An Interview with Freak Boy

There are all kinds of letters I've been getting. Some are good, others are pissing me off! So, I have decided to create this item for the VERY noble cause of shutting some people up. Some of you out there who have e-mailed me are ok, but others are starting to make me mad. This interview never really happened and only took place in the scary chasm of dark scary bleakness that is my mind.


Question: Hi there Freakboy--

Freak Boy: It's Freak Boy, not Freakboy. Jeesus, it's in my stories at least a million times.

Q: Ok then, and how do you spell that?

FB: Who are you? How did you get into my house. What are you doing in my bathroom?

Q: Uhm.... I'm the interview person, now are you gonna answer some questions or not?

FB: Alright, fine.

Q: Ok, first question. In your stories all the characters seem to hate their mothers. They all end up killing them or the moms are arrested or other equally bad things. Does that reflect on your relationship with your mother at all?

FB: Now that I think of it, I guess it does.

Q: How so?

FB: I dislike my mother. She's 51 and is a... how would you say it? Psycho-bitch. That about sums it up. I don't know what she's gonna do next and I'm constantly worrying about whether or not she's gonna do something crazy like, oh say, stab me with a jagged piece of metal that she yanks off her muffler.

We're constantly fighting and our household looks like something you'd expect to see on the set of Jerry Springer. WHY CAN WE NOT JUST BE RELATIVELY PEACFUL?!! WHY CAN WE NOT GET ALONG FOR THE GOOD OF THE PROLETARIAT?!!

Q: Uh-huh... well... do you think you could maybe stop standing on your toilet and put that plunger down? Then maybe we can finish this interview.

FB: .....

Q: Much better. So, you hate your mother? Why is that?

FB: Why do you wanna know? Will you help me send her to a mental hospital?

Q: No, I just wanted to find out why you hate her so much.

FB: Why should you care?

Q: Why should you be so guarded? It's a simple question. Stop being such a walled up prick and answer my fucking question..

FB: YAAAAAAA!!! GRRRRR!!! GRRRRRRRRR! DIE YOU BOURGEOUIS OPRESSOR OF THE PROLETARIAT!!!

Q: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! YAAAAAAAARGH!!!

(Interviewer #2 enters.)

Q: Hello Freak Boy...... what's wrong with that person on the floor?

FB: Nothing. He is just very sleepy.

Q: Nothing? Why is there blood coming out of his face? I don't think he's sleeping Freak Boy.

FB: He bleeds in his sleep! Lots of people do it, are you going to interview me or am I gonna have to kick your ass out of my bathroom?

Q: Uhh... yeah. Sure, Okay. So, there's lots of talk going around that you were in the San Antonio State Hospital for a while. Is there any truth to that.

FB: Yeah..............

Q: Could you maybe give me some more details than just, "Yeah."?

FB: When I tried to kill my mother for the 4th time, she decided it wasn't safe to live with me anymore so she sent me to SASH. I spent a month there and while I was there I put a kid in a coma, got sent to the quiet room at least 12 times, met Rachel, and made at least 22 escape attempts.

Q: They all failed right? The escape attempts I mean.

FB: Yeah, fortunately I managed to prove to the psychologists that I wasn't insane.

Q: But... you are insane.

FB: True, but as long as the psychologists get payed they don't care.

Q: So... you shouldn't be here even? Uhm... hey, what are you doing?

FB: You... can't be trusted. You might tell...

Q: What? What's wrong with you?

FB: Sorry, but I must silence you.

Q: BLEEAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH!!!!

FB: Send in the next one!!

(Interviewer #3 enters)

Q: Ah, hello Freak Boy, it's nice to finally meet y--OH MY GOD!! WHAT HAPPENED TO THESE PEOPLE?!

FB: *sigh* They were like that when I got here. So, you have questions for me?

Q: Oh, yeah. Okay, after reading your work I decided it would be interesting to get your opinion on some of the worlds problems of today. Your work seems to almost always have a message to it, you seem much older than you really are.

FB: Go on...

Q: I mean, seriously, for someone who can't legally drive yet, you get your point across very well. And it's so good to see that not all of America has been brainwashed by this Fascist propaganda that the Bush Administration puts out.

FB: I love you...

Q: Ok! Please stop hugging me.

FB: Oh, sorry.

Q: That's better. So, what are your views on the war on terror?

FB: I find it idiotic to have a war on a word.

Q: How so Freak Boy?

FB: Wars are fought against people. They are fought for ideological reasons or, in this case, religious reasons. The war on terror is just a guise for W's "crusade." In his eyes the war in Iraq is to protect the Christians from the threat of a Muslim invasion.

Whenever a war is fought on a word, like the war on drugs and the war on crime, it always fails or is eventually forgotten.

We do need a war though. Not a war on terror, not a war on drugs, but if anything a war to bring the proletariat to the top. It is high time that the 4th Internationale Socialist Movement took up arms and waged it's revolution like Leon Trotsky intended.

Q: ............okaaaay...Mm... so what do you think of the idea that violence on television and other media have a negative effect on kids and other impressionable minds?

