LOTR in 30 Minutes! --FOTR and TTT

LOTR in 30 mins.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own any aspect of LOTR, save the jokes in this script using those characters. I do not claim any ownership over the idea of a shortened LOTR, I'm sure heaps of people have thought of it before, but this is my own personal rendition for my own amusement. I just thought others might enjoy it too. Please do not be offended if you have written one similar, I am no taking any ideas from anyone else, everything written here is my own, my precious!

BOOK ONE: THE FELLOWSHIP OF THE RING

SCENE ONE: Shire Par-Tay

GALADRIEL [VO]: The world has changed, I can tell, for various reasons since I am immortal, just trust me on this one. We?e a little pressed for time.
There was a big battle. This man called Isildur chopped of the evil Lord Sauron? finger, and his Ring. It was the Ring of Power, one of the bunch that got made and given away to elves, dwarves and men.
So Isildur found the Ring, then he lost it, then Gollum found the Ring, then he lost it, then Bilbo Baggins found it and he didn? lose it.

[As she says this, the scene is acted out. For the last bit, a foot trips ISILDUR and GOLLUM, but BILBO walks around it.]

BILBO: Ooooh, pretty Ring!

[Gandalf comes along in a cart.]

BILBO: Oh, hello gandalf. Are you here for my party?
GANDALF: Yes I am. I?e brought fireworks.
BILBO: Yay!
GANDALF: Soooo, no wellwishers or distant relations today?
BILBO: Nope, but you?e okay. Come on. I feel like bread and butter.
GANDALF: Really? You don? look like it.

[Both walk about 5 steps to party. GANDALF grabs MERRY and PIPPIN by the ears and drags them off, both protesting loudly. BILBO stands on a barrel.]

BILBO: Hello everybody!
RANDOM EXTRA HOBBIT: ProudFEET!

[Everyone looks at him weirdly.]

BILBO: Today I am eleventy-one. It? been a blast. BYE!

[He vanishes. Everybody gasps. FRODO jumps up and runs to Bag End. GANDALF is waiting there.]

FRODO: BIlbo! Wha-
GANDALF: No time to explain (Gives Ring to FRODO) Take tis. It was Bilbo?. You must leave- NOW! [Shoves cape and pack on Frodo] Keep it secret, keep it safe. Come on, Samwise!

[SAM climbs out of a nearby bush, already laden with pack. GANDALF propels FRODO in front of him down the path. FRODO is speechless, hugging his gear. GANDALF gives him a little push.]

GANDALF: Got to Bree. IITS yell and run away as two RINGWRAITHS appear. HOBBITS run to Bree. They knock on gate. GATEKEEPER opens the flap.]

GATEKEEPER: Hobbits! Four hobbits! What business brings you to Bree?
FRODO: We?e heading to the-
SAM: [interrupting] Look, can we make this short? We?e got a lot to get through.
GATEKEEPER: Oh, sorry. [Lets HOBBITS in.]

[HOBBITS go to Prancing Pony. FRODO climbs on the table.]

FRODO:[sings] Hey diddle diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon- whoops!

[FRODO vanishes. Everyone gasps. He reappears in ARAGORN? lap.]

FRODO: Oh, hello. So sorry.
ARAGORN: Are you frightened?
FRODO: Ummm.... should I be?
ARAGORN: Not nearly frightened enough. I know what hunts you.

[SFX: Loud scream of Nazgul. ARAGORN and HOBBITS all run away, chased by RINGWRAITHS. Finally FRODO gets caught and RINGWRAITH #1 stabs him. ARAGORN whacks RW #1 with a stick and he runs away. FRODO pants wheezily. The GROUP turn. GLORFINDEL runs up.]

GLORFINDEL: Hi! So glad I found you!
ARAGORN: Glorfindel, old friend! [smiles]

[LEGOLAS appears and shoves GLORFINDEL, who complains loudly and shoves back.]

