Of Swans and Ham Shanks

by Tina

         On their first Christmas as a married couple, Ellis and Karin realized they didn't have enough money to buy ornaments, so they covered the Christmas tree in tinfoil. Picking up Teflon, their pet swan, Karin sighed heavily. "Oh, Ellis," she murmured. "Will we ever have the money for a real Christmas?"
         "Actually," said Ellis with a devilish grin, "this year, we do."
         She quirked an eyebrow inquiringly at him, but before Karin had a chance to probe further into this mystery, the door smashed open. Three policemen burst in, guns cocked and aimed at Karin, Ellis and Teflon.
         "We know you stole the Volkswagon," said one of the policemen.
         "You've made a mistake, Officer! We drive a Buick and have never stolen anything," cried Karin, shrinking behind Ellis.
         "Er," said Ellis, looking at his wife sheepishly. "Actually…"
         Karin's eyes flashed daggers, and she stood up straight. "Excuse me, Officers," she said. "I need to have a talk with El-bear." ("Karin!" Ellis hissed. "Not in front of the cops!")
         The two ducked behind their foil-wrapped tree, and Karin began to ream her husband out. "What did you think you were doing, stealing a Beetle?" she hissed. "Aside from the obvious idiot factor, what could have possibly possessed you to get in one of those monstrosities?"
         "Er," repeated Ellis.
         "The point is," continued Karin, "I don't know what you were thinking, nor do I care. However, I have a gift certificate to the Kwik-E-Mart that expires TODAY, and I am not going to let your sophomoric exploits prevent me from getting my shank of ham. Are you with me or not?"
         "Er," said Ellis again, but more firmly.
         "Okay." Their decision made, Karin glanced into the mirror that had been strategically placed on the wall, and used the refractory properties of the tinfoil to make sure that the policemen weren't getting suspicious.
         They were almost at the door when the tree abruptly stopped covering them. Karin and Ellis froze, but Teflon picked the moment to squawk indignantly, and the police officers dropped their doughnuts and once again leveled their guns at the trio.
         "Eep!" Ellis squeaked.
         "Ack!" Karin gasped.
         "Wonga wonga!" Teflon said, running for the discarded doughnuts.
         In unison, the outraged officers fired their guns. One bullet careened through the tinfoil and buried itself in the wall. Another bounced off the mantelpiece and decapitated a plastic cherub. The third bullet, however, was true, and on that Christmas day, a swanling went to heaven.
         Ellis was shocked past the point of "er"dom, but Karin gathered her wits and pulled him out the door. As the officers bent to pick up their doughnuts, she jumped into the Volkswagen (what I do for my gift certificates, she thought wryly) and made for the Kwik-E-Mart.
         "Karin," Ellis ventured, regaining his wits, "won't the officers follow us?"
         "Heh heh," she replied. "Remember how we bought that 24-pack of doughnuts for Christmas dinner? Well, I do believe they'll be occupied for quite some time."
         Her husband sniffed, and she glanced over him impatiently.
         "Is this about that silly swan? Listen, Ellis, Christmas is the season of giving, and Teflon gave his life for us! Appreciate his gift instead of crying over it!"
         "Okay," sniffed Ellis finally. "But I get first bite of the shank."