Jam

Acura Integra – Gray, coupe.

I just want to get home. What a terrible day at work. My couch, I want to sit on my couch, for just ten minutes. No, thirty minutes. I see from my mechanic’s colorform thingy on my windshield that I’m overdue for an oil change. When am I going to set aside the time for an oil change? I’ll have to go in late to work next week to take care of it. Now to remember to call and make an appointment. Is this highway only fifty-five miles per hour? If I get pulled over I’d get charged for driving twenty-five mph over. That’s just great. Let’s just hope I don’t get pulled over. I need to drive 80 to get home in time. At least there’s no traffic. It’s a sunny warm spring day, and there’s no traffic. Hey look, the birds are flying north now. Neat. They’re going home. I want to be home. Holy Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit! That guy in front of me just slammed on his brakes for no reas... oh hell, a traffic jam. Just what I need. Oh quick, think quick! Which lane looks like it might be moving the fastest so I can land in it before I’m stuck in the grid lock? Left? Right? No, left, definitely left lane. Blinker left so they know I’m cutting them off over there. Success. Left lane, made it just in time.


BMW Z3 – Twighlight Blue, convertible roadster.

I love my car. I look so good in it. The sun is shining on my golden highlighted hair, glimmering off of my new sunglasses. It’s so good to be me. Others may think that this traffic jam is a bad thing. Me? No, I think of it as an opportunity to practice flirting. It’s extra time to look at myself in the rearview mirror. Hehe. Damn I look good. And think of all the women in all these other cars. This is a great chance for me to practice my ne’er-do-care grin. Kelly always melted when I smiled at her like this. Though, she sees it with the left side down, I see it with the right side down ‘cuz it’s reversed in the mirror. I wonder what I look like straight on, like without a mirror. Devastatingly handsome, I’m sure. I need to meet some women. I think I should meet as many women as I can. Women know other women. If I meet enough women I should find one that looks really good in this car. I should go to that church downtown. Chicks love church. I will definitely meet women at church. Oh, no, a cloud. My car doesn’t sparkle in the shade.


Buick LaSabre – Green.

HONK! HONNNNNNNNK!!! HONNNNKKKKK!!!
“YOU FUCKING ASSHOLE!!!"
These people think they’re so important. They have no God damn patience. What the FUCK is wrong with all these people?



Volkswagen Beetle – Yellow.

I can’t stand myself. I need a tissue, my nose is running down my face. I can’t stand to be with myself. I’m so alone. This traffic isn’t helping me. Oh, here’s a McDonald’s napkin, that’ll work. It’ll irritate my nose and make it all red and sore, but what do I care. There’s no one at home to look good for. I’m the only one in my office going home to an empty house and it’s taking so long to get home today. Traffic isn’t supposed to be like this so early in the week. I hope it’s not an accident. I’d hate the thought of an accident happening without me being a part of it. It would feel so good to release some of this pain somehow. To scream bloody murder for a reason other people can see. Pain people will understand. They don’t seem to see my pain now. Break my legs up or something. Traction. I want to be in traction. Guilt free time off of work. Lying in a hospital bed, having someone cook balanced meals for me instead of eating cereal every night. Good, the sun’s behind the clouds now. I want more clouds. The fucking birds don’t chirp as much when the sun’s not out. My thighs are so fat. My gut’s fat. My arms are fat. I hit my all time high of a goddamn 130 pounds this morning. No wonder I’m alone.



Honda Civic – Baby blue, sedan.

“Save it for later”
What a great day. Beautiful air. Sun. Clouds. Windows down. Sun roof open. Radio blasting. Oh yeah.
“don’t run away run away run away and let me down”
Great day, great day. Such a great day that I don’t mind all of this traffic.
“2000 other stupid reasons why we should suffer for this”
I love this song.
“we oughta come to a decision on this.”
Ya know, this traffic jam will get me home much later than I should be. Jim will be pissed, but what can I do? It’s a traffic jam, ya know? Hee hee. Not my fault. What can a person do? Nothing. Honestly, I’d much rather be sitting here behind the wheel in this wonderful weather than home taking crap from Jim. Maybe the traffic will stop completely and we will all have to get out of the cars and meet each other. Maybe I could make some new friends. That would be cool.
“Soon or later your legs give way and hit the ground”
The left lane seems to be going slower, maybe I could get over there.
“Run away run away run away”


Chevrolet Camero – Red, hard top.

