The Devil in Sam

The Devil in Sam

Sam turns over on his back and closes his eyes in anticipation. He feels Noah enter. Sam exhales loudly. The pain stops. Noah continues to thrust in and out. He moans loudly. Sam enjoys hearing Noah’s voice. Noah dismounts. Noah grabs Sam’s left shoulder and shoves him on his back. Noah pushes his mouth onto Sam’s. Sam’s hands move all over Noah’s chest, feeling soft skin underneath coarse hair.

Sam tilts his head back in delight as he feels Noah’s lips on his neck. Sam moves his left hand down the contour of Noah’s side, tracing his waist, hips and thighs. Sam finds the pelvic bone and walks two fingers across Noah’s front. Sam’s fingers find the shaft. He massages Noah gently, but speedily, relying on Noah’s panting for pace.

Noah cries out, “Now you be on top. Enter me.”
What should Sam do?

“Show me,” Sam says as he pulls Noah’s hands onto his hips.

Noah takes out a condom and tears the wrapper off with his teeth. He places the rubber on the tip of Sam’s erect penis. He holds onto Sam tightly has he moves the condom into place. Sam breathes in.

“Come on top of me. Just like I did to you,” Noah explains tenderly, while touching Sam’s face.

Sam’s body is suddenly full of energy. He pushes Noah down and moves on top. When he should enter? He rubs himself on Noah’s back.

“Tell me what you want,” Sam pleads to Noah.

Noah declares, “Come in whenever you are ready.”
Sam enters Noah.

Noah closes his eyes. He masturbates while Sam pushes in and out.

Sam is finished.

When he hears Sam, Noah finishes, also.

Sam rolls over and places a hand on Noah’s chest.

“What do you think?” Noah asks Sam.

“I think I like it,” Sam replies, while laughing silently.

They roll over and fall asleep touching each other.

*******

When Sam was born, according to his parents Lydia and Steven Chin, the devil followed him into the house. The story goes that when Sam was a few weeks old, too small to twist and turn on his own, his parents heard him scream in the middle of the afternoon. When they arrived upstairs to investigate the problem, Sam was bandaged up like a mummy, enveloped by his security blanket.

Grandma screamed as if she saw the Devil himself. Her theory was that the Devil performed this act because the family had not been praying together at night, as they had been before Sam came into the house.

“This is a sign,” she warned them knowingly. So heeding the signal, Sam’s mother went to Saint Theresa’s and brought home a bottle of holy water to sprinkle in every room of the house. They resumed their nightly prayers as a family.

******

Sam wakes up from a deep sleep. It is the first time in a month that Sam has slept through the entire night. He looks around the room. Where is he? He turns over and sees Noah. He remembers.

Sam touches Noah’s face. Is he real? Yes! And he is still here. Sam’s stomach tightens up and turns around. Does this mean he loves Noah?

Sam smiles at Noah’s presence, but is uncomfortable. What should he do now?

Sam lies quietly. He positions his face close to Noah’s. Noah smells like sweat, sleep and aftershave. Sam touches Noah’s face. Stubble on the jaw. Smoother on the cheeks. Sam wants to learn about every part of Noah. He is careful not to wake Noah.

Sam moves around under the sheets, sensing fully the soft satin surface. Noah rolls over and puts an arm around Sam. Sam pauses. He wants to memorize this feeling. He feels cloaked in safety and caring.

Sam looks around the room. Noah, Sam thinks could be a gay poster child. Sam categorizes the gay paraphernalia.

Posters: assorted rainbow, Melissa Etheridge, Elton John, Cher, Gay Pride Weeks 1990-1994 and Human Rights Campaign general.

Pamphlets: GLADD, AIDS Awareness Action Committee, assorted Lambda and various hotlines.

Bookshelf: 30 total--10 social history; 10 fiction; 4 humor; 6 erotic.

Sam doesn’t even own one gay themed book. Should he go buy some posters? Steal some pamphlets?

Sam stomach tightens. The pang worsens.
Sam thinks, I’m not good at anything. I’m not a good homosexual. I’m not even a good Catholic.