ARAGORN: Legolas?? [HOBBITS glance at each other.]
LEGOLAS: Yes, Elrond sent me to find you.

[Both ELVES are sent flying. ARWEN appears, fixing her hair.]

ARWEN: Uugh! ANYWAY! Scene stealers! [kicks ELVES for good measure. They grumble.]
Come on then. [She grabs FRODO and runs off with him. MERRY and PIPPIN wolf-whistle. RINGWRAITHS reappear and scream at her. She turns.]

ARWEN: If you want him, come and claim him!

[RINGWRAITHS step forward and get water thrown over them by ELROND and GANDALF. They walk off to get towels.]

SCENE TWO: Isengard

(GANDALF runs up to SARUMAN)

GANDALF: I?e found the Ring!
SARUMAN: Good Eru! Give it to me!
GANDALF: (gasp) You?e evil now!
SARUMAN: Yes, and you should join us!
GANDALF: NEVER!

[Wizards slap-fight until a big EAGLE comes down and carries GANDALF away.]

SARUMAN: So you have chosen DEATH.

SCENE THREE: Council

[FRODO is asleep when SAM, BILBO and GANDALF come in, lift him out of bed and carry him to the council chamber.]

ELROND: Welcome to the Council of Elrond (that? me!). We?e here to discuss the matter of a certain One Ring.
BOROMIR: Give it to me!
GANDALF: No!
ARAGORN: I am the King!
BOROMIR: Yeah right!
ELROND: So, about the Ring?
FRODO: [jerking suddenly awake] Ihow you.
GANDALF: Well then, Aragorns coming too, and Boromir, Legolas and Gimli too, so there.

[pokes out tongue. LEGOLAS and GIMLI groan and slump in their seats, evilling each other. As each one gets picked, FIGWIT sits up tall, hoping he

[FELLOWSHIP goes up mountain, it snows, they go down again.]

GANDALF: To the mines!

SCENE 5: MORIA

[FELLOWSHIP crash into door and have a pile-up before falling over.]

FRODO: [rubbing his nose] Now what?
GANDALF: Password and enter.
MERRY: What? the password?
GANDALF: Err... hang on. [Pulls out script and starts flicking through] Where are we?

[Everyone groans. GANDALF tries to find the right page, MERRY and PIPPIN play hand-clapping games]

GANDALF: Scene five.... Moria... outside.... passworrrrd, is- MELLON!
FRODO: Hooray!

[Doors open painfully slowly.]
MERRY + PIPPIN: GO GO GO!!! [Hobbits squeeze through the gap and others follow.
EVERYONE: WAAAAH!! [All fall in hole. All but GANDALF climb out.]
FRODO: Gandalf? [Everyone starts searching, MERRY and PIPPIN under very small rocks.] GANDALF!!! [flash of light from hole.]
GANDALF: [faintly] Fly you foooools!!

[Everyone peer over the edge.]

LEGOLAS: Gone into shadow.
ARAGORN: [looks at watch] Can? stop now. We only have five minutes to finish the first book!

[All hurry off]

SCENE 6: LOTHLORIEN

[remaining fellowship run in amongst trees, then a shout comes.]

HALDIR: This way, guys! (clears throat) You have entered the realm of the Lady of the Wood. You cannot go back.

GIMLI: Oh, shut up, elf-pants, we?e running short of time! Do you know how long we have to go? A long way!

[GROUP run off, followed by HLADIR and ELVES They reall GALADRIEL and CELEBORN.]

GALADRIEL: [CELEBORN opens his mouth to speak, but GALADRIEL cuts him off.] Gandalf fell down a hole. He shall be missed. [FELLOWSHIP look sad] The quest stands upon the edge of a knife. Stray but a little, and all is lost. Yet hope remains, while the Fellowship is true.
PIPPIN: Do you have any idea how much time that took up? Honestly, you elves.
MERRY: Shut up, Pippin!
GALADRIEL [ignoring PIPPIN pointedly] Frodo, I?e got something to show you.