Stop. Go. Stop. Go. I have to get that bass booster to put behind the back seat. Chicks love that stuff. Stop. Go. Stop. Go. Bored. Bored. Bored. I’m going to be late. I hope Larry fixed the Universal by now. If he didn’t then I’m going to have to do that AND work the front desk. At least it won’t be busy since people don’t come to the gym much this time of year. Stop. Go. I wonder if it’s an accident. I hope so. I hope it’s a car burning, I haven’t seen a car burning on the side of the highway in, like, forever. Bored. Bored. Bored.


Acura Integra – Gray coup.

Oh yeah, yup, the right two lanes are the ones that are moving, sure, yup. Look at them go. Goin’ home to their cozy couches. Damn them.


Dodge Caravan – White.

“Oh please stop crying Susie? Please? We’re almost home. Our exit is next. Just two more miles. Please stop crying. Do you want another cookie? Here’s another cookie. Oh don’t mash it into the back seat. Great. Mash it into the back seat if it keeps you from crying. Let’s play your tape and sing, ok? Do you want to sing with me? Your diaper’s wet isn’t it. Well, there’s nothing I can do about it now. Please stop crying? OK, I’m putting the tape in. Ready? Here we go. Way down yonder in yankety-yank, a bullfrog jumped from bank to bank just because he’d nothing better for to doooooo. Well he bumped his head and fell in the water. You can hear him a holler for a mile and a quarter just because he’d nothing better for to dooooo. Hey, did you know you cry in harmony with the tape? You’re right in key. Yep, you betcha, sweetie-pie. Maybe you’ll grow up to be a famous singer. I can tell you care. I guess if I was sitting in what you’re sitting in I’d be crying too.”


Cadillac – Navy blue, sedan.

“Can you see what the problem is, Edmund? I can’t see anything from here”
“Nope.”
“Oh, I hope it’s not an accident. I hope there weren’t any kids in the car. I can’t bear the thought of children being hurt.”
“Yes, that would be awful, Edith.”
“Heavens to Betsy, Edmund. I hear sirens. It must be an accident. I hope no one’s hurt. Oh, Alice will be worried about us. Do you hear the sirens, Edmund?”
“Nope.”
“Alice cooked all that food for us. I hope she finds out about this traffic back-up somehow so she doesn’t put the food out too soon. Maybe if it’s an accident it will be on television and Alice will know we’ll be late.”
“Yup.”
“Oh dear, if she does see it on television I hope she doesn’t think WE were in the accident. Oh the sirens are getting louder. I hope the people are allright. I hope Alice isn’t worried. I hate making people worry. We should have taken the back roads, Edmund. We’d be there by now.”
“Yup.”
“Imagine if we left earlier? We might have been in the accident. Oh Look at that bad man, trying to get ahead of all of us by driving down the breakdown lane. Who does he think HE is? Can you believe that, Edmund?”
“Nope.”
“I’m going to roll down the window and make him stop. Excuse me, sir? Sir!! Who do you think you are?!”
“Careful for your hand, Edith.”
“DID YOU SEE THAT, EDMUND? The NERVE of that man. What’s wrong with people these days. No one ever made gestures like that in our day, did they, Edmund? Of all the nerve. I never. Can you believe that?”
“Nope.”


Ambulance – White.

“Would these people get out of the way?”
“It’s like they can’t even hear the siren. It’s so loud my ears always ring during our emergency calls. Why don’t people pay better attention?”
“LEFT!! Pull left! Not right!! Gimme the breakdown lane, please people!”
“Ok, you’ve got a straight away. Almost there. I hope it’s not bad.”



Honda Civic – Baby blue, sedan.

Ooo, look at that guy. He’s cute. Look at that bicep. Oop, wedding ring. Figures. Like I had a chance anyway.
“Come on Eileen, oh I swear”


Chevrolet Camero – Red, hard top.

Hey, I can see clear pavement up ahead. Excellent. I am so freaking late. Jerry’s gonna kill me. There it is. It’s an accident for sure. Bummer, no flames. I see no flames. Upside down though. Don’t people realize they hafta keep the greasy side down on these car things? Yup, they teach you that in driving school. Hehe.


Volvo S70 – Brown, station wagon.

“Oh dear god, Sam! Oh dear GOD. No. No. No. Dear God NO! Sam? Sam!!”