Noah stirs and wakes up. He immediately kisses Sam on the mouth. Sam takes pleasure in the feel of Noah’s face on his. He is learning Noah’s smell.

Noah makes breakfast. As they eat, Noah asks Sam to join him at a rally next Sunday. “It’s to raise awareness. It will be a good experience for you. You should immerse yourself in your newfound culture. And it’s a great one at that.” Noah winks at Sam.

Sam smiles and tells Noah he will need to think about it. He doesn’t think he can handle it yet.

Noah reassures Sam by saying, “The faster you throw yourself in…the less painful it will be. Trust me, honey.”

Noah drives Sam back to campus.

******

Since Sam was the only boy in the family, he was the center of attention and the main focus of parental bragging. Sam wanted to be successful; however, he did not want to be too successful because his parents would claim all the credit.

He often envisioned his parents bragging to their friends:

“What does your son do?” his parents would ask setting the trap. The other adults would respond not knowing that whatever answer they gave would not be sufficient.

“Doctor graduated from Harvard?” the friends would repeat in a phony congratulatory manner after hearing about Sam.

“Yes, true, our son graduated from Harvard as Doctor. Ahhh, but went back to school at Columbia and became lawyer. Now he is both,” Sam’s parents would say, their mouths wide with superiority.

The other parents would ohhh and ahh respectfully and bow their heads in shame knowing exactly who were better parents.

“It is because he listens to me,” his mother would continue. “I tell him, no having many friends. No girls. Get A’s and you can be anything. Good English--born this country, I feed him Chinese food, he become success. I tell him this. It is true.”

The other parents would then relay Sam’s story to their own brethren. Sam often wondered if the other children could hate him as much as he despised them.

Sam realized, even then, that he was not an exceptional student. But his parents would accept nothing but the best. Sam didn’t try hard enough or Sam spent too much time reading or Sam thought too much about girls.

His mother would say to him, “We will find girl for you. Do not worry. Already talk to Mrs. Lindo daughter when she born two year after you. Ahh. She is good girl. You know every week she clean the bathroom? That right! Get down on her knee and scrub. She good daughter. Get all A’s. All set, you marry her.”

Sam often wondered what Mrs. Lindo's daughter knew about him.

******

It is noon. Sam siting amd waiting for his best friend Anna. He watches her run into the dinning hall behind him, late as usual. She is a short, wispy little thing, but brimming with attitude.

She tosses her choppy brown hair back. “I was catching up on beauty sleep,” she says as she does everyday.

They sit down at a table facing the steps that lead into the cafeteria. This is people watching central. They quickly catch up on dorm gossip as they casually critique the dress code of all who enter.

“So, where were you last night,” Anna asks him jokingly. “You totally ditched me at the club. What time did you get back to your room?”

“I stayed at Noah’s,” Sam replies as he raises an eyebrow at her.

She screams. “Sam! You devil! You’ve only known Noah for a month! Plus, he’s 27.” She draws out her words tightly. “It took me 6 months before I slept with Josh.”

“I didn’t sleep with him right away. Tonight was the first night we, you know.”

“So how do you guys do…you know. Have sex.”

“Like normal people.”

“But you both can enter? What are you a bottom or a top.”

“Anna! I don’t know. I’ve not done this many times. Yet.”

Anna gazes pointedly at Sam. “You have to give me the dirt.”

“Fine, I think I like the bottom. It’s less work. But I’ll continue to keep you updated, if the status changes, okay?”

Anna changes the subject. “So, Sam. Did you watch last Friday’s cliffhanger?”

“No! Was Jason on? I will be so mad if I missed it. Did you tape it?”

“No, no, no. Jason wasn’t on. But they found out that---get this---Carly is Bobbie’s daughter.” She paused. “Can you believe that, after she carried on that affair with Bobbie’s husband.”

“No way. See, I thought she was just after Bobbie’s family for revenge. I would never have guessed they would be related. Plus, isn’t Bobbie too young to be her mother?”

“Sam. It’s GH world.”

******

Sam watched General Hospital religiously during High School. At three o’clock in the afternoon when his parents were both at work and his grandmother said her afternoon prayers, Sam would sneak upstairs to the TV and watch in low volume.