[Grabs FRODO? arm and drags him off. MERRY and PIPPIN wolf-whistle. GALADRIEL takes FRODO to her pool. Stands him in front of it and fills it.]

GALADRIEL: Have a look, you might see something.
FRODO: What will I-

[GALADRIEL grabs the back of FRODO? head and shoves him face-first into the mirror, then yanks him out again. FRODO splutters helplessly.]

GALADRIEL: What you saw, I saw too. It was and Eye.
FRODO: [still spluttering] yeah... [gets his breath back] You want the Ring?
GALADRIEL: If I took it, you would have a QUEEEEEEEEN!!!!!.... oh, nah, you keep it.
FRODO: Okay.
GALADRIEL: Good, now run along, you haven? a second to lose!

[FRDOD whistles and FELLOWSHIP run up, then they all sail away in boats.]

SCENE 7: AMON HEN

[GROUP get out of boats. FRODO wanders off. BOROMIR follows him.]

BOROMIR: Hello, Frodo.
FRODO: Hello, Boromir.
BOROMIR: Give me the Ring!
FRODO: No!

[BOROMIR chases FRODO crying ?ive me the Ring! Give it to me!?until FRODO turns around and kicks him in the shins, then runs off. BOROMIR pouts. Cut to ARAGORN.]

ARAGORN: Where? Frodo and Boromir?
LEGOLAS: Oh no! Where did Frodo go?

[MERRY and PIPPIN run off, yelling for FRODO. GIMLI and LEGOLAS go too. SAM follows ARAGORN, then changes his mid and runs back down again.]
[FRODO pushes out a boat. SAM comes tearing down the hill and jumps for the boat, but he misses. FRODO pulls him on board.]

FRODO: Iave them, but gets shot. LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN arrive just too late to see MERRY and PIPPIN get carried away. They survey the scene.]

ARAGORN: Oh, bugger.






BOOK TWO: THE TWO TOWERS

SCENE 1: EMYN MUIL

[FRODO and SAM walking over rocks. GOLLUM jumps an SAM, FRODO threatens to stab him, the HOBBITS drag GOLLUM away.]

SCENE 2: LOWLANDS OF ROHAN

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI run across grass.]

SCENE 3: ORCS/

[ORCS carry MERRY and PIPPIN across screen, PIPPIN drops his leaf brooch.]

SCENE 4: EMYN MUIL

[FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM walk across, GOLLUM is whining loudly.]

SAM: Oh shut up, you make more noise than bloody Pippin in the bath!
GOLLUM: MWAAAAH! Maaassster!
FRODO: Shut up and take us to the Black Gate and I’ll be nice to you.
GOLLUM: Okay!

[They exit.]

SCENE 5: ROHAN

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI run on. ARAGORN stops and picks up PIPPIN’s brooch.]

ARAGORN: Not idly do the leaves of Lorien fall.
GIMLI: Yay! They’re alive!

[They run some more. EOMER and ROHIRRIMride up.]

EOMER: What’re you doing?
ARAGORN: Chasing Orcs.
EOMER: Well, you’re too late, we killed ‘em all and burnt them too.
GIMLI: Even the hobbits?
EOMER: Probably.
ARAGORN: Oh, bugger.

SCENE 6: FANGORN

[MERRY and PIPPIN are dropped. PIPPIN looks around.]

PIPPIN: What’s makin’ that noise?
MERRY: The trees, the trees are movin’!
Pippin: They are???

[An ORC looms over them, they scream. Suddenly the ROHIRRIM run in and kill all ORCS. MERRY and PIPPIN run away into trees.]

PIP: Oh dear! I hope they’re all dead.

[They climb a tree, suddenly it moves.]

