Make Mine HELL..

He jumped from the top of the skyscraper. As he fell, his clothes flapped in the wind and his hair flew in every direction but he did not scream. Many thoughts passed through his mind. He’d heard the expression, “my whole life passed before me”, but this did not apply to Allen.

His early years were filled with hope and promise but after turning 25, he was fraught with disappointment and failure. He felt like he was just another loser. He no longer wanted to live. Life is overrated anyway, he thought as he saw dark windows passing by just inches away from his flight path. He thought about the expression, “eat shit and die”, and felt a certain humor in it since he escaped the “eat shit” part.

He tumbled end over end for a bit but finally settled into a kind of diving position that enabled him to see his landing area very clearly. It was an ordinary sidewalk like any other in the downtown area. He had chosen this particular building because he worked in an office there and had explored on lunchhours and breaks until he found a way to access the roof without being seen. It was about 10 o’clock at night so the city was well-lit but Allen saw no passersby to witness his last act.

For the first time in months…no…in years, he experienced a real clarity of mind that seemed to make a certain sense of what it had all been about. There had to be losers to offset the winners. He was in fact fullfilling a destiny that had been decided long ago. Had he not lifted a finger throughout his entire life, it still would have boiled down to this place…this moment…this act. Oh, he had struggled to be a winner…there was no doubt about that. It was a soothing thought to think that he had merely been an actor on the great stage Shakespeare had spoken of. His part had just been that of a loser. Having tried so hard to win is what made his loser part stand out. He was probably being applauded by his audience in the great hereafter somewhere at this very moment. He could envision a standing ovation. Perhaps there would be awards for the best part.

The ground was coming nearer now but he couldn’t see the cracks in the sidewalk yet. It was funny that his velocity seemed to stay about the same. Falling from the top of a skyscraper took a long time. At least there was no effort involved. It was actually very easy, he considered.

With only another 100 feet to touch-down, Allen suddenly passed through a dark cloud that appeared from nowhere. “What the hell is this?”, called out Allen as his descent seemed to slow. He suddenly had a sensation of landing in a giant baseball glove but found himself sitting in a very comfortable armchair. His surroundings were dazzling, like that of a really first-class hotel or casino. Beautiful women passed by and smiled sweetly as they went about errands. Classy music played in the background. Whatever this was…he did kind of like it.

“Welcome, Allen,” said a soothing baritone voice. Allen looked up to see a man that was a dead-ringer for Vincent Price. Allen said, “Vincent…” “Oh,” interrupted his host, “I’m not really Mr. Price, we would have loved to have had him here, but he went to that other place….but we’re very pleased you could come.” “Where am I?”, asked Allen. “We like to call it our little welcome wagon.” The host smiled. “Actually it’s a kind of experimental thing the boys put together…something to give worthy recipients like yourself a little thinking time before they make their last commitment.”

“So what do I do now,” asked Allen. “I mean, do I get to choose between Heaven or Hell or something like that?” “Well…not exactly,” explained the host. “There is a choice you may make but it’s not between the two. You see, our little rendezvous here is sort of an interview. We are looking for a few good men to fill certain positions of importance in our organization which we enjoy referring to as Hades Forever. Opportunities are quite limited. I take great pleasure in telling you that you are considered to be a choice candidate.”

“So let me get this straight,” reasoned Allen…”I can join you guys now…but what happens if I don’t.” “Oh…I’m sorry but the offer will no longer be available and you’ll have to take your chances.” Now, Allen’s life did flash before him, and he realized that his chances with eternity were about 50/50. “Please, Allen, our time is a little limited here and there is a sidewalk waiting for you,” the host pushed a little.

His decision was made. The host queried, “So what’s your choice Allen?…would you like to join us?” The host was the epitomy of cordiality. “Well…,” hesitated Allen…”Oh, yes…hell, yes!!” The host smiled widely and put out his hand in congratulation, “Hell, yes, Allen…. Yes…..…HELL!!”

As Allen's hand was clasped by the host's, it burst into flame. Allen screamed as he was dragged from the room. Too late, he realized his mistake. Passing through a doorway into a rocky tunnel that led straight down, the host quipped, "I hate to sound boastful, but I am rather proud to be the Father of Lies!" Mostly it's easy he laughed..."Barnum was right...there is a sucker born every minute!"