The Last Days

It was the last day of the beginning of the first of the last days of the rest of my life. And I was kickin’ back and living it like it was 1972. The doctors had just told me that I only had 17 years left to live. And then they realized that I wasn’t a parakeet and apologized, then told me that I still had ten years left. So I was living it like it was the last day of my life.

I had just bought my dream car (a jaguar convertible) and had already crashed her three times before I decided that today just wasn’t a good day to drive. So I drove to the pet store and bought me a mongoose (I’ve always wanted one) and four gold fish. Don’t ask me why. But then, as I was walking out of the store, I saw her. She had long, blonde hair, four legs, green skin, and blue eyes. She was beautiful. I got up the courage to talk to her, and as I said “hello,” she immediately ate my fish. That’s when I knew she wasn’t from around here. She had to be an alien! Maybe she was from France, I thought. I mean, you just don’t eat people’s fish. Finally I got up the guts to say, “Hey, you just ate my fish.” She just looked at me like I was from another planet. Great, I thought. She eats my fish AND she thinks I’m crazy.

I slowly took a few steps back, seeing as she was putting salt and pepper on my mongoose. Great, I thought again. Now I have to go buy another mongoose, too! As I walked back into the store, I thought to myself, “Do I REALLY want another mongoose?” Five minutes later, I thought of an answer; this thinking idea is definitely overrated. I’ll just buy a pig and be happy with it instead. I’ve always wanted a pig anyway.

Walking out of the store, I made sure that I walked in the opposite direction. As I hopped into my Jaguar, I immediately realized that I shouldn’t have. I had forgotten to put the top down; I now had a huge hole in my roof. I opened the door and let the pig in. I later named it “the pig formerly known as mongoose.” Then I shortened it for safety purposes, and now its just PIG. I love that little guy. Well, he weighs almost twice as much as me, so I don’t know if I can call him little anymore. Oh well.

As we went to sleep that night, PIG wouldn’t stop taking the covers. I finally went out and slept on the floor next to the couch.

The next day was a big one for me. I had been nominated for the Noble Prize (I kind of told them that I invented glass….) and also for some literature award (I told them I wrote the bible…). They later found out that I didn’t invent glass, so I was forced to tell them the truth (I told them I really invented the remote control…that was a big hit with the lazy guys). That night it rained. Was it an omen? We may never know. But I do know that that night all of my glass disappeared and my remote control did, too. And on top of that, my roof vanished. Omen? Or coincidence? Just like the capital of Ohio, the world may never know. I decided it would be best if I told everyone the truth. Maybe later, I thought. Instead, I took PIG for a walk. Actually, he took me for a walk. But that’s beside the point. Today might be the last day of my life. Then again, I might still have a good 20 years left in me. But I wasn’t feeling too optimistic today so I decided that I would go get my dream job.

That’s right, I joined the amazing staff at Taco Ball. I did this for a few reasons. I had gone there many times in my life, and not once had they gotten my order right. I was determined to get as many correct orders as I could before the found out that I was secretly stealing their hot sauce. I later found out that they were free, but was fired anyway. So what unfulfilled dreams did I have left to fulfill? I had always wanted to go scuba diving in Mexico…but that would have to wait. (I’m not exactly…allowed…to go there anymore.) I’d also wanted to make the world’s largest cupcake…. but that would have to wait, too. (I had a little accident baking a pie once.) So I settled for learning to fly. It’s not as easy as it looks, I might add. I later realized that flying was physically impossible. So I resumed my work with reading antelopes minds. That’s very hard too; I’ll have you know. After I was told that that was impossible too, I was crushed. I decided to take the easy way out. I don’t know why most people think killing themselves is the easiest way out; I just used the door. Well, I think you’ve heard enough about my life. I can only pray that if you ever come across a 4 legged, blue eyed woman, you will throw bird feces at her and scream wildly in memory of me.



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