua had changed out of his practice clothes and now looked like a regular person in jean shorts and a T-shirt.

"Want to go see Poppy?" He asked. I walked out the door without responding. As we strolled slowly, he began to speak.

"Umm - "

I cut him off. It would just be a lot easier if I explained.

"Do you know how my mom died?" I asked bluntly, ceasing all movement. I turned to look at him as he shook his head. I sighed, there was really only one way to reveal the information and it wasn't easy.

"She...she was in the circus with my dad. They were the Dan and Deb act." Realization dawned in his eyes.

"Oh my gosh," He said softly. "Your mom was Deb?" Tears began to brim in my eyes. I nodded, closing my lids and putting my chin to my chest. That was why I was so surprised when I felt warm arms wrap around my back. I let out a choked sort of sob and returned the hug. It didn't last long, and the first moments after letting go were awkward, to say the least. Still, he gave me a reassuring smile, which I managed to return. As much as I didn't want to admit it, the hug meant a lot. The boy didn't even know me, but he was willing to go the distance.

We continued our way to Poppy, and he started talking. "I had always thought Dan was just your uncle or something. I guess I never realized he was your dad." I gave him a head gesture, to show that I heard. He went on.

"I guess it makes sense now, it has been, what, ten years? And you had said before on your seventh birthday..." He trailed off, obviously worried that I would go into tears again, but I only nodded.

"I was living with my aunt. But just a week or so ago..." I, too, trailed off. We got to the animal pen and petted any creature that came near while we talked. We managed to get off the subject of all the deaths in my family, and onto more cheerful things.

I did make sure to mention why I had left when he was up on the rope. "It just scared me, that's all. I'm sorry I zoomed out of there, but coming back to the circus has been really hard for me," I said weakly, but he nodded with full understanding. I smiled. Perhaps it wasn't just the darkness that had made it so easy to talk with him before.

Maybe I can actually survive here after all.


"Circus Monkeys -- Chap 3 (R)"