MERRY: Uh oh.
TREEBEARD: I am an Ent. What are you?
MERRY: We’re hobbits.
TREEBEARD: Never heard of them before.
PIPPIN: Well, we’ve never heard of Ents before, so now we’re even.
MERRY: Can you help us defeat Saruman?
TREEBEARD: I don’t know. I’ll call an Entmoot and ask everybody.

[Goes HOOOM HOOOOM very loudly. MERRY and PIPPIN look at each other. MERRY shrugs.]

SCENE 7: ROHAN AGAIN

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS and GIMLI are sitting in a row, head in hands, sighing.]

LEGOLAS: Now what?
GIMLI: Dunno Now what, Aragorn?
ARAGORN: Ummmm...

[GANDALF suddenly appears.]

GANDALF: Taadaa!
LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ARAGORN: AAAAHH!!! SARUMAN!!! KILL IT, KILL IT NOW!!!
GANDALF: Stop! I am not Saruman, I am Gandalf, I think.
ARAGORN: You think?
GANDALF: Well, I’ve been through a lot. Is it my fault if I forget a few things? I died.
LEGOLAS, GIMLI: Ooooooh!!
ARAGORN: Sooo, now what, Gandalf?
GANDALF: Merry and Pippin are fine so let’s go to Edoras and help them, hmm?
ARAGORN: Okay. Let’s go.
GIMLI: It’s a long way to run.
GANDALF: Don’t worry, I’ve got a ride.

[Whistles. SHADOWFAX runs up. The four ride away.]

SCENE 8: BLACK GATE

[FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM get to the gate, look at it, look at each other, shrug and turn around.]

FRODO: Now what?
SAM: I dunno. Now what, Gollum?
GOLLUM: There’s always the back door.
FRODO: Okay, let’s go.

[They leave.]

SCENE 9: ENTMOOT

PIPPIN: Where are we?
TREEBEARD: Ent moot. It’s a meeting.
MERRY: A meeting of what?
PIPPIN: Ents! Duh!
MERRY: Shuddup!

[All the ENTS wander down into the dip. MERRY and PIPPIN sit back to watch and wait.]

SCENE 10: EDORAS

[LEGOLAS, GIMLI, ARAGORN and GANDALF ride up to the Golden Hall.]

GANDALF: Look, the Golden Hall at Edoras.

[They ride to door. HAMA comes out.]

HAMA: I cannot allow you in front of the king with so many arms.
GIMLI: I’ve only got two!
HAMA: Funny. Take off your weapons.

[LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN take off multiple weapons. GANDALF take off 1 sword and then clutches his staff for dear life.]

HAMA: Your stick?
GANDALF: No, I’m keeping it.
HAMA: Okay.

[They enter. THEODEN looks up.]

THEODEN: [creaky] Oh! It’s you Gandalf Storwcrow!
GANDALF: It is? [Looks around. ARAGORN gives him a ‘Yes, you,’ look. GANDALF points to self. ‘Me?’ ‘Yes you!’ ‘Oh.’] Yes! It is I! Gandalf! The White!

[Throws off cape. Everyone gasps at dazzling sparkly whiteness. He walks forward. LEGOLAS, GIMLI and ARAGORN engage in pointless combat with random EXTRAS and beat them up. THEODEN rolls around in his chair, groaning. GANDALF points his stick at him and ‘looks’. GRIMA screams and runs away. THEODEN sighs and smiles. EOWYN runs up and hugs him.]

THEODEN: You saved me!
EOWYN: Thank you!
GANDALF: No problem. But things are pretty bad, what with the war and everything. I’ll explain....

SCENE 11: ENTMOOT

[MERRY and PIPPIN are looking decidedly bored.]

SCENE 12: EDORAS

THEODEN: Well, that’s it then. We’ll go to Helm’s Deep.
GANDALF: I’m off then. I’ll come sometime in the battle when it looks like you’re going to lose and save the day.
ARAGORN: Okay. Bye! [GANDALF exits.]
EOWYN: I wanna fight too!
THEODEN: No.
EOWYN: Awww! No fair! [flounces off.]
ARAGORN: Heeey, how’ you doin’?