FB: That's a bunch of bullshit. I have enough faith left in mankind to assume that we're not so idiotic that we'll let some computer generated image turn us into killers.

Q: Very blunt answer. So, who are the people you admire most.

FB: Thats an easy one. Leon Trotsky makes the number one, followed by Vladimir Lenin, Che Guevara, Nelson Mandela, Huey P. Newton, Malcolm X, Karl Marx, Friedrich Engels, The Marx Brothers, Jhonen Vasquez, Tim Burton, Roman Dirge, and last, but certainly not least, Edgar Allen Poe.

Q: Very cool. I think Jhonen Vasquez sucks though. What was he thinking when he made Happy Noodle Boy, and Wobbly Headed Bob?! And Invader Zim was a complete waste of his... uhm, Freak Boy? Wha-wha-what are you doing?--

FB: DO NOT INSULT THE KING OF DARK HUMOR!

Q: OH GOOD GOD!!

FB: STOP CRYING TO FALSE GODS!! THERE IS NO GOD!!

(Doorbell rings.)

FB: Hello?

Q: Hi, I'm... uh... why are you covered in blood?

FB: I was eating some meat. I'm with PETA. People for Eating Tasty Animals.

Q: But that's gross if it's bleeding... don't you cook it?

FB: I like my meat rare.... really rare. So, who are you?

Q: Oh, yes. I'm the probation officer from S.A.S.H. and I'm here on a routine inspection to make sure you're still sane and haven't had a relapse or anything like that.

FB: Ok... come in.

Q: So, how are you sleeping these days? I read on your profile that you had severe insomnia along with....... several other disturbing things.

FB: Still don't sleep. In fact, I haven't slept in a week. The only rest I've been getting is through an occasional closing of my eyes while listening to the choir of the Soviet Union.

Q: Former Soviet Union.

FB: Fine, if you want to be technical about it.

Q: Ok, you sure you don't want to take some medication for your insomni-AAAAAAAAAAAH!!

FB: Ooops, my bad. *evil smile*

Q: BLAAAAAAAAAAGHHH!!!

FB: I'm really getting sick of this. Man... how am I gonna get the plunger out of his head? It won't come out now... his leg's in the way.

Somedude: Freak Boy! Are you alright? I heard a scream and... yEeeeEEEeeeEeeeEeEEEEeeeEEEeEEee... what happened to him?

FB: Oh, hey Somedude. Same thing that always happens when those interview people don't leave me alone.

SD: I think you're gonna need a new plunger...

FB: I'm gonna have to re-tile the bathroom too. Oh great. Another interviewer is coming... see ya later Somedude.

SD: K. Later.

(interviewer enters.)

FB: Skip the introductions. Let's get this over with quickly.

Q: Whoah, I didn't expect you to be a Mexican. I always thought you'd be one of those skinny pale kids who gets fake vampire fangs and has greezy hair and pimples all over his pale face so he wears makeup and stuff.

FB: First off, I hate people like that. They are drains on the proletariat and mooch off their rich parents while simultaneously claiming to have it hard. Secondly, I'm not a Mexican. I have so much mixed blood I don't know what the fuck I am. I could have a world war with myself, so just call me Hispanic if you're gonna call me anything.

Q: Okey dokey. So, you're insane... what's that like?

FB: Hmm... so you're an idiot. What's that like?

Q: You're not supposed to do that.

FB: Do what?

Q: Answer my question with another question.

FB: And you're not supposed to show up to an interview without a shirt.

Q: Never mind... next question. So, how did you try to kill your mother?

FB: First I tried to strangle her. Then I attacked her with a knife. After that I tried ramming her head through the sliding glass door. Then finally I tried to strangle her again. That's when I got sent to SASH.

Q: Ok. So, what's your favorite food?

FB: Bacon. Duh!

Q: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?

FB: Neither. I am a loyal member of the 4th International Socialist Movement and am an avid believer in the writings and ideals of Leon Davidovich Trotsky.

Q: Leon who?

FB: Leon Trotsky, the REAL man behind the Bolshevik Revolution. He led it alongside Vladimir Lenin and was the founder of the Red Army. He was supposed to be the one to head the USSR after Lenin's death, but Stalin held enough power to veto Lenin's decision after fighting with Trotsky tooth and nail in the courts.

Q: I just asked a simple question, no need to go on and on. Ok. Have you ever gotten drunk? Like... really drunk?

FB: I'm wearing a belt with 6 beers on it. 5 of them are empty and there's empty beer, whiskey, vodka, rum, and wine bottles all over my room. What do you think smart guy?

Q: You talk too much.

FB: Excuse me?

Q: You talk too much. You asked me what I think so I'm being honest. Your stuff has too much talking not enough action. It's boring with all them big words and stuff. That shit aint cool. Ya know. Do something funny like in your earlier work.

FB: Ok... that tears it.

Q: What the?

FB: GRRRRRRAAAAAAAAARR!!! DIIIIEE!!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Q: AAIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!! BLOOOOOOOGH!!! GAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!!!

FB: Thank you, freaks, and goodnight.

(This presentation has been brought to you in Psycho Vision. It was also brought to you in DOUBLE VISION if you're drunk.)