Authority and Submission

This is a general response to the flames I've received in regards to my other article, "A New Way of Life" . Chances are if you sent flames, this isn't going to convince you to live and let live. But it is something I needed to say, and if you've ever been flamed for stating your personal, non-politically-correct, opinions about life, then you will hopefully appreciate the frustrated humor with which I wrote this.

You know, it’s amazing how many notes I’ve gotten from people who tell me how wrong my ideas are, that it’s abusive to let a man be in a position of authority over me, that I’m what’s wrong with society. It’s amazing that in a time where more than half of marriages end in divorce, and where so many women and children fill shelters because they’ve fled abusive homes, and where most marriages that do survive are not happy ones, people say I am what is wrong with our society.

Divorce rates skyrocket, children are destroyed daily by their parents’ hatred for one another, by the arguments that follow, by the gruff words exchanged when the children are dropped off for their weekly visits with the other parent. Finances are destroyed when suddenly two parents must provide not one home but two for their children. Mothers, who often have taken time off to have children, are hurt by their lessened earning ability and the greater need to provide shelter, clothing, and food. Children grow up without any model of a stable marriage, and therefore little idea of how to make their own marriages work. They grow up economically disadvantaged; often their parents cannot help fund their college tuition. They have a lessened ability to finish college and hold a good-paying job. This lowers their kids’ chances of living in a home where there is always enough to provide for needs. Simply by choosing to divorce your child’s other parent, you significantly raise your child’s chance of having a failed marriage and becoming a single parent of your grandchildren.

I don’t know about the rest of you, but this is not my idea of a great society. This is my idea of a society that is destroying itself, and the problem is worsening with each generation. It is made worse by women insisting on being the husband, and relegating their husbands to the position of the submissive partner, which goes against our very nature, against our genetic design. It’s not a good idea to do things which fly in the face of nature‘s design. What I propose is a way of improving marriages, lowering divorce rates, and saving children’s lives and futures, by returning men to the position of authority that they are designed to have, by undoing the things that have caused more than half of America’s children to live in broken homes. Divorce sucks, people. Even if it didn’t affect you financially, or long-term, who in his right mind would choose such a thing to put his child through, knowing there was an alternative? This is why I speak. There is an alternative, for all who are willing to give it a try… and perhaps I’m the only one who believes it anymore, but America’s children deserve the chance to live in a home with both parents. And I am what’s wrong with society? Isaiah was right when he wrote, “Woe to those who call evil good, and good evil; Who put darkness for light, and light for darkness; Who put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!” (Isaiah 5:20). For truly, those who believe good is evil and evil is good have reaped the bitter reward of a weakened society as a result of such wrong and destructive things being taught to our children.

For those who claim I advocate abuse, there is a difference between authority and abuse. Any parent knows that. Laying down the law and punishing offenders is not abuse. And any person who supports any form of punishment for convicted criminals knows that it is not abuse. And yet, when I suggest that perhaps a wife should have an authority over her, it magically becomes abuse. Let it be known that I agree domestic abuse happens, and it is a serious problem in our nation. But every woman who ever obeyed her husband is not a victim. It was not abuse when her parents were her authority. It is not abuse when the judicial system is her authority. Therefore, it is not abuse when her husband is her authority. I always find it interesting, the way some women rebel against the concept of a husband as authority figure. The only people who despise authority and rules are those who wish to break the rules without consequence. Only a woman who insists on doing less than her fair share and treating her husband shabbily would need to worry about having to answer to her husband’s authority. Truly, she does have reason to fear, for she has spent her time trying to destroy him; how fiercely he would have the right to punish. A citizen who commits no crime has no fear of the police. Likewise, a woman who behaves herself has no need to fear punishment.