SCENE 13: ENTMOOT

[MERRY is playing Patience with LOTR playing cards. PIPPIN is dozing against his shoulder.]

SCENE 14: HELM’S DEEP (pre battle)

[ARMY rides in. THEODEN looks around.]

THEODEN: No one had ever taken this fortress while it was held before.
LEGOLAS: That is so reassuring. I cannot express in words how reassured I am.

SCENE 15: ENTMOOT

[MERRY is doing a crossword. PIPPIN is on his back, snoring.]

MERRY: What’s a four letter word of “pardon”?
PIPPIN: [snorting awake] What?
MERRY: That’s it! [continues with crossword. PIPPIN rolls over and goes back to sleep.]

SCENE 16: OLIPHAUNT

[SAM, FRODO and GOLLUM eating. Hear loud noises and go to investigate. GOLLUM sneaks off.]

SAM: [pointing] Look, Mr Frodo! And Oliphaunt! No one at home will believe this!

[Ludicrous pantomime / Duplo elephant. A hand grabs FRODO.]

FARAMIR: What’s this?
FRODO: My shoulder.
FARAMIR: Oh. .... No! I meant, who are you?
FRODO: I’m Frodo, and this is Sam. Who’re you?
FARAMIR: I am Faramir, son of Denethor. Well, I’m afraid you have two choices. I can kill you, OR, I can blindfold you and march you off somewhere secret where no one can save you, and there threaten to take your Ring and cause you to betray your slinking guide, but then let you go because I’m the good son. What’ll it be?
SAM: What was option one again?
FRODO: Hmmm. The Good Son, eh? Isn’t that an awesome movie which stars an extremely talented and handsome young actor?
FARAMIR: Who, Macaulay Culkin?
SAM: No, he means Tobey Maguire.
FARAMIR: Oooh.
SAM: Either that, or the Olsen twins.
FRODO: I MEANT ELIJAH WOOD, YOU DOLT!!!
SAM: Yeesh, Mr. Frodo, anyone would think you actually KNEW this guy, the way you go on!
FRODO: Arg! Imbeciles!

[Pause in which all forget what they’re meant to be doing.]

SCENE 17: ENTMOOT

[PIPPIN is twitching in his sleep. MERRY is singing ‘9999 Bottles of Beer on the Wall’.]

SCENE 18: THE BATTLE OF HELM’S DEEP/

HAMA: [does running commentary of battle with mic and battle going on behind.] The orcs have made a strong start with the ladders against the wall, but the valient defenders seem to be holding out. It’s been going on like this for some time, Simon, I don’t think it’s going to change much.
But hang on a second! There seems to have been some sort of explosion in the defenses, this’ll be a nasty blow for Rohan, who’ve been the underdogs right from the start. This night has not been good for them.
Well, as you can see behind me, Simon, the Rohirrim are pulling back to the Keep, and the Uruk-Hai are pressing their advantage. Now, there have been a lot of rumours going around that Haldir of Lorien is dead, if this is true then it will be a heavy blow for the side of good, but no one seems to be able to confirm this. In fact, some are even saying that there is actually an army of elven archers inside these walls, but there are many objectors to this statement, not the least of which being some guy called Tolkien.
Simon, tonight has been pretty harsh on the defending champions, they’ve had some pretty heavy losses. But here hope is coming with the dawn in the for of a man called Eomer, who is nephew to the King Theoden himself. Now Eomer, what are you planning to do here?
EOMER: I’ve got a surprise back-up army that me and Gandalf have got together- hey Gandalf! [waves to GANDALF, who waves back.] This army is going to swing the tide in our favour, push back the forces of evil and save Rohan.
HAMA: And I’m sure the King will be very pleased. Now you go rally the troops. There he goes, what a fine young man he is too. The army is now pounding down the slopes to save the day, how spectacular! They’re chopping down orcs left, right and centre; Gandalf’s killed two!- and the Uruks are fleeing! But the Rohirrim are after them, and those the Rohirrim aren’t killing are getting eaten by walking trees. Back to you in the studio, Simon.

