God, I Love Her

there you are...
sleeping next to the guy you like...
and he likes you too...
And I'm sleeping right next to her...
But she doesn't like me...

Have you ever noticed how awesome it is to watch a girl sleep?
No, of course you haven't
So, let me tell you
whenever a girl is sleeping...she looks so peaceful...
serene....
perfect...

and then all these emotions start churning up...
and I realize that she'll probably never like me for more than a friend...
and suddenly there's a hole in my gut...
And I can only imaging what peaceful dreams she's having...
because she's happy...

but I can't sleep...
so I just keep watching...
and the pain keeps growing...
God...I've written a poem haven't I....
and it hurts...
it hurts like a sword could never hurt

"oh, that's so sweet!"

sweet...
well that's just wonderful...
...
yep...
wonderful...
damn

Then I just looked over at you...
and it all got 1000 times worse...
because one can't really know pain until one knows happiness.
And that's what I saw.
happiness.

and the night drags on...
and I want to go outside and run about five miles to just lose myself in
emotion...
but if I move, I'll probably wake her up...
and then I glance over on my right....
and I see a friend who's got it worse than me...
and I feel even sorrier for him...

but I still can't stop feeling horrible about myself...
and then I feel guilty, because I have no reason to complain, at least
relatively...
and then I start thinking about suicide... but I easily decide that that's
stupid...
I just sort of wonder, how will people react, if I actually do it?

Never actually considering doing it...
just wondering....
wondering who will care...
who will not care...
who will carry scars of it for the rest of their life...

and that's the real reason I don't do it...because I don't want to cause that
sort of pain to anyone...
because they'll feel even worse than what I'm feeling now....
Hard as that is to believe...

and all my energy is sapped...
so I can't even feel...
It's like I'm dead...
the pain is there...and there's nothing I can do about it.

- "The Thoughts of Me: From 4:00 A.M. to 7:00 A.M - Saturday, October 18th, 2003”