The Most Embarassing Contest entry

         During my lifetime, I have made many crafts and items to be used during ceremony's. Being an Indian, we still make a lot of the old time items which include assembly in the old ways. One of those little items, nothing more than a mere pouch, was being sewn and decorated with dyed porcupine quills. To work the quills so that they turn out shiny and lay nice when the work is finished is to take several of them and put them in your mouth to get wet. There is something in the saliva that is absorbed by the quills that makes them softer and easier to work with, not to mention shinier and even when finished. A regular porcupine quill from North America is made up of nothing but calcium, almost like a fingernail, per say. Plus they do contain a natural antibiotic that most do not know about, leaving them virtually harmless to use. The only thing you need to keep in mind is if you dye them, there can be a risk factor there for anyone who is a diabetic, and also the barbs on the end of the quills are something you don't want to get stuck in your fingers.

         Well, I did one better than sticking one in my finger, and so the saga begins. It was one sticky hot evening and I was sitting at my kitchen table minding my own business, all was quiet, unusual since I do own several animals. I was working away and had just stuck about three or four quills in my mouth to soften up while I continued to sew the others onto a very pretty pouch I had promised to make for a friend. Humming away as I usually do, as I have done this type of craft work since I was a small child and always loved working with quills and beads on any type of leather, my mind drifted off into some deep thought. At this point I do not even remember what it was I had been thinking about that was so important.

         All of a sudden, I heard a strange noise. Since my kitchen windows were open and I was facing toward them while working at my table I gasped. Big mistake. As I gasped, wondering what on earth could have made such a noise, I spit out what quills I could, and one made its way down my throat. OH was that a panic attack or what? I quickly found myself choking and trying to get it up as fast as I could, with no luck. My first thought was oh oh, one of the barbs got stuck somewhere in there!

          I grabbed the phone and called the closest friend around that I knew would be home. To my surprise, I could hardly mutter a sound. My neighbor friend was automatically alarmed and flew down the road to see what was going on. By the time he arrived I could not talk at all, and it took everything I had to try to keep from swallowing. I learned that you never realize just how much you do swallow when your not thinking about it. So, right away I wrote down on a piece of paper what had happened. He immediately took me to the hospital, which of course was twenty-five miles away. It was the longest ride I ever had, the whole time I kept thinking to myself that I would just die at anytime and what would the autopsy people think when they removed a porcupine quill?

         We arrived at the emergency room, I then again had to write down what was wrong and completely gave up attempting to speak at all by this time. The nurse at the desk just stared for what seemed like eons before finally saying, "I will be right back, have a seat" No sooner did I sit down than here came a young man covered in blood all over his head. When the nurse returned and he explained what had happened to him, the other Doctors and nurses let out a bellowing laugh from behind a wall. He claimed he had seventeen staples in his head. I just thought to myself "Oh my God, what next?"

          My friend was attempting to help me out with all the paperwork, but before that was even finished, four doctors had called me back to a curtained off room. I found that if you really need to see a doctor fast, swallow a porcupine quill, It seems you do get more than one.

          The doctors conjured around to attempt to pry my mouth open to take a look. They did not believe my story at all. A few moments later a nurse came in with this long tube which was supposed to have some kind of a camera on the end. Now that I found hard to believe, but somehow they did manage to get it down my throat after prying my mouth open and spraying some awful tasting spray in there. They claimed it would numb my throat so they could take a peek. While they jammed this tube down my throat, I could hear in the background, the other young man coming into the curtained partition next to me. They were sure having a good old laugh over that poor fellow. He told them he was working construction and he was below the guy who was using the staple gun. Unfortunately, his head ended up with the staples in it instead of what ever it was they were supposed to be stapling.

         The nice four doctors I had surrounding me at the time got their pictures from the tube they so easily shoved down my throat. Just seeing that tube was enough to send me into another panic attack and the next thing I seen was a syringe of something which was supposed to calm me down because soon, there would be another tube making its way down my throat. And there was. This one was a bit different it had some sort of tweezer type thing on the end of it. Oh! they were determined to get that quill out of there no matter what. The poor fellow with the head full of staples was still howling on and off in agony. My phobia of needles did not help matters either. As soon as that nurse stuck me with that needle, I made a sound unknown to man, quill and all. Soon enough though, as promised, I did get groggy until I seen the next tube with the tweezers on its way. After two of the Doctors and the nurse held me down, the other two doctors helped themselves to snaking that awful thing down my throat. It took them several tries to get a good grip on that quill, but eventually they did manage it and yanked it out with ease.

         At the same time, a Dr was working on pulling out the staples from the guys head next to me, he too was making quite a racket himself. I could not imagine a head full of staples no more than he could imagine some crazy woman with a porcupine quill down her throat, I did not know which was worse. As they all stood around looking at this quill, which of all things was dyed green yet, I heard another burst of laughter between asking me why I decided to dine on porcupine quills for one, and where on earth did I get them. Then the big one hit. "Were you trying to commit suicide?" Well, here I am with a numb throat, half drugged and they are just having a laughing fit over the two of us in the emergency room, not to mention asking me if I was attempting suicide yet. I could not answer them at that point so just shook my head. The next thing I seen was a real nice looking lady stop by from the psychiatric unit to tell me that we should definitely have a talk.

         I could not believe that they actually thought I would choose to die by eating porcupine quills, and do it purposely too. Due to the on going laughter among the staff, and the laughter directed also at the poor guy with the staples in his head, I have never experienced such an embarrassing moment in my whole life. I have done some crazy things before, even been embarrassed and humiliated before, but never anything like this. This whole escapade was just so unbelievable I was too embarrassed to even write down what had really happened. They would not have believed it if I had. As I laid there waiting for the throat numbing spray to wear off and that terrible shot, I just thought to myself, what if they came up with a TV show called "ER's funniest videos?" I am sure that the staple guy and myself would be right up there in the ratings considering we both came into the Emergency room at approximately the same time. Not to mention, they all had their laugh of the night over all of this business.

         I did get stuck with the psychology lady until I finally did come up with a good explanation that she would buy, and could legitimately write down in her chart for safe keeping. As for me? All I wanted to do was just run away and hide, that was the first time anything like that had ever happened to me in my life.

          I had been doing quill work the very same way ever since I was a small child and never once did I swallow a quill, let alone a green one. I still do quill work, I am just a bit more cautious now when ever I hear strange noises in the night. I never did find out what happened to the poor guy next to me with the staples in his head either, but I am sure he lived through it all. As for the staff at the hospital emergency room, I am sure they still speak of that night to any who will listen along with enjoying another good laugh.



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