SCENE 19: ENTMOOT... Still.

[MERRY down to ‘5 Bottles of Beer’. PIPPIN mumbling about not wanting to wear the pink one TREEBEARD finally comes up.]

TREEBEARD: We have decided- Hey! Wake up!

[MERRY and PIPPIN jump to their feet.]

MERRY: ....aaand??
TREEBEARD: We shall fight!
MERRY: Oh good! Because if you don’t then the fire advise goggle spread.
PIPPIN: Eh?
MERRY: I said, the fires of Isengard will spread.
PIPPIN: You did?
TREEBEARD: Come, little ones. We go to war!

SCENE 20: MINAS ITHIL

SAM: I’m so glad we picked option two. I didn’t really fancy getting killed.
FRODO: Mmmm. [stricken] Oh no!
SAM:What’s wrong?
FRODO: Nazgul!

[FRODO, SAM and GOLLUM run away to steps and run up them, getting more and more puffed.]

FRODO: Oh I must rest now.
SAM: I’ll protect you.

[They lie down to rest. GOLLUM sneaks off.]

SCENE 21: ISENGARD

[ENTS have already filled it up with water. MERRY and PIPPIN sit on the edge, watching.]

MERRY: Typical. They miss our big battle scene, don’t they?
PIPPIN: Well, we are running out of time. Helm’s Deep went on for a bit too long, I think.
MERRY: By the way, are we on to ROTK yet?
PIPPIN: I don’t think so. Not sure.

[ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, GANDALF,THEODEN and some ARMY ride up. MERRY and PIPPIN stand.]

MERRY: Greetings.
THEODEN: I am King Theoden. Who are you?
MERRY: I am Meriadoc, son of Saradoc, and this is Peregrin, son of Paladin, Thain of the Shire in the North.
THEODEN: Halflings, eh?
PIPPIN: Nope. Hobbits.
THEODEN: Oh right. Well, I’ll talk more to you later.

[THEODEN, GANDALF and ARMY ride off. ARAGORN, LEGOLAS, GIMLI, MERRY and PIPPIN group hug.]

GIMLI: Where did you come across the weed, you villains?
MERRY: Well, he’s my cousin, so I’ve known him for most of my life, and he followed me here you see...
PIPPIN: Ha ha.

[SARUMAN leans out of his window.]

SARUMAN: Piss off! Piss right off!
PIPPIN: Sticks and stones may break my bones but- That Hurt!

[GRIMA throws Palantir at PIPPIN. PIPPIN flips him off, then goes and pics up the Palantir. He looks in it and screams.]

GANDALF: [running up] Fool of a Took! [grabs PIPPIN and rides away. MERRY pouts.]
MERRY: It’s not fair! Why does Pip always get his way?!
ARAGORN: You’ve still got us.
MERRY: Whoop-de-freakin’-do.

SCENE 22: SHELOB

[FRODO and SAM crawl through a tunnel. They emerge out of the other end.]

FRODO: Weehee! Mordor! [runs out, then squeals.] EEEK!! Icky bug! Arg! Kill it kill it! [he faints.]

[SAM takes the spider away. When he comes back he checks Frodo over, then starts crying.]

SAM: Oh, Mr. Frodo, you’re dead, deeeeaaad! I must go on, in your memory!

[he takes the Ring and Sting. Goes to leave. Squadron of ORCS march on.]

ORCS: Hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut-hut etc

[They pick up Frodo and carry him off. SAM falls down on knees and lets out an agonised NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!]




Head to "LOTR in 30 Mins! --ROTK"  for the last part of LORD OF THE RINGS IN 30 MINUTES!!!