Broken Heart

For the first time of my life, I can say I know what love is. And for the first time of my life, I can also say I know how it feels to have lost love. Although I knew all the time, this was going to happen, it hurts more than I could ever think of.

We knew from the very first beginning that our relationship was doomed to fail. But there was, and there still is, kind of a tension between us. Despite the difficulties which were involved, we confessed we both liked each other. So we started to see each other besides our usual contacts.

And that was weird for me. Very weird. I couldn’t believe what was going on between us. I couldn’t believe it, because it was so… so… Because it felt so normal. Not that it wasn’t special, in contrary! But it just felt like it supposed to be this way. It was so natural.

And that was at the moments we were together. But at the moments you weren’t close to me, or you did were close to me, but we had to act like nothing was going on and kept our relationship a secret, then I had doubts. So many doubts. Then I realised you and me had no future together. Our love was forbidden. That’s why we kept it a secret for the people around us. Nobody would understand us. Everyone would have his or her judgement about our relationship. They would think we were crazy. What we had together would not be excepted.

But that shouldn’t be a problem when there’s true love between two people. The biggest problem was, specially for you, that there was that big difference between us. I could live with it, because I cared about you so much. But for you, with your earlier experiences, it was really a problem. And deep in my heart I knew you were right about that problem. But love makes blind.

Then you decided to break up. Although I knew that was the best thing to do, I arranged a conversation. And instead of breaking up definitely, we came back together. Even more intense than before. The problems were still there, they would always be there, but we just couldn’t deny the love between us.

So we stayed together, but you assured me we never could have a normal relationship like normal couples have. The problem with the difference was just too big. We just decided to enjoy the moment as long as it would take. I believed we couldn’t ignore the fact that we liked each other that much. And we did enjoyed it. It was a great time for me. And for you, I hope, no, I know.

But it didn’t became easier. Our relationship was still a big secret and knowing it could end any moment brought me a lot of tears. I also had my doubt about your love for me, because you never let me know you cared about me. I now assume you wanted more than you allowed yourself. And you knew it would make it harder than it already would be, when we had to break up, if you had told me you loved me. And hurting me was the last thing you wanted.

But you did anyway. You took the best decision. You ended our relationship before it would become too serious. You’ve told me there’s another woman in your life now. A woman without that big difference. A woman with who you can have a normal relationship. Only something inside me doesn’t believes that. I’ve got that feeling this was just a good excuse to end all this.
Anyway, whatever is true, I know this is the best for both of us. Better stop now to prevent worse. But it doesn’t make the aching less. It hurts a lot. It’s just now that I realise I really loved you, that my feelings for you were real. And I miss you a lot. I never can feel your arms around me. From now on, when I see you, I know I can never touch you again. And that hurts. It will be difficult, seeing you every week, knowing what happened between us won’t go away so easily. That special feeling we both have, will exist, maybe forever.

Somewhere I still have a foolish hope you cannot forget me, that you’ll keep thinking of me and still want me. You probably will, but you wouldn’t surrender yourself to those feelings. And that is a wise thing to do.

I’ll just have to forget you. Well, forgetting you would never happen, I just have to get over you. This will take long, because I discovered after breaking up how much I loved you. But there will be a day when I can say: I’m over you and it doesn’t hurt anymore. For now that seems to be unbelievable, but it will, I just know that.
Until that day comes, I will cry a lot of tears and miss you so much that it hurts badly. And I hope it ain’t easy for you too. It probably isn’t easy for you either. Because I know you had deeper feelings for me than you admitted to yourself.

I need to get my broken heart back together now and get over you. But I’ll never forget you and our time together. You were my very first love and I’ll keep those beautiful memories in my mind forever. You broke my heart, but I know it was an act of love. You never wanted to hurt me, so you took the decision before it would be even worse. You did it because you loved me and I always will love you, my very first love.