I always find it interesting that some believe it is wrong for there to be rules for adults in a household. Is it really such a bad idea to divide the chores and expect each spouse to do some of them? Is it really a bad idea to insist that your wife not verbally abuse you and call it an argument? Or, to put it the other way, is it really a good idea to divide up the chores and then have one spouse refuse to do theirs? And is it really a good idea to pick fights and verbally abuse your spouse just because you’re mad? Is it really a good idea to have two authority figures constantly butting heads? Is it really a good idea to constantly demonstrate to a man that his qualities of being detached, unemotional, and logical to a fault, are unneeded in choosing how to run a household? Is it really a good idea to fight with no clear understanding of whose word will be the final one? It means you might win, yes, but keep in mind it also means that you have encouraged fighting by having no clear authority. Kids argue with their parents on the off chance that Mom will back down and they’ll win. If Mom backs down often enough, they’ll argue about everything, in the hopes of getting their own way. It basically makes for a miserable household. We as parents work hard to be consistent and not back down from the rules, because we want the kids to obey authority and not attempt to selfishly rebel against the rules. We want our kids to grow up in a peaceful home, rather than in a place where they have to fight it out for the final word for every little disagreement. Why would we want any less for ourselves?

There are challenges to living as a submissive wife, though. I make no secret of the fact that it is hard. In order for it to work, you have to value your marriage and your children more than you value your desire to run amok. You have to be willing to accept authority. You have to be willing to do chores you don’t like, because it is what’s expected of you. It is not an easy thing, I know. I do it all daily. I do things when I feel like another option would be better. I give my opinion, knowing it might not be what my husband decides. I force myself to put my marriage above my own selfishness. In short, I force myself to be an adult rather than a child. When I was a child I spoke as a child, I thought as a child, I understood as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things. I speak as an adult, respectfully instead of using my words as a weapon to tear others down. I think as an adult, doing what I should even when I don’t want to, and following the directions given me even when I’d rather not. I understand as an adult, seeing the bigger picture of needing to obey my authorities for my own good and for the good of my family, rather than act selfishly and do whatever I want to do at the moment. I don’t do it perfectly, mind you. Daily I fail at this task. Daily I continue trying to set aside my selfish nature and behave as a mature adult. Being an adult is not, as children often believe, all about getting to do what you want. It’s about having the maturity to see that sometimes what you want is damaging to you, and having the strength of character to do what is good for yourself, even when it goes against what you really want to do.

So here’s the challenge for all of you who say it is wrong to support an ordered and peaceful home with rules and a final authority. Grow up. Gain the maturity to see that reasonable rules are a good thing for society, and that punishment for breaking the rules is vital in order for the rules to be respected. Develop the maturity to accept reasonable rules, and the consequences for breaking them. Refuse to continue speaking, thinking, and understanding as a child. And if you honestly can’t handle doing this, then do something else instead. Practice some tolerance and accept that some people actually LIKE the peace and order that comes from having known rules and consequences. Accept that some of us are finding “medieval” ways of preserving our marriages and providing a stable, fight-free life for our children. And for those people, my previous article was intended. For those who decided to tell me how wrong my ideas are, all I got out of it is that “women’s liberation” is not freedom or liberation at all, but rather a prison, requiring me to speak and act in ways that are acceptable to society.

It’s kind of funny, you know, that complete strangers believe I should not be submissive to my husband, but that I should be submissive to them instead. If you want me to submit to your demand that I should fight against my husband instead of obeying him, I will do so. But first, you’ll need to marry me and agree to support me for the rest of your life, in order to earn the right to even try to tell me what to do. And even then, I might follow your orders a little too well, and butt heads and pick fights and call names and refuse to do as you wish.

Please note: In keeping with the point of this commentary (that I refuse to submit to those who say their way is the only right way), reviews or emails of thoughtful debate are welcome and responded to just as open-mindedly as you have been with me. Opinions that I should submit to your belief that submission is wrong are discarded since they are based on faulty logic, and flames will likely be laughed at and discarded as childish. This is said so that you will know what to expect in reply to your comments.

Also, many thanks to those who have disagreed politely with my other article, I have greatly appreciated those who speak their mind and disagree with me, but who haven't tried to tell me how to live my life.