Sam could count on General Hospital. It was on everyday. He knew the characters. They were his confidantes. These were people who lived life with such passion, as if their lives were going to end the very next day. They didn’t have trivial worries like Sam had about future plans, parents’ wishes and building friendships.

If a character on GH felt like loving someone, they did. If they felt like having chocolate cake in the middle of the night, they could and would. If they wanted to take over the world, clone their sister and marry their best friend’s boyfriend, their confidence would not waver. He saw in them everything that he wasn’t.

“I will not take this from you. Mother,” the soap opera starlet would say while flipping back her long blond hair. She would continue in a low, husky and dramatic voice, “I will take over this company if this is the last thing I do.” She then would storm out of the room and repeat her intent when alone.

She would proclaim, “I promise, as God is my witness, I will make my mother pay. Little does she know that I have already started an affair with her second husband.” She then would laugh maniacally, pleased with her plot. She would flip her hair back again.

Sam imagined himself saying to his mother. “Mother, I am not going to be a doctor.” He would speak slowly, letting every word sink in. “I will be a writer and there is nothing you can do about it.”

He, then, would storm off into the sitting room of the mansion, slam the door and fall into the strapping arms of Armando, the beautiful, but very dim nurse. He would feel Armando’s bulging pectoral muscles against his chest and laugh madly.

“Hah, hah, hah. Little does she know I have a trust fund from a long lost aunt. I will never need her money again. We will be fine Armando. Fine. We’ll take care of each other.” The scene would black out with Sam in Armando’s strong embrace.

******

After resting, Sam decides to catch the early mass at five o’clock, before darkness falls. Mass is a familiar routine. Sam is not sure why he’s drawn to church; but when he enters the archway, he recognizes a sense of belonging. When amid the clean white walls, bright stained glass windows, and pious statues, Sam senses that he is safe and protected. He is positive that someone is listening to him.

The mass itself is pure ritual. Sam stands up, sits down and kneels along with the other patrons. Because he has attended mass every Sunday of his life, Sam is not even aware of the words that the priest and congregation utter. That proverbial language that has penetrated others, remains at rest to Sam.

Sam enjoys inspecting the saints depicted by the stained glass windows. He looks at them to see if they glance back at him. He feels as if they judge him.

Sam steps into the aisle to take communion. As he approaches the priest, his stomach tenses. He is afraid the priest knows. He looks into the priest eyes.

The priest nods at Sam and says, “The body of Christ.”

Sam cups his hand and states, “Amen.” The priest places the pale peach wafer onto Sam’s hands. Sam walks back to his seat.

Sam considers the fact that he is chewing and swallowing the body of Christ. He wonders God wants to even be part of him if he has taken another human being inside of him.

As Sam exits the church, he dips his fingers in holy water and makes the sign of the cross. He imagines the water to burning on his forehead. If premarital sex is a mortal sin, Sam must consider the weight of his sin.

Sam glances at the church bulletin board. Confession is not until Wednesday. If he dies before then, will he still be able to go to heaven?

Sam laughs silently. He has stopped believing in heaven and hell years ago.

******

Sam’s parents claimed his luck changed when he was three months old when an Angel was said to have held him. At this point in his development, he was too young to move very far on his own.

When Grandma had set him to sleep, she placed his head toward the window with his security blanket on top of him. However, Sam was found by Grandma a few hours later laughing and smiling on the opposite side of the crib with the blanket neatly and evenly pressed underneath his body. Grandma attributed this miracle to Saint Christopher, his patron Saint, who she presumed had just picked him up and placed him gently on the other side.

******

Sam arrives at his dorm room, grateful that he has a single. He lies down on the bed and closes his eyes.

The phone rings. Sam answers it. It is his mother. She has called everyday since Sam has been at college. It is April.

“Be sure not go into city by yourself. Is very dangerous,” she reminds Sam.

“I don’t, mother.”

“I just see on the news about murders in city. Maybe you should come to college close to home.”

“I’m fine.”

“How are classes? You study hard? Is why you are there. You get all the classes Daddy pick out with you?”
“Yes.”

“And, remember talk in class. Professor will remember who you are. Professor help get me job when I finish school.”

