True Love Does Exist...

9/5-6/93 Partial Journal Entry


Looking back at my last ‘relationship’ with a woman, I realized everyone after that was just for fun. Or encounters. But no love. Or thought of love. Or desire for love. I need no one. I want to need no one.

Until now.

And I’m almost afraid of this one…

Barbara & I met through a mutual acquaintance at the time, and I just wanted to be friends with her. At first.

She’s wonderful. She’s vibrant. She’s adventurous. She’s exciting. She’s unselfish. She’s giving. She’s supportive. She’s understanding. She’s warm. She’s affectionate. She’s passionate. She’s generous. She’s caring. She’s thoughtful. She’s dependable. She’s sparkling. She’s open. She’s even maternal. And she’s pretty – no – she’s beautiful on the inside & out. She’s just the most special woman I could have ever wished for…

Obviously, the ‘friend’ thing went further!

Our romance is simply divine and beautiful. And when she holds me, I feel safe, secure and loved. A blanketed feeling I’ve never ever felt with any other lover before. It even scares me to write it down, because it makes it more real.

Maybe it scares me because it’s all so new so soon (6 weeks so far). Maybe too, it scares me because it’s so good and feels so right. Like never before. Like never again.

Could it be this is really the "right" one for me? Is there such a person that would put-up with me and my psychoses? A woman to whom I shall be able to truly be open with? Tell "things" to? Aren’t all the qualities I named above usually found in loving and lasting relationships? Love, security, mutual respect, common interests – they’re all there.

But she’s so good, and I have nothing much to offer. No nice big family either…

I’ve already fallen in love with this woman. I can barely admit that, though. Maybe I’m afraid of that, too. I’ve never fallen for anyone like this before. But I do believe that I love her. I feel so much for her, from her, with her. Because of her.

I really want to share my life as I know it so far with her. I can seriously imagine us together. I know she’s loyal, and I know I could be capable of loyalty. I would like this to last forever. Think I got a shot at longevity with this wonderful woman? I’m praying so for her to become my life. I hope she stays with me once she does get to know all of mes…

In such a short time, we’ve done so much together. Flying, sailing, star gazing. Openly sharing fears and dreams and feelings. We’ve even begun to take photos of us for more life documentation. I guess already, Barbara is a major part of my life now. Perhaps the most major part of it.

My family & friends are happy – I sent them photos of us. They like her. She’s got the greatest smile! And her family seems to like me too.

She’s back in New York & New Jersey for 2 whole weeks right now (pre-planned trip for someone’s wedding before we met). I miss her severely. That’s another reason why I think this love for her I’m feeling is real. I do miss her and we talk on the phone every single day. For the first time in my life, I’m not reveling in my solitude.

I miss her arms. I miss her softness. I miss her long hair. I miss her voice and her warmth. I really miss her eyes & her smile. I miss her heartbeat. I just miss her day in & day out, and the nights are much too long. I just miss her love.

I guess all of this confirms that I truly am in love, perhaps for the very first time in my life…