“I’m doing fine. I can take care of myself.”

“Aya. Do not go thinking this way. Need parents to help you. Remember, no friends really love you. Only parents really love you.”

“Right,” Sam replies feeling exasperated. He keeps quiet.

“Remember I want you to come home next week. We will come get you.”

“It’s too far away for you to come get me. I’ll take the train.”

“No problem to pick up. Train difficult to take. Is dirty. You cannot relax. Yes, I bring food down to you. You can eat and sleep in car. Only take train if no have car. But we have. So is good.”

“Mother, maybe I can come home for Spring Break. I only have three days off for Easter.”

“Sam. Is Easter. You don’t want to spend with family?”

Sam sighed. “But I have work to do.”

“Can do work at home. More comfortable. Already set up. I have priest come over to house to do special mass for you.”

Sam groans. “I’ll try,” he tells his mother. Sam has never challenged her before.

******

Sam heard a lot about Devils growing up, not the ones he learned about in Catholic School, but the American kind.

Sam’s mother often drove through their small downtown area while running errands. She looked out the window of her Volvo at the high schoolers hanging out in front of the CVS at 3 in the afternoon and asked Sam, “Don’t they have homework? What they do standing there waste time like that?”

Sam shrugged and said, “I don’t know. I’m here.”

“When in China, I give anything to go to school. We have no money, but your grandmother hire me extra tutor. See look, now you have Levi Jeans to wear.”

Sam sighed and shifted downward in his seat. Sam knew his mother could talk for hours. He tried to think about homework or General Hospital.
She continued commenting, “American parents not know how to raise their kids. How they not know where their kids are? They not love them?”

Sam dreaded the darkness when he rode with his mother. She would stop her car to see if any of the remaining kids needed a ride home.

******

Sam’s mother hands the phone to Grandma. Grandma gently greets him.

“Hi, Grandma,” he speaks in Chinese.

“Sam, my child. You remember to pray for me everyday, yes?”

“Yes, Grandma. I do.”

“Three Hail Mary’s. You have time for that. After I die, you remember also, okay?”

“Of course I pray for you.”

“And you remember to go to church today.”

“Yes, Grandma. I went to church today.”

“Is good you did not forget what I taught you. You are lucky, yes, to be able to pray when you want to.”

Sam has heard this story many times. “Yes, Grandma. I know I’m lucky to be able to go to school and to be able to be a Catholic.”

“I wanted to be nun. I am still in the lay order. But maybe because I couldn’t be a nun, you may become a priest. Oh, you are such a good boy. I am proud of you.”

Sam cannot interrupt Grandma when she speaks. He does not want to be disrespectful. When she finishes, he tells her gently, “I might not want to be a priest.”

Sam can hear Grandma shaking her head. “You remember Father Sai,” she asks him.

“The one that baptized me?”

“Yes, his two younger brothers are both priests now. I will have them call you.”

******

Before Sam could walk, Sam could talk. He sat on his Grandma’s lap and prayed with her. She claimed that when he was only 13 months old, he could recite the entire Hail Mary and Grandma had the tape to prove it.

When Sam was three years old, he could perform 20 prayers. He had even memorized Grandma’s prayer book and could follow along with his index finger.

Grandma invited priests and nuns over for dinner often. She would have Sam demonstrate his talent. The guests clapped and exclaimed, “What a smart boy.”

They agreed with Grandma that this boy could only be a priest when he grew up.

******

Sam finishes talking with Grandma. He lies down to rest for a moment before starting his homework. He is taking two math courses this semester: Managerial Accounting and International Finance.

He pulls out his textbook for Accounting, highlights the chapters he needs to read on the syllabus and marks those pages in the actual book. He sighs.

Sam calls Anna. “Hey, do you want to come over and help me with accounting? I can never figure out which numbers go on both the balance sheet and the cash flow statement.”

Anna is an Accounting major by choice. She actually enjoys numbers. Anna says to Sam, “Aren’t you supposed to be tutoring me?”

Sam makes a face at her over the phone. “Ha. Ha. No. I’m not kidding. I really need help. Please come over.”

He thinks about how lucky Anna is. Her parents try to make her a well-rounded person. They wanted her to become a liberal arts major. She scoffs at their intentions. “It’s not practical,” she has said to Sam.

Sam sighs. He realizes that he is not good in math. But he cannot think of anything else he is good at. Not history, english or art. He does not have exceptional people skills or charisma. Sam wonders what will be able to do with his future.

******

When Sam expressed unhappiness in High School, his mother always responded, “You there to get education, only. No playing. That for later, once you have a family. You go to school, get good grades, go to a good college, have a good family. Then you can take vacation, like we did to Disney World. That was fun.”

“Those Americans,” she continued speaking. “Not try hard enough ever. You want to be like that? We know how to try. You ever see unemployed Asian person. Never.”

Once Sam mentioned that he might enjoy studying literature. His parents looked at him with squinted eyes and laughed.

“Who study that?” his mother responded. “Maybe you take one class or two, make it hobby.”
Sam joined Math Club to please his mother. He was supposed to befriend a nice Asian boy. However, as the competitions proved, Sam was an imposter.
Rudy Chung mistakenly chose Sam as his partner.

Into the second round of the first competition, Rudy had completed two of the three modules, while Sam was still reading the first problem. Sam and Rudy failed to finish the competition. Sam was shunned. Rudy refused to partner with him and the other team members could not afford to lose. All of them had their parents to please.

Competitors looked at Sam’s Math Club with fear. The club consisted of 10 Asians. Sam looked as if he would fit right in. He had hoped to find kinship in the fact that they were all similar, but after 20 competitions, he still didn’t have a partner.

******

After a tutoring session with Anna, Sam gets dressed for bed. He makes a quick phone call to say goodnight to Noah. He sits down on his bedspread and begins his nightly prayers.
He begins as his grandmother taught him. One Our Father, Three Hail Mary’s and one Glory Be. Sam consciously notices the words as he recites them.

“Holy Mary Mother of God pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death. Amen.”

Sam was unsure if praying would save him. He remembers his grandmother and repeats another Hail Mary for her.

Sam silently prays that his family will be safe. He prays that his parents are not too disappointed in him. He prays that he will not feel so guilty anymore.

Sam thought that the moment he left home he would become wise and independent. However, Sam realizes he depends on his parents a great deal.

What does God think? Does God agree with Sam or his family?

******

Sam’s mother gave him a sticker book when he was six years old. He owned a massive collection of stickers. He had sparkly stickers, scratch and sniff stickers, puffy stickers, Brady bunch stickers, Care Bear stickers and of course Beatles stickers. The book was divided into categories such as happy, funny or sad stickers.
In the front of the book, on the third page, there was a large square with stars around it. This was the place to set your favorite sticker. There were questions about that sticker, such as where you got it and why you like it.

Sam’s Sunday school teacher gave him a Jesus sticker as a prize for memorizing the Act of Contrition. It was a circle sticker that gave just enough room for Jesus’ head. Around his head was a Crown of Thorns that showed red spots where the thorns broke through Jesus’ scalp. Sam’s favorite sticker was a scratch and sniff sticker. It looked like a grape and smelled like one too.
Sam knew he liked the grape sticker the most, but shouldn’t he like the Jesus sticker better? He thought seriously about this. Where would he put the Jesus sticker? It didn’t really fit in the happy or funny categories. He really could not put Jesus on sad page. After much deliberation, Sam decided that Jesus would go in the premium spot as Favorite Sticker.

******

Sam closes his eyes and tries to fall asleep. He must figure out what he will do next weekend. Should he attend a rally with Noah or go home for Easter with his parents?

Sam is furious that he has to choose. By making a decision, someone will be hurt and Sam will feel guilty.

Sam realizes that both Noah and his parents are tied down to their beliefs. Sam finds himself in the middle. He loves them both. He hates them both. He is angry with God for allowing this to happen.

Sam just closes his eyes and prays. He makes a promise to himself that he will take one incident at a time. Sam doesn’t want to choose right now and realizes he doesn’t have to!

They will have to wait. He will make this decision in his own time and in his own way. Sam thinks about how the American devils may have seeped into him. His parents tried to protect him. Sam supposes that maybe the devil was always in him---when he was born.